AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with it.

I think you are just setting your priorities the same way everyone else does. Some people say they want someone tall, or blond, or Hindu, or muscular, or with (or without) certain mannerisms.

I think you’d probably be happier though if you use your criteria as the priorities to restrict the dating pool and then find someone you really click with. it would be nice to have that spark, no? Otherwise you would both need to go into it with your eyes open and being prepared to work very hard on the relationship. That approach has worked well in many cultures (including Britain) for hundreds of years though.

Whatever you do, be honest with your partner though.

surely, it's purely because she has self esteem that her reasoning is valid, for her

It is possible to aim for a man with wealth and status AND WHO IS A DECENT HUMAN BEING!

Aim higher for yourself @QuaintFinch

No need to pre compromise by deciding only the wealth and status matters. Cut yourself a break, you've obviously done fantastically well for yourself.

This is sad to read, honestly. You need to be single and build your own self esteem.

I also had a tough childhood. Parents died when I was very young and grew up with an aunt. It does shape you as a person. I understand where OP is coming from. I knew I had no support system and could only depend on myself so I was not going to marry a man that was in any way unstable. He didn’t have the be rich but did have to have a good work ethic like me. I needed security as well as love. Love doesn’t pay the bills. My DH is my best friend but he knows how important it is to me to have a home that nobody can take away.

Yes I really agree with this. Money is just one aspect of success.

Commitment, love, joy and sheer graft are other important considerations.

Agree children thrive with stable happy parents.

Treating money as a key attribute, or a non-negotiable minimum hurdle that all prospective partners need to clear, is eminently sensible if that's something that's important to you.

Literally "...not caring much about how they are as a person or how attracted to them I find myself..." would obviously be insanity - all being well you could easily be with this person for 50 years, if it's someone who you can't stand then even 5 would be an impossibility.

So how is OP going to get into a position to be able to pick and choose between wealthy men?

I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well

Relationships breakdown for thousands of reasons. See where your superior attitude and marriage for status gets you, eh?

The absolute best way to secure a future for potential kids is finding a man who you get on with, is your best friend, you trust, isn’t abusive, you fancy and will work hard as a Dad and husband. Children thrive in secure 2 parent households where there is love. Excluding poverty etc I don’t think much else matters

No offence but the sort of high-earning, high-status man you're after probably wouldn't be looking to marry someone from your background. Those sorts of men also marry for status of a different kind.

I can't vote tbh... I see your point. But, while I don't think you're being unreasonable, I don't think you're considering how a lifetime would look or feel with someone you aren't attracted to, have little in common with, or that potentially you dislike. What if he's an abuser? What if his values in terms of raising children don't align? How does money compare against living in a life without love and passion? I do think you need to seek some help (and I say that with care) to heal old wounds and see what's important. It's worth it, for your future children.

This

I think it's a really good idea to have a list of things you really want a partner to have. I'd want someone who :

I found attractive
Had a cheerful disposition
Was intelligent and a good communicator
Had a good work ethic
Was able to give himself the sort of lifestyle he wanted
Wanted the same sort of lifestyle that I wanted
Kind - never underestimate that
Generous - didn't always put himself first
Had a loving family who I could have a nice relationship with

I'm not sure I'd want a relationship with someone who didn't have those qualities. I know I would want to get out of the relationship sooner or later, otherwise.

I think it’s pretty unfair on them. They deserve to have someone who loves them for who they are, not what they have.

YANBU at all

Choose your life partner with your head as well as your heart.

But obviously an amenable personality, and strong values, are imperative. You can’t learn those and I don’t think you can live well without them. Of course the values include work ethic and ambition as much as loyalty and respect. GSOH also a plus. 😁

Agree with this.

Do what you want to do OP, and learn not to share your business and preferences with others.

I read recenlt that it's better to cry in a Ferrari than a Mini and it makes perfect sense

It’s entirely reasonable for money to be a consideration. It’s likely to lead to much unhappiness if it’s the only thing you look for.

I entered marriage with a very practical, unromantic view of it. The marriage was fine but eventually for me it wasn’t sustainable to be with someone I wasn’t actually attracted to.

That said, I think age matters in this. I married young, in retrospect before I’d really finished maturing and certainly before I knew what I wanted sexually or romantically. I often wondered if I’d had some big love affair first in my 20s, got that out of my system, then gone for the sensible option in my 30s if it might have felt different and actually worked really well.

I wouldn’t worry about an elite family though. Apart from anything else, it sounds like you are not from such a family yourself, and there would likely be expectations for him of what background a suitable partner would have. Find someone who has a decent education, a decent job, and who shares your values. Be upfront about wanting a family and how you’d want that to look. There definitely are men out there who want something similar.

Last thoughts: it’ll massively help you in your quest if you live in a major city where ambitious people would go to build their careers. I know that sounds obvious but I have been shocked by the difference in the dating pool in different places. And if you’re not bothered about a partner for yourself have you considered having kids solo?

If you find someone who meets your ideals , what if he falls in love with you but you just find him easy to get on with , not attractive ? He will eventually suss you out , and realise you're shallow .

As for elite families, they will have their fair share of fathers who 'drink too much' and mothers who are 'awful' .

I hope you change your mind over time .

Although it may sound fine theoretically, when you are in the trenches with a young child you will want a husband who is emotionally supportive, practical, and “hands on”. His high status/wealth will be poor compensation for someone who is nasty/lazy/arrogant when you are sleep deprived and dealing with a screaming baby. I think you can set your standards even higher - you want someone who is financially secure AND kind/dependable/loving.

Are you unreasonable for wanting someone in a similar financial / social situation to you? No, not at all.
Are you unreasonable for making it the only criteria? Yes YABU. You should choose someone that you like and work well with and are sexually attracted to, at a minimum, for the sake of your future children growing up in a stable emotional environment if nothing else.
Are you unreasonable for looking for someone from an “elite family”?! Yes YABVVVVU. What is an elite family anyway?

It's fairly usual for people to meet and marry in their own social circles. Nothing wrong with that expectation and people have been marrying for the reasons you've outlined for a long time.

But there appear to be a lot of demons to unpick from your past if you're also going to have something to offer the marriage. @something2say's comment upthread bears repeating: 'I would strongly advise you NOT to make lifetime decisions when you are still in the 'stop coping / start feeling' stage of healing. It is not fair to either party and you will only have Ito unpick the decision, at cost to yourself and others, and start over, but you will have wasted precious time'.

This is good advice. What you also need to remember is that tomorrow doesn't belong to us. Just as suddenly as attraction and love can be lost overnight, so can wealth and status. If you're reliant upon working for a living, as most of us are, all this would take is one diagnosis of a serious illness. If you ended up in that situation, what would be left?

In terms of my own experience, in the past three years I'm facing the axe hovering over my much-loved and valued career - I'm an academic and the whole UKHE system is at present in freefall - and my DH has faced a cancer diagnosis, the single worst thing that has happened to us as a couple. Depending upon the outcome of that diagnosis our whole outlook and prospects could have been changed overnight. When we are in our twenties and thirties we don't necessarily consider these possibilities as an immediate threat to the safety of our world. But sometimes, they are. No one knows what's around the corner. My money, job and status do matter to me, and I've lately been considering the person I would be without them. I now know that these are not the most important facets of my life, and would rather live on the poverty line in perpetuity than face the loss of my husband.

Nothing is guaranteed.

This, apart from the fact that having sex with someone you aren't attracted to would be like rape

Well I'd aim for both as he could lose the money and you'd still presumably want your child to have an idea of what a loving relationship looks like. Plus have you ever met any of these men? They're usually awful and messed up from being sent to boarding school at 7. Not to mention that they wouldn't want to marry into your family.