AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

i can totally see why you would want more security for your children than you experienced yourself. And you should be so so proud of your career success. BUT - it sounds your childhood was lacking in love as much as money, and I wonder if that didn’t damage you even more than the poverty? I wonder if perhaps seeking a purely transactional relationship is your way of subconsciously protecting yourself from further hurt. I could be talking bollocks but might be worth exploring with a counsellor?

I think if you were you settle on a loveless marriage purely for financial reasons it would be terribly sad, for you and for your children.

Please wait to find a man who shares your lifestyle goals but who you also love.

There are attractive, kind, funny wealthy men same as attractive, kind, funny poor men. Ditto there are arseholes who are both rich and poor.

Go for a wealthy man for sure, but pick a decent one

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to make it a priority.

im now realising that far more people do this than would ever admit to it. And fair play to them, I suppose.

I wouldn’t bother about an “elite” family though. Just financially comfortable and a nice, caring family would be plenty.

Be aware that you can go too far the other way and have a family of millionaires who are utterly vile.

Nice guy, nice family, financially stable.

Why don’t you get to a point where you’re self-sufficient and don’t need a man for financial support? You seem like you’re already doing well for yourself. And you can have the luxury of choosing whoever you want or going it alone. It’s so liberating knowing you don’t need anyone and instead you choose them.

unless it’s their work ethic and attitude that entices you? Common traits?

Make your own money, marry someone funny.

My sister married for money. She still isn't happy. There is no 'soul' in their relationship. It was purely transactional on her part and he has come to realise that and it has made him deeply unhappy. He does get immense joy from their two kids though.

Ironically the hippy that she was so happy with prior, who she dumped for the rich guy, is now richer than both of them put together as her dumping him for being poor acted like a rocket up his butt.

This is actually a good point. Unless you are stunningly good looking, you are unlikely to attract an old money type. You might manage to get a fellow 'rags to riches' success story, but a true trust fund kid would be warned to beware of potential golddggers.

Where’s that laughing emoji gone?

I don't judge you, but I do advise you against this. I'm 20 years in with DH and it helps enormously that he's my best mate and I find him incredibly hot!

@RosesAndHellebores I’m with you - I think brains and work ethic plus attraction are very high up the list and resilience!! Far more likely to lead to better longer term prospects

Well that has been the way of the World for most of its history.

Even those who marry for love aren't always in love the whole time. 60 odd years is a long time to put up with anyone.

Respect, tolerance and shared interests/outlook are the most important. What you want at 20 (good looks, sex, fun) aren't the same as at 40 (hair, kids and a mortgage on a nice house) or 60 (teeth and an annual cruise).
Focus on someone kind, who shares your sense of humour and is willing to graft and you would be surprised how far you can go... if they are wealthy then that's a bonus.

Honestly, I was a bit like this - not as rigidly adamant it was all that mattered (I knew I wanted someone funny, kind, interested in similar things to me, who i loved and loved me). However, prospects and aspirations in life really mattered to me. I wanted a partner who wanted a similar type of life to me (thoroughly middle class tbh). I've been married nearly 10 yrs, have 2 great children, a lovely home, the children will get a choice of private or state school, my son is sen and we could afford private diagnosis and help for this. Mine and my husbands wealth, drive and assets have made a massive difference to the life we lead.
I would say number 1! He is lovely, kind and funny and we love each other. So you do need to find someone you care about, love and enjoy time with, and who isn't horrid to you (rich men can be abusers, alcoholics, drug users etc too). Having said that, it's totally reasonable to only date and get to know men you feel fit the attributes of a future husband when you're looking for that type of person.

But isn’t that just normal?

I met my DH when we were young and in uni so neither of us had much of anything but both doing very well now 20 odd years later.

But if I found myself single now, obviously I would probably only meet, be attracted to, date and possibly marry a man of a similar standing to myself. He would likely be a successful professional with a good income and strong financial assets, like me. Least of all because those are the social circles I am in.

I’m reminded of a post yesterday (since deleted) by an incel who said he’d happily date literally any woman with a pulse, no matter how crazy or abusive, so long as she wasn’t overweight (which was his only criterion for exclusion).

My spidey senses are going off a bit with this thread.

Of course it’s a bad idea to deliberately disregard personality when choosing a partner, come the fuck on.

Melanie Trump probably thought this when she married Donald. Her face shows how happy her marriage makes her.

Oh god why do people respond to these types of post ?????

A good stiff drink, anyone?
Or some popcorn?

Wind 'em up and watch them go.

@QuaintFinch I've given this a lot of thought OP and I've voted YABU. You could marry someone wealthy who you get on with reasonably well and have DC with them, but what if they lost all their wealth? (It happens.) What would be left for you? There are simply no guarantees and you can't predict the future.
I could have married a wealthy man when I was 20 - he adored me - but I knew there would always be an imbalance of affection in our relationship and I didn't think that would be fair on him. Instead, I married a man I adored (and still do, 44 years later) whose financial prospects were only slightly better than my own, but we have worked and grown together to have a very comfortable life, with us both retiring early (even though we had some knock-backs along the way).
You have to remember the marriage vows "for better or for worse" - if there's no fundamental love and care to be there to support each other whatever the circumstances, then you have nothing. As I said, there are no guarantees and whatever you think you're signing up for today, may not be what you get tomorrow. Then what?
On the upside, at least you're thinking about actually marrying someone before having children with them - that makes a refreshing change on MN! 😃
PS: Each to their own, but Clown Johnson has never been physically attractive at any age.

You're being very naive if you think money and status equals a good parent. You would be better off getting to know their values, temperament and ability to reflect on their own upbringing.

Having been married before
My criteria on bumble
Well paid job if its not in the pic left swipe
Own their own home
Nice car
Hobbies
Basically on par with me.
Ive also found one as well hes lovely i really like him. Works in a reallt good job owns his own home he has no kids. And a brand new car via the company. He also flies on the weekends for cadets.

OP, marriage is tough. Marriage with children is even tougher.

You have first hand experience of growing up in a loveless household, as do I. Why would you inflict that on your own children?

You are successful, and there is no reason why that cannot continue, childcare is available, parental leave is universal. You don't need a man as a meal ticket. Why not go it alone? Find a nice man by all means, one you think it could work with, but DO NOT marry him.

Have your children, see how it goes, but maintain your career and your ability to walk away. If the relationship lasts then great, but if your prince turns into a toad, you can leave without a problem.

I have been a single mum since ds was 2. Civilised lovely ex morphed into an abusive creep before we were even home from the maternity unit. I gave it two years, tried to get him to behave normally but it didn't work, so ds and I walked away. It was MUCH easier without a marriage certificate and a shared mortgage.

I left, bought a house for me and ds and we have been happy and stress free here for the last 14 years. Ex raged and simmered for a while but there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

A marriage is primarily a legal contract that it is hard to get out of. Please think twice.

When considering whom you might want to father any future children, you REALLY need to be considering their personality before money and status.

Marry for money and you earn every single penny!

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking out a man/or only being attracted to men with the same level of ambition as you. I wouldn't date someone long term unemployed with no good reason.

However, a relationship without kindness, respect, trust, support, attraction, love and honesty just wouldn't be for me.

It's also grossly unfair to use a person like that. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Is this a cultural thing? Would you have any objections to your partner doing his own thing. Rather like the lady of the manor of old? You'd have to be quite special for most western men to be picked for their background and income.

Actually, you'd have to be spectacularly special thinking of some of the possibilities. Will it be that straightforward?

It seems unlikely. Not sure how much pretence the op is willing to put forward either.

With this attitude, its likely you'll fuck up your own kids childhood in a different way.

I agree, don't find some half wit benefit scrounger just because he's funny - but likewise don't pick some dickhead just because he's rich.

Honestly OP I've got an image of you hanging around at polo matches grinning and waving at toffs.

BTW, sorry to say - the real "elite" families wouldn't be caught dead letting their son marrying someone without blue blood.