AIBU to marry primarily based on money and status?

I’m sorry about your childhood but this way of thinking is really wrong. How about actually marrying someone you love and giving your children the childhood you would have dreamed off? Yes you think that’s money and status but children don’t actually care about that, they want stability, a loving mum and dad who show they care and love eachother and a good family life. You marrying someone you don’t actually care about just for money will leave not only your future children but you, miserable. It’s a terrible idea and a terrible basis for a marriage. This is what you think you want, but I can guarantee if you were to find someone who treated you well and who was brought up well in a good family, you might realise your priorities change.

Well only you can answer that question if you succeed and have a few decades under your belt.

But I hate to break it to you. The elites keep themselves to themselves and they really are another world. I grew up in one of the richest postcodes of the country. I know wealth. But the elites. No they are another level. They can sniff you out. It’s not about money. They practically speak another language.

This nails it. Therapy seems like a good call to come to terms with your childhood before you have children yourself - for one, it'll help not repeat the generational cycles you're in, because you might want not to repeat them theoretically, they'll be well ingrained in you and hard to shake (like for everyone else btw, this is not a dig at you).
Also, alcoholism, violence, bad parenting etc. doesn't discriminate and happens in well-off, educated families too! Money doesn't guarantee you shit.

Ideally you’d look for someone kind, from a stable & happy family background because then at least they’ll have hopefully had healthy relationships modelled to them. Then go for someone at least as financially stable/comfortable as you. But I don’t think YABU. Financial security is important.

I understand what you are saying OP. I think unless you have experienced such unreliability in your childhood, you can’t fully understand how important that then becomes when you are striving to do things differently.

After having a Dad who committed suicide and prior to that used to take off on holidays spending family money we didn’t have and needed to pay bills to cope with his untreated depression, I absolutely knew I wasn’t going to marry someone unless they were very stable in terms of their career, reliability with money and mental health. I wanted different for my children, which I absolutely now have with my DH of 15 years.

I think wanting a really rich husband is less essential than one who is reliable in terms of reliably working, not getting into debt and generally sticking around for you and your children. I know many men at my children’s school who don’t earn much but are incredibly reliable for their wives and children, hugely committed and loyal. I think this doesn’t always necessarily link with being a really high earner if that makes sense.

Best of luck to you with your future, you’ve come so far already…keep going 😊

@QuaintFinch Your family background isn't exactly a match for a potential wealthy husband either. People in these circles tend to marry equal to their status. You might have money but probably not equal to theirs & your family background is definitely not the same.

Therefore you probably wouldn't be considered a catch as they probably want to marry up to someone who would give them further connections. What connections can you bring to someone from an elite background?

but to be honest don't find myself caring much about how they are as a person

If you want kids you need to very much think about what they are like as a person, as chances are that is what they will be like as a parent.

If you want your kids to have a shitty upbringing like you then by all means follow the money, and overlook all the other things which make people good on the inside.

Plenty of people marry for money/security then become trapped in an abusive/loveless marriage because they are too scared of losing those well kept appearances, you won't be the first and you won't be the last.

This! Absolutely hilarious that someone with wealth and status wouldn’t want to match with someone from a similar background.

I came from a family with (some) money. I’d say that those who really marry for money earn every single penny, but it’s perfectly reasonable to want someone who is competent at life and not a waster. I wouldn’t touch Bozza with someone else’s ten foot pole, and the money is irrelevant either way to that, but I have quite expensive tastes given the choice (space to live in; nice food; holidays) so I’ve always chosen people with jobs, at least.

I’d have that therapy, if only to frame what you want in a less negative way. You want someone who enhances your life, not someone who makes it more difficult. Nothing wrong with that.

A friend of mine married very well (money status etc) he was awful to her, very abusive, doesn't give a hoot about the two children, luckily she got away.
Don't marry for money, marry someone who values you and will be a partner in things as well as finances (you don't want a cocklodger either). It sounds like you've done ok for yourself financially.

I don’t think you value the right things. Not your fault; you haven’t been taught.

I think this because of your idea about marrying for money (and not really being bothered about looks or personality) but also this sentence is very telling; ‘I've got a lot of flak from family members but these are all people who split from their partners when DC were very young so it doesn't seem like any of them picked well.’

I think what you should look for is more like working ethics and prospects. You want someone on the same page, and money is very important.

I could not be with someone who gambles, who is irresponsible, changes jobs often, is not ambitious and does not have a career. I just can't, we would not have enough in common. What that "career" looks like is quite variable though.

Whether they come from money or not is actually not a great metric. My exH had parents with a ton of money - none of it was in his name!!! Also, it made him a lazy git and I thank my lucky stars I didn't have a baby with him.

“He’s kind and physically attractive… like a younger Boris Johnson”

good lord

Shallow golddigger

I married well on paper. In laws are well off. I however had no idea they had so much as they are very frugal and only spend when it is very necessary. I wouldn't have married DH if he wasn't a decent person. He also has drive and ambition (finished his training faster than anyone else we know) Together we also earn very well.

Remember you have to parent with this person and the early years tests everyone's patience with each other. So if they are horrible it's unpleasant. Also having money doesn't mean they will be generous with it!

The family money is a cushion and it helps to know it's there psychologically.

I don't see mum at all now, see my dad yearly and don't think I ever saw a healthy relationship growing up with any of my extended family.

Kindly, OP get some counselling.
Not knowing what a healthy relationship is as a child is not helping you create one now.

I had a very similar background and unintentionally (maybe subconsciously?!) did the same thing. My ex husband’s family never accepted me, loudly looked down on me and never stopped expressing their disdain for me even I equalled (when we married) and then surpassed ex-h’s career and salary. I was never good enough for him or them. My self-esteem is still recovering from the experience.

When our children were small, he walked out and we haven’t seen him since. That was 10 years ago.

Your background hasn’t made you a bad person, and being a wealthy person with status doesn’t make someone a good person either.

In my younger days such men were called a 'good catch'.

And if you didn't love them and they didn't 'bother you too much' (I assume you know what that means) all was fine and dandy.

Or was it?

You do sound as if you belong in a Jane Austen novel where women have to find a rich man, or they are destined to a life as an old maid or maybe a governess.

You surely realise that any man with an ounce of emotional intelligence would not want a money/ status grabbing wife who didn't love him?

This is not only about what YOU want!

I work with children in a safeguarding role so I can assure you that a man with money and status does not guarantee your children a stable, happy childhood.

Rich men can still be alcoholics and drug users

Rich men can still leave

Rich men can still be unfaithful

Rich men can still be violent or controlling

Rich men can still be cold, distant or uninterested in their children

Rich children can still be profoundly impacted by living with two parents who don't love or like each other.

I'm not saying throw caution to the wind and start a family with someone who is flat broke, unemployed or useless with money. But finding a good and kind man, who you can fall in love with and has a strong work ethic and is financially responsible will probably be better for your children than choosing someone based on wealth alone.

Only a fool would marry someone based only on physical attraction. That will fade quickly. What you should be looking for is someone you see eye-to-eye with i.e. has very similar values to you. That will encompass being career driven and wanting the best for a future family.

It sounds like you’re looking for someone who has similar financial prospects to you, but from a more stable family background, not for a sugar daddy. There’s nothing wrong with that.

That was one of my criteria for a serious relationship too. I ended one long term relationship after he declared that he had no interest in financial success. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was incredibly off putting.

My only advice is to find someone who is also kind. You don’t want to end up with someone who will belittle you if he’s more successful or refuse to share his money with you and your children.

Surely entering into a marriage of potentially only convenience, could literally ensure any future children you have, also experience a crap childhood.

Just because someone has a good family background and money does not mean they won’t abuse your kids or you and it definitely doesn’t mean they mate going to be nice or easy to get on with.

Why don’t you increase your chances of finding someone you could actually fall in love with and try a good dating app where you can specify things like professional, wants long term relationship, wants children etc.

If you’ve not had counselling already, I really think it might be a benefit. To help you see how your own upbringing could affect your future. Just be you, go on romantic dates and find someone who you’ll love and want as much as they do you.

Bloody Hell Op, a young Boris Johnson, that's not a pretty picture. Seriously, Boris now has 9 DC so having money clearly doesn't guarantee fidelity or happiness.

Wealthy successful men tend to go for wealthy successful women and/or very attractive women. Who can blame them?

Similar but far worse than your upbringing.

If you're happy to be touched, have someone intimately and bear their children whilst you don't particularly like them...
Then you need help.

It's not exactly a role you can keep up.

Whatever. Do it. I don't know why I bother with this bullshit.