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Original poster

Unreasonable response from DH

155 replies

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 12:11

My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good and there is no sneaky behaviour. DH is open with his phone/laptop and goes to and from work and doesn’t do a lot else.

So we were in Sainsbury’s and my husband had gone off to grab something whilst I was at the till. As he was walking back, the lady on the next till started to wave at him and I looked at her and then looked back to him and he was gone.

I carried on packing and watched as she began leaving the store, but just before leaving, she stopped and turned to look as if expecting someone to come over to her. Then she turned and left.

A minute later DH arrived back at the till. I finished up and as we were leaving said ‘I think the lady on the next till knew you?’. He replied ‘yes’. I gave it a moment and then prompted ‘work?’ And he said ‘yes’.

I thought he was a bit off - and different to what I’m used to, so I said “hun, I’m feeling like perhaps you didn’t want to come back to the till with that person there. Was there something wrong?”

He exploded, which is very unusual for my husband. He said I was being jealous, does he have to give me her life story…he doesn’t know her, doesn’t speak to her in work and all he knows is she married to the bosses nephew. What’s he supposed to do, come and make awkward conversation with a colleague on his day off? He doesn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to be shopping.”

This response felt out of the blue and was very upsetting as I felt it was unwarranted. He proceeded to not join us for a family barbecue at my parents and ignored me all evening.

He did later apologise and said he shouldn’t have responded so evasively, but he was annoyed and irritated.

I am beyond confused and hurt. It’s very out of character. He was under a lot of stress for context, as we also had a plumbing disaster that morning, with a big fix required. If he said he hadn’t wanted to come shopping, I’d have left him home.

Thoughts would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 16/06/2025 13:50

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:48

How awful. When did he have time to conduct the affair? My husband has a proper 9-5 and is home promptly daily. He could not ‘escape’ for a few hours during the working day either, he has to be at his desk. He also works primarily alone or with a very small team who I know as we’ve been out together. This woman is in a completely different department that I can see, and their paths would not cross very often. I am in the same industry so I understand how it works.
He doesn’t go to the gym or leave the house for anything - not even to go to a shop 😂 He does hate shopping - but then so do I, which is why we both go.

Doesn’t have to be a full blown affair. Perhaps he has quite a crush on her and enjoys a little flirt in the office. Because of this he obviously didn’t want you both to meet and flew into a panic seeing you so close.

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:48

How awful. When did he have time to conduct the affair? My husband has a proper 9-5 and is home promptly daily. He could not ‘escape’ for a few hours during the working day either, he has to be at his desk. He also works primarily alone or with a very small team who I know as we’ve been out together. This woman is in a completely different department that I can see, and their paths would not cross very often. I am in the same industry so I understand how it works.
He doesn’t go to the gym or leave the house for anything - not even to go to a shop 😂 He does hate shopping - but then so do I, which is why we both go.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 16/06/2025 13:47

MyKingdomForACat · 16/06/2025 13:42

Fuck bumping into someone from work on your day off and having to make boring small talk that’s only usually reserved for the office. I’d be fuming too.

Would you yell at your spouse simply for asking if you knew the person who was frantically waving at you, who you obviously ran away from though. Cause yikes.

ginasevern · 16/06/2025 13:47

MyKingdomForACat · 16/06/2025 13:42

Fuck bumping into someone from work on your day off and having to make boring small talk that’s only usually reserved for the office. I’d be fuming too.

So you'd leave your partner standing at the till (doing the family shopping), run out of the store without a word to anyone and then be fucking nasty to your partner for the rest of the day when they quite reasonably asked you what was wrong? If that's how you behave with your nearest and dearest, I doubt that any of your colleagues want to bump into you either.

mondaytosunday · 16/06/2025 13:46

Speak for yourself @AudiobookListener! Aside from the plumbing issue, shopping is not something most men hate, and my DH loved his in laws. Meeting someone from work? Meh he wouldn’t mind at all.
OP him hiding was childish - she obviously felt they were on friendly enough terms to hail him from a distance (rather than an awkward nod of acknowledgment at the till), and looked to see if he was there when she was leaving. His reaction was extreme - does seem as if he ‘doth protest too much’. If she was just an annoying colleague who is over familiar then he could have easily said ‘oh that was Jane she’s a bit overbearing so pretended I didn’t see her’.

MyKingdomForACat · 16/06/2025 13:42

Fuck bumping into someone from work on your day off and having to make boring small talk that’s only usually reserved for the office. I’d be fuming too.

MissDoubleU · 16/06/2025 13:42

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:39

I am now. I wan’t at the time. His reaction to me was so bizarre.

He blames it on stress.
Not wanting to be interrogated.
Not feeling like he has to give me the background information of people he doesn’t even know well himself.
He was already p’d off.
He doesn’t like seeing people from work.
etc

Show quote history

again, those are a lot of excuses for running away from a man who apparently waved to his colleague and remembered he needed something else. He can’t have both ran away because he’s stressed and doesn’t want to be “interrogated” and also not have run away at all.

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:39

MissDoubleU · 16/06/2025 13:34

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Did you see him wave? No, you saw him catch her eye and quickly turn heel and run away.

His reaction says everything. He wasn’t anxious, he was panicking. I would be highly suspicious.

Show quote history

I am now. I wan’t at the time. His reaction to me was so bizarre.

He blames it on stress.
Not wanting to be interrogated.
Not feeling like he has to give me the background information of people he doesn’t even know well himself.
He was already p’d off.
He doesn’t like seeing people from work.
etc

OP posts:
ginasevern · 16/06/2025 13:38

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:32

No, never experienced anything like this.

Show quote history

I experienced a number of similar "out of the blue" and uncharacteristic episodes with my DH (married 26 years). For example, suddenly leaving stores and even a restaurant once! He was became highly explosive and nasty when questioned. The truth eventually unfolded and yes, it was another woman. We were "happily" married and rarely apart so the whole thing utterly blindsided me. Just for reference, he had another phone I didn't know about.

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:36

MounjaroMounjaro · 16/06/2025 13:33

Well, if he says you can check his messages etc, I'd be checking them!

The thing is I use his phone frequently. I see messages come through from colleagues all the time. Not that I read them. I also make calls from his phone, use his internet, sometimes use his email, check for an email to do with our house that has come through but he has forgotten to show me etc. I’ve never seen anything untoward. He’s not attached to the phone or scared to leave it out. Same with his laptop etc.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 16/06/2025 13:34

SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:19

To clarify, both she and I were shopping. On the tills next to each other. We don’t know one another.
My husband was walking towards the till and obviously caught her eye. I doubt she would have realised he was coming over to me.
But then he diverted and disappeared.

He said he acknowledged her back with a wave and went to check on something else he needed.

Show quote history

Sounds like he’s gaslighting you. Did you see him wave? No, you saw him catch her eye and quickly turn heel and run away.

His reaction says everything. He wasn’t anxious, he was panicking. I would be highly suspicious.

MounjaroMounjaro · 16/06/2025 13:33

Well, if he says you can check his messages etc, I'd be checking them!

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:32

ginasevern · 16/06/2025 13:31

Sorry but that's fucking weird - unless he's generally prone to similar behaviour (and you say he isn't) then something is definitely off. The fact he disappeared when he saw this woman and his explosive reaction to your question mean's he's hiding something.

No, never experienced anything like this.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 16/06/2025 13:31

Sorry but that's fucking weird - unless he's generally prone to similar behaviour (and you say he isn't) then something is definitely off. The fact he disappeared when he saw this woman and his explosive reaction to your question mean's he's hiding something.

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:30

Just to add, I had no suspicions of wrong doing before this reaction. He doesn’t do anything that screams affair or cheating.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:28

MounjaroMounjaro · 16/06/2025 13:23

I don't think there was anything else he needed. He saw her and did a runner, only coming back when she had left.

Why wouldn't he say to you, "Sorry, just saw X at the next till and couldn't be bothered talking to her"?

That was my confusion. I was expecting ‘God, I just saw Hannah I work with. I didn’t want to talk to her, so I just hid for a moment’.

He said nothing. Then when I prompted seemed evasive and then exploded. It was a non-issue…until it wasn’t.

It could have been a rough day. But it was all an over reaction.

Going through my mind was, perhaps he didn’t want her to see me, or maybe he talks to her in work and they are quite familiar - more so than he’d like me to know.

He scoffed at both and simply says he’s not given me any reason to worry. I can check his phone, work emails, whatever. But he doesn’t get that it wasn’t seeing the woman that caused this, it was his reaction. I just don’t get it. Hoping it was just an off day and he was angry and took it out on me.

OP posts:
Mymanyellow · 16/06/2025 13:24

Probably just didn’t want to talk to someone from work. I’ve been known to to dive into a random shop to avoid someone. His reaction was a bit strange though.

TeapotCollection · 16/06/2025 13:24

You’re the one who’s married to him and your senses are obviously telling you something

Getting angry often (though not always) means guilt

MounjaroMounjaro · 16/06/2025 13:23

I don't think there was anything else he needed. He saw her and did a runner, only coming back when she had left.

Why wouldn't he say to you, "Sorry, just saw X at the next till and couldn't be bothered talking to her"?

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 13:19

okydokethen · 16/06/2025 13:17

Although to put your mind at rest if she knew you were there with him, she wouldn’t wave if there was a big secret would she?

To clarify, both she and I were shopping. On the tills next to each other. We don’t know one another.
My husband was walking towards the till and obviously caught her eye. I doubt she would have realised he was coming over to me.
But then he diverted and disappeared.

He said he acknowledged her back with a wave and went to check on something else he needed.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 16/06/2025 13:17

Although to put your mind at rest if she knew you were there with him, she wouldn’t wave if there was a big secret would she?

okydokethen · 16/06/2025 13:15

I’d be going back to that shop with him if it’s a non issue

MageQueen · 16/06/2025 13:09

This seems very odd if it is genuinely completely out of character. the problem is that there could be a million things going on. Just a few ideas off the top of my head.

He's got a lot more going on at work than he's telling you and for watever reason, he can't/won't/doesn't feel comfortable sharing.

He actually regularly ensures you don't question/ask him things and you just don't notice or have adjusted.

He is getting frustrated because he often does things he doesn't want to do just to make you happy/please you/stop you from complaining - eg shopping. And for whatever reason (age, stage, other life stresses) this is now reaching boiling point for him.

This woman has made his life difficult in some way that he has not shared with you and he is defensive.

He has done something wrong and this woman might know about it/cause you to find out.

Original poster
SoppySalad · 16/06/2025 12:29

PosiePetal · 16/06/2025 12:23

'My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good.'

First of all, this does not mean that someone isn't having an affair. It's meaningless in that regard.

No-one can tell you what the situation is from this small interaction in Sainsbury's. Him exploding over it does seem rather OTT but it is horrible to feel that your OH is insinuating that you are cheating. Could be a lot of reasons that he just couldn't be bothered to chat/wave to her.

I do understand that, and I know that he was already having a bad day. It was just not a normal reaction and it was upsetting. I guess quite likely just got blown out of proportion.

Thank you for responding.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 16/06/2025 12:23

'My husband and I have been together since childhood and are both in our mid forties. No real marital issues. Sex life is good.'

First of all, this does not mean that someone isn't having an affair. It's meaningless in that regard.

No-one can tell you what the situation is from this small interaction in Sainsbury's. Him exploding over it does seem rather OTT but it is horrible to feel that your OH is insinuating that you are cheating. Could be a lot of reasons that he just couldn't be bothered to chat/wave to her.