Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off

36 replies

Sadmummy3 · 16/06/2025 11:53

Am I being unreasonable to be so so pissed off with MIL? I don't think I am but not sure how to handle situation.
DS is 5 tomorrow. He has severe additional needs and hates things out of routine including birthday parties and presents.
DH and I have brought him a climbing frame with slide which we will put up in the garden tonight so he can use it tomorrow. I have also got him some clothes which I have just put in a gift bag as he'll have no interest in unwrapping anything. MIL has just told me the presents she has got him (6 in total which is OTT anyway) and wrapped them all up and wants to come round to watch him open them.
I said to her a couple of weeks ago to get him some trainers if she wanted but not bother to wrap them but obviously she ignored me and didn't even get the one thing I asked for
I told her again he will not unwrap the presents, he doesn't understand. MIL said oh I expect he's outgrown that silly phase by now!!!😡 She then asked when we were having a party I said we weren't but she was welcome to pop in for tea and cake. She launches in to how mean this is, how selfish and tight fisted I am why don't I want to celebrate. She went on and on. In the end I told her to call DH and discuss with him.
Now DH has suggested a small family party to keep everyone happy. The only person who it is keeping happy is his mum. I said no because DS won't enjoy it.
Am I being unreasonable to keep his birthday super low key and to be pissed off that MIL is trying to pressure me to do something I know DS won't enjoy? I am also pissed off with DH although tbf he did ring his mum back and say we'd decided no party but why couldn't he just say that in the first place as we'd already discussed it.

OP posts:
Igmum · 16/06/2025 17:54

It sounds like you’re a really loving mother and you really understand your DS. No, you’re not being unreasonable. Yes, your DH needs to woman up and be firm with his DM. She probably does think she’s being helpful.

tripleginandtonic · 16/06/2025 17:52

Try him with the presents, he may want to open some if not all. His world will be very small if you always assume he won't cope.

TheNightSurgeon · 16/06/2025 17:48

Keep passing her back to dh.

My dd is the same. 15 now and she doesn't like a fuss. Her birthday is usually her gifts in a bag in her room to look through when she fancies and we get a takeaway and watch a film of her choice. We get a cake and leave it in the kitchen so she can get a slice when she wants.

My mother (I'm nc with her) refuses to accept the there is any neurodivergance in the family, she takes it as a personal insult (she also took dds epilepsy as a personal insult too). There's a lot of that kind of attitude about.

It's your job to advocate for your boy, and it's your MILs job to manage her disappointment without involving you. You're doing your bit, she just needs to do hers now.

Original poster
Sadmummy3 · 16/06/2025 17:48

Theunamedcat · 16/06/2025 17:42

How would he react to a party?

He'd hate it. We had a family party for DD in April. He had two meltdowns because he couldn't cope with extra people/noise and his routine being changed. In between he was clinging to me. In the end I took him to the park until everyone had gone home.
I don't see the point of putting him through that for no reason.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 16/06/2025 17:47

You will need to spell it out to him, unfortunately. Tell him to tell her very firmly what is and what is not happening and why. Tell him to make it clear that it is wholly unacceptable for her to deny what DS needs and rubbish your way of caring for him. Tell DH he needs to do this firmly - as the alternative is that you will phone her and you will explode. If he wants to avoid that, he needs to grow up and put his DS first.

OtterlyMad · 16/06/2025 17:47

When she says “you’re being mean” respond with “No MIL, YOU are being mean, trying to force your poor grandson to do things that make him uncomfortable. It shows how little you know and care about him. Stop being a selfish old bag and remember that DS’s birthday isn’t about you.”

Then again I dgaf about offending people who are happy to offend me - feel free to tone down as you see fit!

Yogabearmous · 16/06/2025 17:43

Your DH needs to be managing this.

Theunamedcat · 16/06/2025 17:42

How would he react to a party?

Original poster
Sadmummy3 · 16/06/2025 17:40

She is very hard work. She struggles to accept DS is ND and thinks we just need to be firmer and "stop spoiling" him.
DH struggles to stand up to his mum and usually it's me who ends up being blamed for things she doesn't like/agree with.
I'd really love to go low contact with her but I know that'll just cause more issues.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 16/06/2025 11:57

She sounds childish. I think your dh needs to a grow up and tell her that you two know your son best and you will make the decisions that are in his best interest and not hers.

rubyslippers · 16/06/2025 11:56

She sounds very hard work