To be pissed off

I completely get it as my son’s similar. Your mil is pushing boundaries and thinks she knows better. I’d be annoyed as your dh as he’s basically making you the bad guy.

So op should let them distress her child, but just bugger off and pretend it's not happening?

When she was going on about how mean it was not to have a party, didn't you say to her "you were at dd's party, you saw how hard that was for him. He hated it. Why would I do that to him on his birthday?"

If she really did call you tight-fisted, how did you possibly let that slide? Didn't you push back with the real reasons for no party and how it wasn't a money saving exercise? A climbing frame doesn't sound cheap. That part doesn't ring true.

Want does not get does it. And as a grandparent, much like being a parent, you realise that the priority is the child and their way of enjoyment of their birthday. Unless poor, hard done by grandma is also going to step up when her grandchild gets overstimulated by presents and the whole social expectations of birthday etiquette, has a meltdown and takes hours/possibly days to regulate again? Or will she just flounce out the door and leave the parents and her grandson to deal with the aftermath?

Even though it will cause him distress?

How does he react?
can you leave them all to it - meet a friend for coffee and let them get on with the party they want? Say you have a really bad headache and are going to lie down?

Oh look OP your mil has found your thread.

I’d personally be fuming and tell her what I thought.

A grandparent should want their grandchild to be happy and comfortable.

No child shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable to appease an adult.

Op isn't hard work, she's advocating for her child.

I think OP sounds very hard work. MIL is child's GP, of course she wants to buy him presents and wrap them. Give the lady a break

I'd make your DH Send her a message letting her know that she either brings the gifts unwrapped or she doesn't bother at all. Don't allow her to upset him on his birthday just because she's an ignorant cow.

He'd hate it. We had a family party for DD in April. He had two meltdowns because he couldn't cope with extra people/noise and his routine being changed. In between he was clinging to me. In the end I took him to the park until everyone had gone home.
I don't see the point of putting him through that for no reason.

Then what the fuck is your DH doing, trying to appease his mother at the expense of his son's wellbeing? Prick.

So many of us have to deal with family / friends that don’t understand that ‘traditions’ that they take for granted are just torture to children with ASd

we are not being killjoys when we say ‘no singing happy birthday’ or ‘no party’ - when we know our kids are just going to have an utter meltdown.

it is the child’s birthday and it should be about going something nice for them. For many kids that means not changing it much from any other day and not having to confirm indicators rituals around things.

hold tight yo your boundaries - you know your child snd what they can cope with. Keep on simply and factually explaining where you can get your DH to do the same.

our kids are different - they do not confirm to societies expectations and shouldn’t be forced to .

feel your pain. It is so hard when others just don’t get your life, your kid and your reality - because it is so different to their own and their expectations .

(edited as pressed send in error)

@Sadmummy3 would he be ok with his granny coming to see him?
If yes then that is his "party".
Him, you, his dad and granny.
The gifts - put them down where he can see them. He might be interested, he might not. If they start to upset him remove them from his sight.
Unwrap them later if he doesn't want too.
If granny doesn't like that then tough luck to her and point out she doesn't have to come next time.
Edit : sorry your HUSBAND should point out she doesn't have to come if she doesn't like it.

Unfortunately you are going to be coming up against this throughout his life as there are many people like your mil who refuses to lean about special needs.

I can relate first hand, the worst was a family member who insisted my full time wheelchair using DD walk around a museum because she was just being lazy and I wasn't giving her the opportunity to try it !

There's been more incidents with many other people but what you should do is come up with a sentence that explains your child's needs and that they won't be doing it, you firmly let them know that this won't be happening,

You are his mother you know him best

It really is unfortunate that there are people like this, we end up keeping to ourselves because it's easier than explaining to someone. Just when we think our circle is well in the know suddenly someone pops up with a ridiculous suggestion, I only had it again and it was dds teacher who works in a disabled school organise this year's school trip somewhere totally unsuitable and here I was yet again explaining, I try to remain calm but those old angry feelings cropped up again and I just want to shake her.

Come up with a plan to say to everyone each time they suggest something or somewhere, be firm but polite and never back down to something you are uncomfortable with. You are your ds voice, he depends on you keeping him safe and he trusts you, don't break that trust, he knows you won't make him do something he can't.

@Sadmummy3 I’ve got a MIL like that. I feel your pain. It’s hard when DH try to appease then all the time. It sounds like you know exactly what to do to give your DS the birthday he will enjoy. Stick to your guns (if you can, I know from experience it’s easier said than done)

Vaxtable's advice is spot on. But also insist to your husband that he backs you on this

Says someone who doesn’t have ND children

Personally I think it’s time you took mil in hand if her son wont. I would sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms he has a disability and she needs to accept that. It’s not something he will grow out of it’s not down to parenting it’s a disability. She is not being asked to do anything that others are not asked to do ie don’t wrap presents

Then go on to say she needs to understand that when you ask her to do something in relation to your son you are not being difficult you are doing it because you know your son and how he copes. Hence no party. It is unfair if her to do something such as wrapping presents when you have specifically asked her not to as it won’t work with him. Likewise she needs to get what you say or don’t bother it is now up to her to decide if she wants to work within the boundaries set by you or not bother with any of your children and stop coming

Do you have ND children?

She already knows her son won’t cope! I am sick to death of people expecting us to cause unnecessary distress to our children just to fit it with societal norms.

ND parents have to deal with this day in, day out from well meaning people who think we’re mollycoddling our children and if we just “try”, they’ll be fine. We know our children inside out, we know their limits and we know exactly how much they can tolerate. We also know, and have to deal with, the impact of going past those limitations.

Tell your mother-in-law that unless she is giving your child the presents of understanding his world and wanting to make him happy on his birthday, she doesn't need to give him anything.

Unwrap the presents and put them inside a gift bag, maybe put a layer of the paper on top.
As others have said, either keep reminding MIL that it won’t work for DS and it’s all for his best interest etc, or tell your husband to remind MIL.

Yes definitely, @TheNightSurgeon, I’ve got difficulty undergoing assessments as parents think it’s all a load of tosh and it’s a slight on their parenting skills.

Try giving a child with severe additional needs something that his mum knows he can't cope with?

What planet are you on?

oh good lord - what an ignorant comment