Financial issues with partner

Throw him out. He contributes the bare minimum to the household. He isn't a partner. He isn't even behaving like a father. He's riding your back and saving a shit load of money that you aren't even entitled to. Get rid. He's a cocklodger.

He’s built himself what women call a “fuck-off
fund”. He is keeping a escape route, and I can’t only think that means he doesn’t see your family as a long-term investment.

Please speak to a solicitor and see if you can recoup any money having supported him for years and ask him to leave. It may be that when he realises the gravy train is at an end that he is willing to contribute more- but do you really want to be with someone who is saving and providing for themselves at the expense of their own children?

This is so unfair! I’m raging on your behalf, you’d actually be better off financially if he left and considering he doesn’t seem to care about you at all I’d be looking at that as an option…..
Peoples finances are their business and everyone does things differently but this is awful, if you don’t want to go it alone I would work out how much the recommended amount of child support is for however many children you have if you were apart and ask that he pay this to you each month.

But you’ve told him these are things that need to be bought and it’s not rocket science is it. How can you work more if you are looking after your child?
I’m not sure what you gain from this relationship. The house is yours. You have some earnings, receive some benefits and are entitled to more but can’t get because of him. You halve the bills.
So he basically gets away with not paying any rent/mortgage or pay for anything child related because bless him he just doesn’t think.
You also do all the house stuff, childcare and house management so he effectively gets a cleaner, child minder and PA too.
And he tells you that you need to do more?
He’s hardly working as a team player is he?
Don't mean to sound too blunt here but I think you’d be better off without him. You and your child genuinely deserve better. I don’t think it’s worth talking to him about this stuff because it is all so painfully obvious that he is a freeloader that he’d just gaslight you with some nonsense. This is not how an adult who is a father should behave. It is not complicated, he does not even do the minimum. You don’t beg for the bare minimum. No, you move on from this fool and show him the true value of you and your child. And that’s much more than he’s worth.

Where is his money going if you have no mortgage or rent and he doesn’t pay towards his kids?

Where does his money go? Why have you been letting this go on for so long?

I think you say to 'D'H you'll be putting in for the additional benefit. There is zero reason why you should pay 50/50 - it should be proportional to wages. (remind him of the unpaid labour you do for DCs)

Why half? He owes 5/6th, then rent on top!

He knows that children grow and need new regular clothing and footwear. He knows that food is expensive. He knows that children's activities are not cheap. He just doesn't care.

I'd tell him. You want £1k (or more whatever seems reasonable if he had to rent a flat and his own bills) a month as his rent, bills and contribution to the children. Or you claim benefits and he goes.

I couldn't get past him seeing you struggle and not providing even for himself.

Exactly! People keep saying OP should start conversation/spreadsheet etc - why?

Which adult thinks they can just exist in the world with no financial responsibilities? He's not even the one looking after the children; so I'm not sure what he believes his purpose is in the family.

Write a full list of household expenses for the kids, household etc on a spreadsheet. If you have receipts keep them, and scan/photograph them. Send it to him via e-mail asking him to contribute half.

So not only is he running up your bills, he's blocking your access to financial support. Is he worth it OP? Sounds like he's an expense you can ill-afford.

Boot him out and then get child support from him as well as your benefit entitlements. You'll be so much better off.

He earns 5 x what you do. He should be paying 5/6 bills and 5/6 child costs.

The good thing is you aren't married and you own the house. Chuck him out. Keep evidence of his self employed income before doing so so that you have this as evidence for CMS.

She owns the house so she should ask him to leave. No need for her life to be uprooted.

his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to

Apply today.

He's not contributing enough.

There is so much wrong with this I can’t even begin typing with any coherency.

How on earth have you got yourself into this mess? I despair, I really do.

Grow a spine. Stand up for yourself. He has all the fucking money but you’re paying bills and EVERYTHING for the kids? And you’re not allowed to claim benefits:

Leave him. Apply for benefits and open a child maintenance claim. It is literally the only answer to what has happened to your life but I’m guessing you won’t so this whole thread and all the advice on it is just a waste of everyone’s time.

Fucking hell, what a despicable partner and father you've found yourself lumbered with.

Reverse your roles, would you watch him struggle on £12k a year if you earned 5x as much, while he looked after your child with additional needs? Berate him for needing help? Could you live with yourself?

He's living with himself just fine. That's all you need to know. LTB.

If it doesn't cross his mind, then put it across his mind. "I bought XYZ for the kids this week that they needed, could you give me half please?"

"I spent £80 in Tesco's today, could you give me half please?" etc.

You might be better off if you kicked him out of the house and made him pay child maintenance. Not just financially, but psychologically. It can't be pleasant living with someone who is not just mean, but is actively exploiting you.

Well there’s a few ways of doing this.
It’s your house, he’s living rent free so he can cover the bills and you split the food.
Or you pool your income as one, take out your living costs & divide any/the remaining money into two.

Your current set up is unfair. He gets a free house, free childcare, and half price bills. I doubt he’ll be delighted about moving away from this model…

This is awful, please think kindly about yourself and your children and understand you need more and deserve better. Being self employed and a twat means he’s probably hide his earnings to pay minimum child maintenance but you’d be better off in so many ways by getting rid of him. It’s hard to imagine uprooting your life but he sounds horrible. Try talking to him and explaining that he needs to put money into a joint account for family expenses and if he won’t listen, say you think it’s best you split up as he’s not stepping up to take care of his family which is unforgivable

Kick him out and claim benefits. Outrageous.

This is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Not exactly. It’s crap but not as crap as that. OP says they split bills. She just has a narrow definition of “bills”.

That's what I thought