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Original poster

Financial issues with partner

238 replies

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 11:43

My partner is self employed and earns around £50,000 - 60,000 a year, I work part time and earn about £12,000 a year. We're NOT married and we have kids, one has special needs (hence why realistically i can only work part time unfortunately).
As my partner is self employed the only benefits I receive are child benefit and child disability (so about £300 a month or so), apparently his accountant says it would mess up his taxes or something if I applied for any other benefits I'm entitled to....so in total I have about £1300 a month income.
I bought the house (myself) many years ago so we have no mortgage. We half all the bills. I pay for all the extras (that he never even thinks about) such as kids clothes, classes, stuff for pets, vet bils, home insurance, food, etc. I also do ALL of the housework, child care and general house management/arranging everything stuff....and I am absolutely suffering financially right now! I am currently £700 in overdraft (like every month) and still have an electricity bill due this month and the kids schol uniforms for next year have to be ordered into the school by mid July. I never buy anything for myself, no new clothes in years, I can never afford to meet friends for meals, etc. My full wage goes on bills and kid related things. I'm actually falling into I'll health due to the constant 24/7 worry about money and was actually recently in hospital with heart issues/high blood pressure. When i ask him to take over some of my bills for that month or pay for some of the kids things, he (usually) does it but has a go at me and he says I need to take more hours at work or get a second job. Am I wrong for asking him to take on more financially? Even if he'd take all the bills then I'd still be happy to cover the kids stuff and that. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
ShiningStar3 · 16/06/2025 16:50

It seems to be a depressingly common trend for mothers to end up paying for all the kids' stuff in relationships. People will blame you for being with him but often by the time you have children it's been a slow boil of selfishness and breadcrumbs. Once you're in that position you either suck it up and scrimp while your partner lives like a king or beg him to chip in. These men should be ashamed that they're forcing their partners to pinch pennies and live miserably to clothe and feed their own child because of the financial imbalance that THEY have created.

scotstars · 16/06/2025 16:45

What benefits do you think you would be entitled to? Your household income would be too high for any means tested benefits - I suspect your partner earns even more than you think and doesn't want you applying for anything that would involve him disclosing his income to you. I'd worry his secret account is him future planning a life away from your family- either way he sounds awful and I'd get rid you will be entitled to more without him there than he's probably contributing plus maintenance!

ShakeNvacStevens · 16/06/2025 16:44

So what if his tax goes up, i's not like his wages are benefiting you or the children. Why are you helping him accumulate personal wealth to the detriment of your own finances when it's of zero benefit to you either now or in the future as you're not married?

Maray1967 · 16/06/2025 16:41

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 14:59

Thanks everyone, I have read all of the comments and I am taking all of the advice on board.
I think someone asked about the kids, yes they are both his children and he doesn't spend his money on himself as such but has it in an account which he saves it in. I dont have access to this account and he basically pretends it doesn't exist. He uses a small amount of his pay each month to live off and puts the rest into this account.
I actually called him there to ask him to have a chat with his accountant about me applying for top benefits, find out exactly how that would impact his tax contributions but he's refusing to do it, says it would increase his tax to much and he's not discussing it any further.

He does t get to make this decision. You do.

My DH is t very happy that I claim CB as he had to pay it back via tax. Tough. I claim it.

Your are letting him call the shots. Just stop! You need to tell him things are going to be from now on.

WtP · 16/06/2025 16:40

Please boot this scummy man out and then serve him with CM

  1. You’ll be better off
  2. It will wipe the smug grin off his face & cost him a shed load more than he thinks he can get away with.
  3. You will be happier.

I'm raging he's putting you through this and honestly wishing him a hoof in the nuts.

Ilovepastafortea · 16/06/2025 16:39

Hankunamatata · 16/06/2025 11:53

Apply for the benefits you are entitled to!

I'm trying to work out what additional benefits OP would be entitled to. She earns too much for Carer's Allowance, can't claim Universal Credit as partner's income would be taken into account & it's too high.

DH & me have always had our own bank accounts & a joint account for household spending. We regularly review how much we put into the joint account as it's done proportionate to our incomes. When DCs were young he had his own businesses, earned vastly more than me as I worked P/T, he would put in 80%, me 20%. Now he's retired & I still work (with better pension than his as I get an occupational pension + my earnings) it's about 60% me & 40% him.

RowsOfFlowers · 16/06/2025 16:28

arethereanyleftatall · 16/06/2025 15:29

the people who should be paying for children as much as they can, is the parents, with the taxpayer picking up the remainder of need be.

it needn’t be here, except from the fact that your childrens father is utter scum.

on his wage, it is him who should be paying for his own children, not me via my taxes.

I would be happy to pay tax for you to get him to leave, but paying for his children so this utter cunt can save more, is repulsive.

if you kick him out, which you should have done years ago, at least he will have to pay child maintenance, instead of expecting others to pick up the tab for his own kids.

This is exactly what I mean too. This guy is utter scum and should pay for his own children!! No wonder so many women are single mothers on benefits… there needs to be more penalisation to men who do not cover the costs of their own children. Literally bankrupting the country.

Tiswa · 16/06/2025 16:28

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 14:59

Thanks everyone, I have read all of the comments and I am taking all of the advice on board.
I think someone asked about the kids, yes they are both his children and he doesn't spend his money on himself as such but has it in an account which he saves it in. I dont have access to this account and he basically pretends it doesn't exist. He uses a small amount of his pay each month to live off and puts the rest into this account.
I actually called him there to ask him to have a chat with his accountant about me applying for top benefits, find out exactly how that would impact his tax contributions but he's refusing to do it, says it would increase his tax to much and he's not discussing it any further.

Why is it his choice?

claim the benefits you need to survive

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/06/2025 16:28

Just apply for the benefits. He doesn't own you and if he doesn't like the impact it has on his taxes he can fuck off to the far side of fuck or leave in which case you'll be significantly better off as you can apply for maintenance.

Get hold of his tax returns and copy them so you have history so you can assert fraud if his accountant helps him to hide his income if you do separate.

RowsOfFlowers · 16/06/2025 16:26

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/06/2025 13:51

Do you really think a discussion before would have likely changed things? Even then, some men promise the world and then it simply doesn't happen.

Would be more benefits if they had to pay for her rent too.

Show quote history

It’s true I get your point.

worriedmum88 · 16/06/2025 16:21

I'm confused about the benefit and tax situation. That is not how benefits work, apart from child benefit, which one parent can claim but if one earns over 60k then he will pay it back in tax. I don't think other benefits work that way.

With a household income of 70k I don't think you would be eligible for any other benefits. He should pay for his kids himself, you shouldn't be claiming benefits for them.

Crunchymum · 16/06/2025 16:08

You are being financially abused.

I think this is a LTB (or kick the B out) situation. You really would be better off without him.... In every way!

Happyhandbag56 · 16/06/2025 16:06

What benefits do you/he/his accountant think you could possibly be claiming that would mess up his tax?? I’ll be honest, that doesn’t make sense. I would be very surprised if you’re entitled to any benefits other than what you’re already claiming. You say you’re already claiming non-means tested ones for your DC with additional needs and CB so what else do you think you’d be entitled to? Your household has enough money coming in, your DP is just an idiot who isn’t paying his fair share.

Planesmistakenforstars · 16/06/2025 16:06

I actually called him there to ask him to have a chat with his accountant about me applying for top benefits, find out exactly how that would impact his tax contributions but he's refusing to do it, says it would increase his tax to much and he's not discussing it any further.

Why on earth is this an issue for you? Don't discuss it with him then, just apply for it; it's money you're entitled to. He isn't contributing to the raising of his own children, and you are getting into debt becuase of it. It's completely baffling why you would give a single flying fuck about his tax.

BloodyHellBob · 16/06/2025 16:05

I was in a similar position @Littleredpanda23and got fed up asking for money from him. So I sat down and worked out our family outgoings, then I set up a “home budget” account and then I told him that he needed to pay half (we earned a similar amount) or he could move out and I’d claim child support. I also offered him 50/50 custody of our DS (which would’ve seriously impacted his bloody work and hobbies). Needless to say he now contributes fairly to the household both financially and in terms of stepping up and parenting. Though it was a struggle to get him to understand that him contributing was actually not unfair!

Ophy83 · 16/06/2025 16:05

He sounds awful, I'm sorry. Stingy and lazy. He isn't treating you as his partner

skyeisthelimit · 16/06/2025 16:05

OP, download the MSE budget planner and then sit down with him and both of your bank statements, credit card statements etc, and enter all income and expenses on to there. Once you can see the true picture of how much it costs in family expenses each month, you can then work out a fair amount for each of you to pay into an account to cover those costs.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/#spreadsheet

If he is earning more than you, then he should pay more in, (assuming that they are his DC too) and especially because it is your house and he has no rent to pay. It muddies the waters if he pays for any house repairs etc, so you would need to take those into account.

Apply for Carers Allowance, and cancel the Marriage Allowance, if that has been done. Far better for him to pay an extra £252 and for you to get the Carers..

JustMyView13 · 16/06/2025 16:04

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 14:59

Thanks everyone, I have read all of the comments and I am taking all of the advice on board.
I think someone asked about the kids, yes they are both his children and he doesn't spend his money on himself as such but has it in an account which he saves it in. I dont have access to this account and he basically pretends it doesn't exist. He uses a small amount of his pay each month to live off and puts the rest into this account.
I actually called him there to ask him to have a chat with his accountant about me applying for top benefits, find out exactly how that would impact his tax contributions but he's refusing to do it, says it would increase his tax to much and he's not discussing it any further.

Then don’t discuss it. Just apply…

NapsForAll · 16/06/2025 16:02

This is insane. Him being self-employed is a thinly veiled disguise for the fact he's a selfish arsehole. I'm self-employed and the higher earner and like fuck would I watch my partner struggle.

I'd go as far as to say this is financial abuse. This is not a partnership. Do NOT marry him as you own your house outright. Tbh I'd just claim the benefits - if he's saving money by you not claiming them, he should be sharing that saved money with you. Why should you suffer to save HIM money? If he refuses, claim the benefits.

If you were behaving like equal partners I'd say otherwise but clearly he thinks you're independent - so, you don't exist to facilitate his savings account. Claim the benefits.

TheSummerHolidaysMakeMeCrazy · 16/06/2025 16:00

I don't think taxes & benefits work like that - I think it's more likely you will find out what his income is if you do a joint claim for Universal Credit and wouldn't be entitled to anything any way due to his income as you live together.

SamDeanCas · 16/06/2025 15:59

Vaxtable · 16/06/2025 15:48

I would work out all the bills, add on everything for the kids

then tell him he pays half of that figure each month, or you claim the top up benefits, which is it?

I actually think this is too little. As he earns approx 80% more than the op, he pays 80% of all house bills and anything related to the dc.

Plus he gives her what she’s missing out on benefits wise, and an amount for his rent (but I’d suggest the op speaks to a solicitor on this to ensure he has no future claim on the house)

Mymanyellow · 16/06/2025 15:57

Littleredpanda23 · 16/06/2025 11:55

@xSideshowAuntSallyXx he literally doesn't even think about the kids clothes/shoes/extras they need/etc. He's never paid for any of that their whole lives, it's always been me that's dealt with that area so it doesn't even cross his mind that they need new shoes regularly or that they need money for school activities or that they cost a fortune in food.

Of course it crosses his mind. I’m assuming he isn’t walking about in too short trousers or holy jumpers? Why would his children not need clothes.

Deebee90 · 16/06/2025 15:56

Kick him out . He’s a shit dad. Do not get married to him if not you’ll lose half your house. Get him out and claim anything you are entitled to. He’s made them kids and frankly it’s disgusting that he doesn’t provide for them.

SamDeanCas · 16/06/2025 15:55

Firstly have you asked him to pay for things for the dc? Ask him to foot the bill for uniforms, Christmas and birthday pressies etc.

Secondly he should be paying a % proportionally inline with his wages to yours for the rest of the bills

and thirdly, apply for the additional benefits, or work out what they should be and he pays you (if he’s worried about his tax bill)

All sounds very unfair, especially as he’s living rent free in your house. Tbh he should also be giving you rent if some description

Bimblebombles · 16/06/2025 15:53

Apply then - let him and his accountant deal with it.

I'm not married to my child's father but all expenses are split between us for things related to our daughter - childcare, food shops, bills, council tax, clothes for her.

I'm enraged on your behalf. He doesn't just get to say "end of discussion" when you're discussing the highly important topic of finances to cover your child's needs.