Financial issues with partner

Men know. They’re adults and generally not completely stupid.

My DH said a few months ago that he needs to be more involved in the mental load as he can see my stressed out.

He’s just started doing stuff. No lists, no massive conversations. He’s just doing things.

This prick knows he’s using you and he’s happy about it.

You don’t want to hear this but he’ll never change. As far as he’s concerned he’s got it great. You’ve tolerated this situation for so long that he thinks you’ll keep tolerating it. No rent or mortgage, he doesn’t pay his share of raising his children, you raise his children and do all the housework plus he gets to keep thousands of pounds in a not so secret bank account solely in his control. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t even like you. Is this the relationship blueprint you want your children to repeat when they’re older? He. Will. Never. Change.

You aren’t married though so how could that impact on his tax?

What exactly does he pay for?

You'll need to tell him that you can't support him anymore, and he will either need to make a fair contribution or move out. What an absolute cheek he has.

Why don’t you just have a joint bank account and pool all your money together? This saves on the ‘he buys/I buy’ rubbish and it would be a clearer representation of your finances.

Come on.

Of course he knows that his children don't magically get new clothes and shoes when they grow out of them. He just doesn't care that OP is paying for them.

You’re not unreasonable for wanting him to step-up more, but you are unreasonable for thinking he will.

Look at it this way- why would he?

He lives rent free while the state pays for his children. His free accommodation also comes with a woman who cooks his meals and does his washing.

He’s onto a really good thing and it’s costing him nothing. He’d be insane to cough up any of his money for your benefit.

Can guarantee you that he’s paying himself a token amount from his business to cover himself should you ever kick him out- the CMS he’ll have to pay on his legitimate income will be minimal.

Disability benefits? One child is disabled which means OP can only work part time. DLA doesn't have an income limit, as an example. Though that may be what OP is talking about when she says child disability and if so, I'm not sure because I don't think OP would qualify for carers allowance.

Start keeping an account of what you spend on bills and kids and present him with a bill for half each month.

Then use your bloody words woman and TELL HIM!

sorry, but honestly unless he is an emotionally intelligent mind reader he won’t know. I expect his dad was the same, and his dad before him.

I’m an accountant and whilst I’m not a tax expert I cannot see how you claiming benefits would affect his tax (other than child benefit high income charge).

UC and PIP/DLA are not taxable.

The very idea you’d split bills 50/50 with such an income disparity is mind blowing.

This man is financially abusing you.

Benefits have nothing to do with his tax. The only thing he’d had to pay back is child benefit.

The issue is that, while he lives with you, you won’t qualify for benefits as you have to make a joint claim.

You need to kick him out. Either he agrees to a joint account, all money goes in together and ALL household bills and expenses come out (this includes every single penny spent on the kids) then you each get a spending stipend or… you kick him out.

You really need to see what your life is through our eyes and kick him out.

This is so sad, and really not fair. Your situation is my situation in reverse. I earn £50,000, my partner earns £18,000. We have two teenagers. Here's how we manage finances: We worked out all household bills, made a monthly budget. Let's say it's £2000, which is paid from a joint account. I put two-thirds into this every month (about £1,400. He puts in £600). Whatever we've got left we keep for ourselves. I put some money in a pension every month, plus a savings acount for the kids. Big spend items, (Eg holiday, building work on the house, etc) we split the same way. 66% for me, 33% for him. This was we contribute roughly proportionately to our income. It means we both are 'invested' in our lives. But also gives us independence. It also means that I recognise my capacity to earn more, and that my partner also contributes in other ways, eg in the past he worked part-time and did a good chunk of child care. When our kids were small I earnt a lot less, and would be overdrawn every months, because I paid for kids' shoes, activities etc. He, on the other hand always had savings. I grew increasingly resentful, until we had a 'big talk'. Drew up a budget, and came to this agreement. It works well.

What do you actually get from this relationship? He doesn't contribute financially and he sounds like a massive prick. You'd be better off without him, even though he'd definitely try and get out of paying child support. He doesn't pay anything towards his kids now though so you wouldn't notice anything different.

OP, grow a backbone and end it with this loser.

I think it would make more sense to tell him you can't afford to live with him and he'll have to move out. Then you can claim UC and get out of the red and he can pay you CM.

He's taking the piss, he knows he's onto a good thing so is milking it. Tell him he needs to get his own place.

This.

Jesus wept.

I totally agree.
@Littleredpanda23 OP, you write "he literally doesn't even think about the kids clothes/shoes/extras they need/etc. He's never paid for any of that their whole lives, it's always been me that's dealt with that area so it doesn't even cross his mind that they need new shoes regularly or that they need money for school activities or that they cost a fortune in food." Well, WHY have you always paid for everything for the kids? Seriously, WHY? This element of your issue with him is entirely your fault (OK, a little bit his fault for being an ignorant arsehole).
Regarding you claiming any benefits you're entitled to (in addition to CB and the Disabled Child element of UC or DLA - you don't say which benefit your child is getting), what else do you think you're entitled to? As a homeowner with a household income in the region of £62-£72k, it seems highly unlikely you'd be eligible for UC (UC claims are always joint when there's a cohabiting partner so it's household income that's considered, not just yours). Have you used a benefit calculator to check your entitlement? (EntitledTo and Turn2Us both have straightforward calculators: https://www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=5314ddf6-35da-4cc3-8c03-4ad8bbd01df4 and https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/survey/1/9ac22072-ad51-44c2-abc2-30fb43f3667e).
You don't say how old your children are or how many hours you're working, but if your disabled child's special needs genuinely stop you working more hours or getting a second job, then you need to sit your DP down and explain to him the realities of life as a parent. And (assuming you've already checked you are eligible for other benefits) you need to TELL him you will be making a claim for them and you will let him know the outcome so his accountant can factor your increased income into his tax situation (although I'm not entirely clear how your DP's tax situation would be impacted by your income, particularly given that you're not even married so can't avail yourself of the Marriage Allowance). Your OH does NOT get to dictate to you what benefits you can claim based on his tax liability - that's financial coercion.
Regarding the split of household expenses, let's say your DP is earning £55k (you say £50-£60k) and you are earning £12k - this means he's earning 4.5 times what you are, so do you really think a 50/50 split on some of the bills is reasonable? And what are these bills exactly OP? He's living rent-free in your mortgage-free home, so I understand why he isn't paying for the house insurance (because you own the property), but why isn't he paying for food and the children's expenses?
I think you need to do some research OP and assert yourself with your DP. He may not be "spending money on himself", but he's clearly squirreling all his surplus income away in a pension pot or is saving up to buy a property of his own.

You’ve got a cocklodger. Get him out. You will be so much better off financially and mentally. He is abusing you. In the meantime, apply for everything you’re entitled to and if he doesn’t like it he can fuck off. I despair reading threads like this.

Yes, I feel the same. Op would be entitled to extra benefits to top up her income if she lived alone, but living with her partner, the total income is too high. So, she needs to either kick him out and claim the benefits she would be entitled to, plus CMS, or he pays (and not half either, but the correct percentage of his income).

OP, you enable him to work by taking care of his children, so the money that he is earning should be household money. This is financial abuse. What are you going to do?

How did you slide into such an abusive financial relationship??? Your splitting of the costs of your family is really unfair and you will be screwed if he decides he's off to greener pastures.

Have a think about how you got into the mess and think through ways out.

At least you own the house. Do NOT ever give jhima piece of that!

The op absolutely should NOT marry this man. It is clear he is an abuser. He will hide all his money (which must be hundreds and hundreds of thousands by now), take half her house, and run off in to the sunset.

You are being financially abused here by this man. It’s over between you and he because of this abuse and he’s not just solely financially abusive either.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Make better choices with tour kids and you in mind going forward, not him. He is not the boss of you but he acts like this and your jailer. Did you see similar when you were growing up?.

So you’re his live in sex worker, housekeeper and mother rolled into one?

Where’s your self respect? Is this really the life you chose for yourself?

Either get married and ensure he sets up a joint account to cover all the bills or make him leave and claim maintenance for his kids. You can’t continue to live like this indefinitely.

I’ve Been thinking about this thread and to be honest I’m a little confused about the two of yours line of thought.
the conversation you had with him just now about the accountant is just bat shit.

why would you be entitled to any benefits when as a family you have enough income?!?

it doesn’t work that one of you claims benefits whilst the other saves all their money.

the whole thought process is batshit

i think what has probably happened op is that he has spent years as years abusing you so much that you have utterly lost sight of reason.