To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

Depends on the boundary op. Can you give us an example please?
I know a neighbor of mine's daughter is furious with my neighbor as my neighbor just retired and her daughter assumed that she would take on all childcare.

My neighbor introduced a boundary that she does not want to commit to giving regular childcare and I think that is fair.

Needing time to yourself to decompress, reset, pursue a hobby, stuff like that = healthy boundary.

Spending every weekend travelling to the football, getting pissed and spending the next day hungover while your partner picks up the childcare and other slack, under the guise of setting a boundary around needing time for yourself = selfish.

Nothing about boundaries are inherently selfish, they're not the same thing.

Fair. I’m always baffled at Mn threads about longterm ‘friends’ posters appear to dislike intensely, or complaining about a family member who is regularly rude to them never calling to see them!

Boundaries are healthy.
I suspect that those who think of them as "selfish" are those who view them as a block to getting what they want from other people.

No I don't OP. People have been right piss takers in the past and given me the ridiculous run around asking me to do things that aren't reasonable. I can't put myself through that any more.
I'll listen to the request but if I feel it isn't reasonable or will affect my life adversely in the long run then I have no problems setting boundaries and saying no.

I agree with this quote though. Most people that disagree with you aren't toxic, they have different experiences that lead them to think / feel in a different way. There should be a bigger emphasis on live and let live / agree to disagree. If it isn't harming you or others then crack on.

Boundaries I see in a different way, it's self preservation and protection against those that actually want to cause you harm or take peace of mind from you.

I disagree OP, setting boundaries is extremely important for self growth and self respect. As is taking responsibility for your own actions and asking for help from appropriate people/channels when needed.

The opposite is being thin skinned with weak boundaries, not taking responsibility and not getting help to improve your own situation which is leaving someone emotionally stunted and is mentally unhealthy. Always the victim in a pity party.

If doing something to benefit someone else is detrimental to yourself that’s when boundaries come in? If you chose not to do something for someone else that wouldn’t be detrimental to you that might count as selfish. Maybe 😂

You don't need the term. You just finish work at 6pm. End of.

No I don't want to buy £100 tickets to see the ballet with you

So what if that's selfish? I'm protecting my time and money

I would rather if I suggested coffee or lunch on Saturday morning that someone said I'm sorry eating out is not in my budget this month ( boundary not spending money they don't have to keep peace etc) but I'd be up for you meeting at my house
or I have had some much going on I really need this weekend at home just to catch up and recharge I have no more energy to gice to anything so unless it's been planned for months it's no to social events this month ( boundary knowing they really can't burn out)
rather than say yes then text excuses on Saturday morning because they realise actually they don't have the energy or money

this is entirely different to just not doing things you don't want to when it has been planned in advance you were consulted and then you make up a boundary, or something someone needs you to help with or organise or support. We all have to do stuff we don't like for the benefit of finances, family relationships, sometimes friendships, if a friend has been there for you on countless occasions it is selfish to put up a boundary when they need you, or to refuse to take your child to the playground soft play birthday parties because it doesn't interest you, or on holiday not taking other members of the family's interests into account, sometimes we just can't have things our own way all the time, but neither should it be never our way

One of those therapy terms that some people definitely like using because they know that it reflects badly on anyone who questions it.

I wouldn't ever use the term because of this.

If it's the type of person to shirk responsibility and helping someone then it's selfish and shows the selfish state of selfish society. Long gone are supportive communities, just selfish and there are a lot of lonely people because of that.

Boundaries used as a means of control are worrying.
I've read on here loads where people say they have 'boundaries' that basically mean their partner can't do something. That's not okay. If you're not happy with how someone acts/speaks/interacts with you, then you remove yourself.

Setting boundaries is something we do for our own mental (or sometimes physical) wellbeing, and so is inherently selfish. But so what? We aren’t here solely to please others.

If you set a boundary you do it with the knowledge the other person might be pissed ofd to inconvenienced, or may not want to be your friend any more, but that’s the choice you make. You don’t necessarily want someone in your life who can’t understand a reasonable boundary.

I’d be very interested to know this too

Too vague. I think overall, boundaries are a good thing. I do tend to think that people talking about boundaries is sometimes a bad thing - it can get very blurry and unclear. Also, a lot of people talk about boundaries and think that everyone else has to adhere to those. Whereas I think boundaries are really about whatyou will/will not do/accept.

So my mother would call at inconvenient times and if I did not answer, would get very upset and call repeatedly, leave hysterical messages or even call other members of the family to get THEM to call me. My boundary is that I made it very clear to my mother (and other relatives when they got involved) that no, I could NOT always answer the phone while at work and that I ALWAYS return calls on the same day, so they can all hound and shout and listen to my mother's hysterics as much as they want, but it wouldn't change what I would do. I would have liked it if she would stop doing all those things, but I wasn't going to take responsibility for her behaviour. That is a boundary.

Whereas SIL in the same situation would rant and rage at her mother for "disrespecting" her boundaries. Which was just pointless.

Exactly. It depends on the situation. This is just a post from a goady OP with no context though, and I don't want to waste my time and energy engaging any further.

Yes, for women the opposite of setting boundaries is either fawning/people pleasing or totally resentful martyring.

A colleague of mine recently said that “her sister and these new boundaries she has are very selfish” about her sister who was divorcing her husband.

She then went on to describe her sister’s husband basically as a self centred entitled cheat who gaslit her sister and manipulated and triangulated all around him manipulating other people on how things “should” be when he had no more of an intention of applying those rules to himself than the man in the moon.

I found my colleague’s perspective on her sister’s boundaries illogical and very lacking in empathy to what it must be like for her sister divorcing a man like that.

Boundaries are a way of communicating your personal limitations. Life is very busy. We are not robots. People communicating their limits is as it should be.

Sometimes boundaries are needed or people can take advantage.

Would be interested in a bit more context here. I think you're probably right in some cases.

Setting boundaries is normal, healthy, and necessary. What boundaries did someone set that you think are unreasonable?

Why is selfish seen as a bad thing? Surely it perfectly fine to put your own needs first? What idiot is going to put a strangers first?

Take a nosey over to the relationships thread to see women who should have set boundaries a long time ago but didn't due to gender stereotypes of our roles.