To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

Agreed

You can have no real idea what that relationship was like. Just as you can have no idea why there were only nine people at the funeral, almost all neighbours.

It’s entirely possible, of course, that your neighbour had a dreadful son and through no fault of his own had fallen out of contact with other family and friends as he got older. It’s also entirely possible that the neighbour was an unpleasant individual whose behaviour had alienated his son , the rest of his family and any friends he had once possessed. Loneliness at any age can be circumstantial or a consequence of the lonely person’s behaviour.

But that’s the thing, a boundary is about our own choices. Our choice to remain in a relationship or not. What’s a deal-breaker.

Sadly we can’t dictate whether someone’s abusive or a paedophile. All we can do is can decide to get away from a person whose behaviour violates others’ autonomy, dignity or safety. (And report them to the police, etc).

One way people end up staying in shitty relationships for way too long is because they blame themselves (/others blame them) for not setting firm enough boundaries - the implication being that you should be able to transform an antisocial psychopath or lazy cocklodger into a decent partner through the sheer force of your own self respect and high standards.

The way the term ‘boundaries’ can be used in a controlling way is when we set an unreasonable boundary on someone else’s behaviour and expect total compliance just because we said so - e.g. ‘my boundary is that you are not allowed to speak to anyone I think is a bad influence’, ‘my boundary is that you must answer the phone whenever I call’.

I was accused of being "not very Christian" when I declined to fall in with someone else's wishes to my own detriment. I pointed out that the Lord only enjoined us to "love our neighbour as ourself", and if I showed no consideration for myself, that was probably an equally poor lookout for the neighbour.
Cat's bum face ensued.

Nailed it!

Stand your ground. Xx

If anyone is reading this and the boundaries they have put into place are due to parents, I am currently reading the best book on the topic. I literally feel like a weight is being lifted with every page I turn. It's called "Adult children of Emotionally Immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson. Highly recommended.

Setting boundaries isn't selfish. Its self protection to stop people taking advantage.

"No more setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm."
LOVE THIS. Currently on day 13 of my 85 year old mother not communicating with me because she finally pushed me over the edge and I told her enough. There is nothing physically or mentally wrong with her. She is just self absorbed, egocentric and mean.

People who want to mow down boundaries are the selfish ones, clearly. Some people tolerate “no” better than others, I suppose.

In the past communities used to be close-knit and people's mental health was better due to easily available support and being surrounded by people. Today more and more people are increasingly isolated. They think they feel better by cutting people off but that's not what the health experts are saying. Even in this forum I've been shocked by people indifferent e.g. to the fate of their feeble elderly parents or adult children in a difficult situation. The excuse being usually, 'I don't have time', 'I don't have money', 'I have my own life to worry about', 'I practise self-care'. And then, when we get older and our health starts failing, we are increasingly isolated, lonely and unhappy, and nobody wants to visit us anymore. We end up dying alone in cold and mouldy houses while our children fight for inheritance or we die alone with strangers in carehome (if we can afford it). Just last year the 75+ ill neighbour died alone in his flat. There were only 9 people at the funeral: 1 son (who probably practised self-care) + 8 neighbours. It's terrible.

Fucking love a boundary.

In general, women need more boundaries, not fewer.

I like to think if someone I knew let me know that they were setting boundaries that it would prompt some self reflection. Say it was my DIL having baby number 2 I like to think I'd ask myself, was I intrusive? Did I put my wants to cuddle a baby above the needs of the postpartum mother?

That said the people that do consider these things probably aren't the people that need boundaries being set.

This for me is just far too much of a generalisation. There are absolutely some women I know who'd be utterly justified in setting a few more boundaries.

But statements like this are too often taken up by the people who don't really need to set more!

I agree completely with the posters who have stated that many, many women could do with being more selfish. I am naturally rather selfish but I grew up in an environment where this was essential, otherwise you’d be trampled all over. I am sure there are a couple of family members who think I am a callous cow, but they will never look to their own behaviour, only see what I do in response (ie. avoid them as much as possible).

Well it depends - it could be someone being toxic or it could be someone genuinely setting boundaries (which is not a bad thing)

It's also okay to be selfish. Some people take you for granted if you don't put yourself first sometimes.

Does anyone remember Jonah Hill's 'boundary' texts? He was perfectly entitled to set a boundary about what he does or doesn't want in a relationship but he stepped over that line and and was trying to control his partner under the guise of his boundaries, rather than upholding them by ending the relationship.

Setting boundaries has made a big difference to my life, having been a bit of a people pleaser before. I volunteer for several local things, and previously would have run myself ragged doing things I’d agreed to.

Now I’m very selective about what I volunteer to do, it has to be something I have time for, that will fit in the amount of time suggested (not like previous things I’ve helped with which have run over by hours and you’re just meant to suck it up.). And I prefer things that are a good fit for my skills, as it makes more sense with limited time, than doing something anyone could do.

Some people not happy I will not volunteer for their pet project now. But they can’t see my bigger picture of the different organisations I’m involved with and how I need to fit it in with the rest of my life.

It’s not about control. Surely we all have the (unspoken) boundary that we wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a paedophile, or somebody who beat us? That’s not controlling, it’s just stating what you wouldn’t tolerate in a relationship.

Yes, female self-centredness should actively be encouraged.

I think people don’t always mean or understand the same thing by ‘boundaries’.

Working your contracted hours at work and not logging on at home to do tons more unpaid work because you want a firm work/life boundary = totally reasonable

Telling your neighbours nobody is allowed to park in the unrestricted parking space outside your house because it ruins the aesthetic of your sitting room when cars are visible from your window = unreasonable

(the latter has been an ongoing saga in the life of a friend of mine who really struggles to understand that ‘setting a boundary’ isn’t a magical incantation you can use to make people do whatever you want them to)

I think this is a pretty good summary!

OP, I have voted YANBU because I definitely have been frustrated at people who claim they are putting up boundaries when really they are just being selfish. But they use the term as a way to imply that anyone who challenges them is in the wrong. Also I'm not mad keen on the therapy speak for just normal day interactions. It sort of escalates things that don't need it.

As for the poster who asked why shouldn't people be selfish; well, we live in a society and everything is give and take. Sometimes we do things that inconvenience us, sometimes we don't get our own way. And that's fine. So long as we don't allow ourselves to be walked all over. There should be both give and take.

If anything, women as a whole need to show a bit more selfishness in my opinion. Why shouldn’t they? As long as no one is being physically hurt by it, what’s the problem?

As I said earlier, all th etalk of "boundaries" annoys me. But I will say that I don't even think a bounary has to be "fair". If my boundary is that I don't go out in the week, ever, no matter what it' spretty clear that it is probably not a "fair" boundary and it is intrinsically selfish. And as a result, there will be consequences - I will lose friends, my relationship with my children might suffer, I will lose out on opportunities. Those consequences are mine to bear. You have every right to say that I am being ridiculous and silly and unfair, but that doesn't mean I'm not "allowed" the boundary.

I think that's the point. Boundaries are about what I am willing to do or not do or accept or not accept. And often those ARE selfish, and that's fine, but then I have to accept the consequences too.

Of course, lots of peopel seem to thin the word "boundaries" is some sort of magic bullet. "Oh, you can't complain because I have the right to have boundaries" which I 100% disagree with.

In my experience, it’s more that people who were benefiting from other people’s lack of boundaries, get cross and accuse those people of selfishness when those people finally begin valuing their own time, energy and desires. Regardless of how much the accuser has taken from that person in the past, they think calling them selfish justifies the advantage they’ve taken of them previously.