To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

It took me until well into my 40's to work out that if I gave in to every "need" that others had of me I would get burnt out. So was I being selfish by limiting the time I spent on sorting out everyone else's problems to the detriment of my own health? I don't think I was, I was simply protecting myself.

Plus if I was burnt out, I wouldn't be able to help anyone else at all rather than just pulling back a bit & preserving something for myself.

I think the pp who referred to not helping others to your own detriment was spot on - I always help people if I can, but not if by helping them I'm harming myself e.g. yes I can't help someone move house however much they ask or even need the help, because after about half an hour of moving even light boxes I would be unable to move for days after due to my own health. On the other hand I'll happily do tasks out of my remit at work if I have the time to help someone struggling with either the how to or the volume of work, and sometimes even work a bit later to help them.

True.

Someone calling you selfish could be someone trying to get you to give him/her your piece of cake after they ate theirs and are left now without 😳

Of course no 👀

Boundaries are to keep from so shouldn’t be called that if it is about someone else?!!
ex: your boundary can be that after 7pm you put your phone down for the evening. Your boundary can not be that someone else put their phone down after 7pm.

You need to call a cat a cat. But of course toxic people will gaslight and call it various names before they acknowledge they shouldn’t be acting the way they do? That doesn’t mean that the real thing is false at every turn though…

Oh god yes. That and "I'm protecting my peace".

A boundary is about what you will or will not tolerate/accept, it's not about what other people do - we can't control that.

I think people don't understand this.

Ah, yes she sounds like a nightmare.

Sorry for asking. Sounds difficult.

There is good and bad selfishness. Good selfishness is acknowledging you have needs and wants and you can say no to people when you feel you have to prioritise yourself. Bad selfishness is taking the attitude that yes I know I am being a twat and other people are on the receiving end but I don't give a toss and you'll all just have to deal with it.

Earlier this year I developed a friendship with a woman from the bridge club. She has been very friendly to me in a way the vast majority of women aren't, I would go as far as saying her interaction with me was outside of my life experience. It became apparent she likely had some romantic interest and whilst I think she is physically attractive, I don't have romantic feelings, so I have made it clear to her that I am happy for a friendship but don't have those feelings towards her. That is my recent example of establishing a boundary.

He's not my brother, he's my husband's brother.

His whole personality has changed since he met her and he's a shadow of his former self.

According to a mutual friend (who is probably next on SIL's shit list) he spent months pleading with his horror show of a wife to stop being at war with his family over a triviality, but she refused and he feels the need to publicly back her because she's his wife.

Two years later she insulted his parents in front of the whole family for not respecting her "boundaries" after they'd spent all day babysitting her three kids whilst she was at a spa day (in addition to the several times weekly childcare they've been providing for the last few years) and he said absolutely nothing.

So now everyone has taken the view that she's no longer part of the family and their only hope of having a normal relationship with him and his kids one day is if he sees the light and divorces her.

It's very sad.

How do you know these boundaries are just your sister-in-laws and not your brother’s?
Surely he’s an adult and if he didn’t agree and wanted to see you all, he just would.

Any time I’ve used that phrase it’s to show that I’m not being a mug or a walkover. And if that’s perceived as selfish, then fine.

My boss can often email at evenings and weekends and a few colleagues and I discussed a few months ago that we are going to start “setting boundaries” and setting an out of office for 6pm-7am each night, and not looking/responding until it suits us, and not feeling guilty about it. Is that selfish? If it is, fine, I’m happy to be selfish.

When my boyfriend and I first met and lived separately, his mum and dad would often turn up at his flat unannounced just to “pop by” or whatever. After a year he moved in with me to my (rented) flat, a half hour drive away from them, it made sense as my place was bigger and I have a cat. His mum can’t just pop round here because it just feels a bit different somehow. However we are in the process of buying a house and, coincidentally, it is quite a lot closer to his parents (we aren’t moving there for that reason, we just prefer that area and works better for both of us with work). I have said to my boyfriend that we need to “set some boundaries” with his parents and make it clear that once we are in a house that is ours (the flat has just always felt like mine, even when he’s been living here the past couple of years) and that it’s nearer to them, this doesn’t mean they think they can just pop round unannounced and unexpectedly all the time, we need to arrange any visits/have prior warning. Does this make me selfish? If so, fine.

Yes and there’s nothing wrong with that you can’t set boundaries without being selfish

My batshit sister in law's boundaries have resulted in her husband becoming pretty much estranged from his parents and siblings and their children being denied a relationship with their paternal family. I'd call that pretty selfish.

I only ever think people who dislike boundaries are 1) Nosy people 2) Controlling 3) Having a tantrum because they can't have their own way.

This post seems to be very insecure, lashing out, spiteful, narcissistic, petulant, and projecting of a deeper issue you have.

This 100%

After my parents' selfish decisions ruined my childhood, teens and early twenties, and hugely impacted how I handle situations as an adult, I was absolutely selfish and established very strong boundaries a few years ago.

I don't feel bad. I was selfish and strong and brave and now I get to live a better life and my DD will never have to experience what I did.

Well, a lot of people seem a bit confused as to what boundaries are. They've got nothing to do with disagreeing with someone. Boundaries are decisions you make about things that YOU are in charge of - your property, time, body, money etc (so you don't need anyone else's agreement). "X is not allowed in my house" is a boundary, or "I am not going to subsidise your drug habit", or "I am not going to provide you with free childcare every day" or "I am not going to spend time with someone who has been awful to me" - stuff like that. Some people try to control others and call it "boundaries" - that's not what it means. Boundaries are purely about you making choices about things which belong to you and which you are completely entitled to keep within your control. Sometimes they have to be set in order to stop others mistreating you - but they are about protecting yourself by controlling your own behaviour, not someone else's.

Yes, they are being selfish by putting themselves first but that is not necessarily a bad thing

On the whole, people with good mental health who are born to parents with good mental health don't need to "set boundaries". They already have them. They grew up with them. They mostly priotise themselves and others as is appropriate. They are mostly able to recognise when another person treats them poorly and don't accept it.

People with poor mental health (or people who grew up in families with mentaly unwell parents/relatives), who are seeking to make a change towards their own health and wellbeing may need to impose perfectly ordinary boundaries as part of that process because they were previously lacking.

It's a move towards normal. Not an abnormal thing.

I can imagine that the mentaly unwell relatives of these people find the push back to be deeply uncomfortable, an attack maybe, and so they put their problem right back into the person looking to heal themselves. Calling them selfish for example

I dont know about selfish but I have two friends who "did a lot of work on themselves" and who have actually become quite defensive and unpleasant to be around.
Like you might say "What! How can you not like Quavers!" and instead of them understanding that you're just saying that to express how much you DO like them, they'll go: "I'm allowed to not like them".
🤣 And its like okay, someone's had a "speaking up for your values session" lately!

So I have a relative who thinks she can use our home as a Travelodge, regularly inviting herself to stay, without considering if it’s convenient or not. Would boundaries make me selfish, even though her selfishness is the root of the problem?

IME when someone gets to the point of having to announce they are setting boundaries it is usually because the person they are telling tramples all over them.

It’s much more nuanced than how you describe

There is nothing wrong with having healthy boundaries. IMO though, this is the language of tiresome and difficult people irl.

And it also works the other way around. I've always been very flexible with arrangements, putting myself out so that the majority can benefit. A certain relative has suddenly decided to have absolutely rigid boundaries, for no discernible reason - they have never, ever been a people pleaser, ever. No one has walked all over them, ever. I
The most recent development has irritated me so much, that I am mirroring the behaviour, and have become far less flexible than ever before (in this one relationship). Haven't seen them for months, as a result. I'm not bothered but I know that they are. It's very odd behaviour!

I come from a family of boundary bullies and I don’t care if they think I’m selfish.

Boundaries keep people safe