To think people saying “I’m setting boundaries” are often just being selfish and dressing it up nicely?

Women really need boundaries because men certainly do have them.

Oh I agree. But the trouble is these days some people are using the term in a different way. Saying you are setting your own boundaries that actually demand that others boundaries are broken isn't the same thing e.g. saying your boundary is that you don't do any of of the housework isn't boundary setting, it's pure selfishness. On the other hand saying you are setting a boundary that when another occupant of the house gets drunk & throws up in their bed is their problem not yours, that's closer.

Worse would be something like saying your "boundary" is that you insist on carrying out something like a sexual act that your partner doesn't want to do - that's your selfish desire trying to cross their boundary.

A boundary is a wall you put around yourself, NOT actions that cross other's walls.

It’s just language, isn’t it? Setting boundaries is the same as not letting people take the piss, and that’s not a new concept!

@AmpleJadeSloth youve just tested my long-standing boundary that I don't bother investing thought or time on a thread where the OP posts a one liner and then doesn't bother returning.

that makes me really really selfish [preens]

I don't complain about lack of free child care, my kid is my responsibility, but there's no way I'm letting my MIL see my baby before 3 weeks. She's an advice bombing cow who expects us to host her lavishly when we can barely get our laundry done. She can wait her turn - my baby, my time, my rules. She will probably treat my daughter like a dolly and kiss her on the face even though she's not had vaccines 🙄 I'm already dreading having her in my house - she has no damn manners.

I don't think it's selfish. For ages I was everyone's useful idiot and had friends that liked me for the things I did for them more than the person that I am. Now I've set boundaries, I have less friends, but they like me for the person that I am. People where complain about boundaries are users and abusers in my opinion - and when you set boundaries that get grumpy because they can't take advantage anymore. Boundaries make mental health and friendships sustainable. OP think of the things that you are expecting if others and have put boundaries up - are these not things you can do for yourself? People shouldn't be expected to baby you

That's a great way of putting it. Spot on.

Depends on the boundaries, to me anyway. There are some I’d call ‘precious’, e.g. new parents who don’t even want grandparents visiting for 3 weeks.

(And later will probably complain that GPs aren’t doing enough free childcare.)

..In more extreme forms, this is the kind of behaviour of cult leaders. They dismiss everybody else's needs while erecting strict boundaries around their own behaviour... so that no-one is ever allowed to challenge a single twisted rule they make. That's why negotiation and balance are so important in all interactions.

@Daygloboo sorry, forgot to quote you

Yes, absolutely. Ultimately, they bully people into submission through their use of " boundaries ", and take no accountability whatsoever for their actions. My old friend would often cancel last minute ( when she had a better offer), but my natural reaction to be a little hurt would somehow be turned around into a ' me' problem: I apparently wasn't resilient enough or was too reliant or not independent enough etc etc. Very toxic behaviour, bordering on narcissism

" on his 😂bathrobe"😂😂

Absolutely. It's about context and balance isn't it. If we all went round putting our needs first all the time the world would collapse pretty quickly..On the other hand, if we let other people walk all over us. we'd all soon be wrecks cowering in a corner.. I agree about therapy. A therapist has to be very clever and skilled, and really able to grasp a situation in a balanced way. There are far too many people who are therapists who are not skilled enough. And, dare I say it, some who are in it because it's a good way to make quite a bit of money per hour.

Context is everything. If that person has never done that before (cancelling at the last minute) and the friend is aware they have a lot of stuff going on in their life, that’s one thing. I’d be understanding in that situation.

If it’s every other time we meet up then I’d think she was flaky and start avoiding making plans with her.

No not with ' n'.😀I agree. There's a lot of it about. We're joking about it, and it is funny, but on another level people like that can be dangerous and undermine others. It's important to be vigilant and suss out those types otherwise you can get sucked in and end up being used.

Totally agree.

Exactly!

I’m not a religious person, but I think if we all lived by “Do unto others” the world would be a better place.

I watch a YouTuber and she said last week that she cancelled a friend at the last minute to prioritise self-care and good friends will understand you doing this. Hmmmm - maybe - but it really just sounds like letting someone down and instead of apologising - or - novel idea - turning up - spouting a whole load of therapy bollocks such that the dumped friend has to take it on the chin to “be kind”.

Interesting thread!

It stands to reason that if everyone puts their own needs first, others are going to lose out!

This is why I didn’t always get on very well with therapy because it didn’t seem to take in to account sufficiently well that we live with others who have equally valid needs as our own

Also, sometimes, it’s rewarding to help others and put yourself second!

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t have boundaries when people try and take advantage of us. But give and take is necessary!

There's an acquaintance I have on social media who is forever posting shit on FB like a picture of him with candles in his bathrobe with captions such as "setting my boundaries, have cancelled my plans to prioritise selfcare. Never feel bad for putting yourself first" etc. Paints himself as this wellness yoga guru type when really he strikes me as just a very flakey, selfish person who will drop you at a moments notice.

I have noticed recently that people who use 'boundaries' as a reason to excuse their behaviour, only ever use them on vulnerable people.
They're still shit scared of bullies.

I have no issues with people having boundaries. It's healthy. I have an issue with people using them to impose their will on others.

My firm line is that it's give and take. I'm happy to extend my boundaries in some circumstances if someone is in need. But you can fuck right off if you're practicing on me or just doing it to see if it someone is cowed by you.

It's a very fine line.

It depends. I've historically been a people pleaser and it led to being treated line a doormat. I did form some boundaries to protect myself and ensure more healthy dynamics. I'm still kind and polite put no longer a pushover. (I never announced this to anyone but it would have been evident from my behaviour. )

I agree that selfishness to a degree is not a bad thing. We all have to take care of the "self" because no one else will.

But there are some naturally self centred people who use "boundaries" as an excuse to behave badly and - ironically - this can mean riding roughshod over the boundaries of others. I'm reminded of a post I read on here once where the OP's narc husband announced that one of his "boundaries" was receiving sex (from her) x times a week for his mental and physical wellbeing. HER boundaries didn't seem to register with him.

That's hilarious! Her name didn't begin with 'n' did it?! Sadly, there's lots of these self righteous, hypocrites floating around. For all their talk of 'peace, love and harmony ', they are the most lacking in self awareness and compassion. I used to think my old friend spent so long living in her cloak of spirituality and enlightenment, she'd forgotten how to live down here on planet earth!

It’s really important for your own well-being to know the difference between being self-caring and being selfish. Self-care is about recognising your own needs and putting yourself first when necessary (eg putting your own oxygen mask on in the aeroplane before helping anyone else) and selfish is where you put yourself first at the expense of or harm to others (eg queue jumping). Holding your own self-care boundaries around other selfish people is the hard one!

I think a lot of people conveniently have “boundaries” when it might be time to return a favour.

Dm spent her whole life dancing round dsis, including providing 48 weeks a year all-day childcare. When dm got cancer, dsis pronounced that she was setting firm boundaries around “my time”.

I think you are right that there is a recent trend of justifying selfish and nasty behaviour using therapy language.