to wonder why parents don’t monitor children’s internet access?

Oh he is allowed to watch one YouTube video a day (usually Mr Beast) but only on the TV which is in the sitting room and therefore DH and I can see and hear what he is watching.

DS is also 9 and has started going to the village park by himself and wanting to stay at home if we pop out to the shops or something. He is very sensible and we live in a very safe area so I am happy with this. We bought him a dumb phone so that he can call or text us. He won't be having a smart phone until at least secondary and hopefully not until well into the teen years.

Apart from the dumb phone and a switch lite which is not enabled to be online DS has no devices of his own. If he needs to do an educational app or research homework on the Internet then he does so on my iPad or DH's PC with one of us next to him.

Exactly this 👏🏼Despite everything that op has done her daughter has still been exposed to online bullying. Any normal parent would question if their methods were working not just blame it on parents who apparently don’t monitor their child… the op monitored yet this still happened.

But you're not fully supervising her, she has her smartphone with her at her dad's house and other relatives houses.

She has already been exposed to online bullying, despite your efforts, yet you still think that you're handling things perfectly and these other parents are lax.

Unless you're physically sitting there with her on YT you can't possibly know what's she's been watching. Even kids YT isn't particularly safe, although you've allowed her access to adult YT and think it's safe.

As technology gets more advanced so do the ways that kids can be groomed, bullied and exposed to things they shouldn't be seeing.

Absolutely not saying I've handled things perfectly with the Internet and my dc on any level, but I have never been naive enough to think my dc are safe online because I have a couple of apps. You seem fully convinced though, despite the fact that it's led to bullying and her seeing videos made about her.

OP - she doesn't "fully know". She can't. It all looks very innocent, but she's 9 and she's very vulnerable.

I remember when msn was popular when I was around 14 and would speak to many strangers on the site, many of my friends did and we were a lot older than 9 years old. We even met up with some and knew other people that did this. Luckily it turned out they were exactly who they said they were, just kids from the next school. But this just shows how stupid a 14 year old can be. My parents had no idea. Op is naive to think her daughter knows the dangers.

The internet isn't going away, nor are smart phones or anything else, it's all about education - we were all children at some stage, and did we all do exactly what our parent/teachers said? Nope, if you ban a child doing something, thats the best way for them to find some other underhand way of doing it. Educate and let them know the guidelines.
We are creating generations of future adults who have no idea of boundaries or free thought because parents/teachers/society bans this, bans that and doesn't let children make their own mistakes and learn from them.
9 may be too young for some, but what if a 9 year old is really into Lego or train sets, and watches the 'how too' videos etc..,
Or the use the audio books or instructional videos on how to get those chords right the the guitar or piano.
For everything which is 'bad' there are good, perhaps trust in your instincts and not get parenting advice from social media? Goodness, how on earth did our parents manage, or our grandparents!?

I have two teenagers. They both have phones and can use WhatsApp and they have access to the Internet. We use Familylink and have blocked a lot of sites. My kids don't have Tiktok, instagram or anything else. Just whatsapp. We check their phones most days, we can monitor how much time they are using on what sites. My advice is that 9 is way too young for a smartphone. Messaging and calling is fine if you are co-parenting, but your DD doesn't need social media. Lots of my kids friends are on their phones 24/7. Their parents don't care, they don't check. Ultimately, if your DD can access the Internet then she's at the mercy of others and many parents have no idea what their children are doing online. I'd also block the number of the child who is calling multiple times a day.

Exactly.

If The uploading is done during school then yes the school can intervene but they can’t tell a child off for what she does outside of school hours at home.

I highly doubt a 9 year old really knows the dangers of speaking to strangers on the internet when grown adults do this and still end up killed. Google it if you don’t believe me. No way would I be letting my 9 year old use the internet without supervision.

What’s the school going to do other than speak to her parents? If the parents don’t care then your daughter is still going to be bullied. Then what?

Consuming internet is a lifestyle choice exactly like eating certain foods, drinking or smoking. Judging other families' decisions is essentially the same as judging someone else for drinking excessively or being fat because they eat too much. It's not "ideal" but the reasons behind it genuinely don't relate to you.

The problem here seems to be this specific girl rather than a overall issue of internet access or smartphone usage. You mentioned the girl has autism which probably affects her understanding of social cues and the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Uploading public videos about other pupils without their consent is clearly something the school can intervene on.

Parents should monitor what their children do on line, just as parents should know where their children/teenagers are - but we all know this doesn't happen 100%.
If monitored and educated effectively it shouldn't be a problem. for my own two children I used the 'What would grandma say?' if you were doing something which she would go 'ick' at, it was probably wrong or at least needed confirmation.
We can't ban everything outright, there are too many ways around these things, but, we can only be responsible for our childrens behaviour. Children have always bullied and always will, so they will find new and interesting ways to do this what ever we as parents try to do.
I'd also suggest that using a trust model works wonders, tell the children you are not 'actively' monitoring, but if something is wrong, or you download something they know you disapprove of..... well, fan and poo spring to mind!

Sure, because she’s nine.

So are you going to remove it when she’s not nine?

We can all get nine year olds to fall in line. This is like those couples who tell you how great at parenting they are going to be before they have children.

Your child is being given free rein on the internet. I see that as absolute madness. You see the friends parents as nuts.

I have no idea why parents give 9 year old children a phone!

Makes absolutely no sense and imo is a terrible decision. 🤦‍♀️

You cannot monitor your child’s devices enough - unfortunately they will still see things they shouldn’t and there will likely still be issues between children online.

You’ve given your 9 year old a phone so are in no position to judge anyone else! Ours didn’t get near a phone until at least 12. No ipads.

This is terrifying 😬

What age were they all when they got one??

My son is 8 and so far so good - I know it’s coming and I’m prepared to be strong and say no, because it’s really not good for them. I get it’s hard co-parenting but I’d still just manage it by her being able to use the parent’s phone for calls. I was a child of separated parents before phones were a thing and guess what, it was fine!

By the same token, why would a 9 year old have a phone and internet access at all?! I have an 8 year old and I can’t see it happening for a long way off yet. Definitely not primary school. I don’t care what the other kids do.

DD’s primary have banned smartphones starting from September with exceptions only for those using one for some sort of medical monitoring (insulin pumps etc). Hopefully more primaries will follow suit

But she's also 9 and will make mistakes and be inquisitive. It only takes one person to show her incognito mode and that's that. Also monitoring is all week and good but it's after the event!

Absolutely.

We're all pro internet, unless we live somewhere in the wilds with no access. We all know, as adults, how useful it is. However, any access for children has to be very strictly controlled and rigorously monitored. I can't tell you how many parents say to me "not my son, not my daughter". Parents who occasionally check or think they've put blocks on, all to be circumvented.
Then they're confronted with what the child has been up to/ the recipient of.
There's not much I haven't seen in a long teaching career based in non selective state schools, but let me tell you - some things children access online , and associated behaviour, has shocked me.

A lot of parents don't have time at work to be online. Or know from their online business how to sort children's access to internet. Can't be a big surprise for you.