To think I have to call it a day

If I was you I’d move out for at least the next six years but maintain relationship with dh just in separate houses. I couldn’t live with that atmosphere.

DSS son sounds like a prick.

Id be having an ultimatum talk. Whether DH wants to acknowledge it or not, your DSS is making you feel awkward and is rude in the home. Either your DH gets on board to address this, or it’s over.

Is DH not around much? Can he not see this behaviour? Or is he choosing to ignore it?

Did you play a part in the ending of his parents relationship? Did you get together soon after they split?

I have a rude (and spoilt) nephew. I would rather run away to a different country on my own than have to live with him. It’s not so much his behaviour, it’s the fact his parents do fuck all to improve or address it.

I agree, I think lots are missing the point. if it’s anything like my marriage was I’d be expected not only not to react but to see it as a privilege that my stepchild was treating me this way. I did withdraw and was lamented for it and then gaslight into thinking it was my fault. The husband is key to this and if he doesn’t sort it out with the child I think the OP cannot win.

If you’ve been together for 8 years, have you known this boy since he was around 4 years old? Has he always been this way with you, or is it more recent and if so how recently? As others have said it’s likely a sulky tween phase than he will eventually come through (assuming he hasn’t been like this for 8 years). How is the daughter with you? What is the relationship between your DP and his ex, their mum, like? Could the son be hearing his mum (either intentionally speaking to him or unintentionally overhearing) saying negative things about your DP/you that would cloud his judgement?

I had a similar experience but the step son was older. After trying for a very long time, I eventually did what many people on here are recommending and just simply ignored him. It was horrendous. I was constantly on eggshells in my own house. Having a hulking big lump of a brooding, sulking teen in my house that I tried to pretend wasn't there just mase me constantly anxious. It's not a natural or pleasant way to live at all. His father was deeply abusive to me though and I think he took great delight in knowing that the whole thing upset me. It was one of the many, many reasons why I eventually left him.

Really? Would we be saying this if a mum posted saying her husband and daughter were treating each other like shit what should she do? It would pretty much unanimously LTB right?

Some of these responses are wild.

Smile and pretend he’s a gold fish. Feed him and make sure he doesn’t die but don’t engage past that. It’s a pathetic little power play I’m sure he isn’t a asshole to anyone but you.

Stop talking to him. Time out on the spot works a treat.

Ignore PP talking about a 'broken home'. Your own kids can manage to be civil and they are also from a 'broken home'. ( I hate that phrase as it is designed to make people feel guilty when they have to get divorced). You have obviously tried to build a relationship but had no response.

OP if you love your DH then there is no sense in splitting up over this little shit, that's what he wants.

I like the idea of treating him like a lamp. You could say to your DH that you're done making an effort with his son and from now on you will ignore him. Go through your DH if you need to know something. "DH, can you ask lamp if he will be here for dinner tomorrow". If you stop letting him get to you he might grow up and accept things won't change.

Treat the son the same way he treats you. Ignore him.he needs to learn to respect you. Anyway...thank you lucky stars he doesn't live with you. Make sure that never happens.

So OP should be happy to be treated like shit in her own home then? Bollocks to that. The father needs to sort this out and until he does, OP should treat the kid in the same manner as he treats her.

What are you doing to build a relationship with the 12 year old? He’s a child from a broken home, perhaps he’s struggling.

Have your own sons said anything about this? What's the relationship like between the children?

Do this! Don’t bend over trying to get this right, it’s a thankless task. Just ignore him back.

I was thinking the same. He probably knows he is able to make you feel uncomfortable with his rudeness, so tae that power away.
Just blank him. Don't greet him. Or try to engage him I conversation. This might confuse him enough for him to be a bit more friendly.

Which is why he has his own room 🤷‍♀️ it’s unlikely the OP is recreating Harry Potter’ cupboard bedroom under the stairs.

It's his home too, even if he's not there all the time.

Ok this made me lol 😂

If only teens could be switched off like a lamp....
<sighs >

Just blank the little shit. Treat him like he treats you.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

He thinks he has the power because you try, stop trying and ignore him.

I’m interested to know what your kids make of the situation

Just make plans to do stuff with your own dc when he is there.. Every time. And stop trying to engage...
My dh makes effort hugely with my dc and they we would never be allowed to be rude.. Maybe your dh is to blame here. He is allowing the disrespect to become the norm...
Change the WiFi password regularly and deny all knowledge..
Sullen teens isn't an acceptance of rude little gits...