Husband overheard me

But that never seems to apply when a woman posts that her DH/DP tells his mum about their disagreements.

I'm in the keep it between yourselves unless it's very very serious camp.

I don't get this about Father's Day - it's not like Mother's Day which has always been a date in the Church calendar (when people would visit their 'mother church in the days when you didn't necessarily have a parish priest).

Father's Day is an event invented by companies who made cards to sell more cards.

I've always told our DCs to ignore it - it's a con.

If they want to celebrate their wonderful & loving father, celebrate it on his birthday or another day just because you love him.

Amazed how many people are actually saying you should have got him a card!

1. You cooked his favourite meal.
2. You got him a personalised gift which you gave him on the day.
3. Your child HAD made him a card, which he was given.

You did all of this and he ranted and stormed out over a shop bought bit of folded card?! This from the man who didn't even get you a Mother's Day present ON TIME.

He's a prick. An ungrateful prick.

Then after that disgusting performance he thinks he can control who you talk to, and kicks off again, threatening to end your marriage?

I wouldn't threaten, I'd do it. This is a red flag parade.

Of course you’re entitled to speak to your own sister about being upset after an argument. He is being ridiculous if he wants to get a divorce over this. I’d ask him if something else is going on given his extreme overreaction.

Call his bluff. Tell him you agree with him and that separating is the only way 🤣 I couldn’t be arsed with any of this carry on. He didn’t even get you a gift on time!!!

Agree with this.

My DP had a card made at nursery and one we bought. No presents at all, just a breakfast toast and coffee made by our 4yo.
He’s still thanking him and was happy.
If he’s so attached to formality and presents and being celebrated that much he probably lacks in self esteem.

Whether he has a point about your talking to your sister about it or not really depends on how often you complain about him to others, how you actually phrased things etc.

It's not fair to ban you from confiding in others. It's a well known abuse tactic, to isolate someone. So they can do whatever they like, and you're not allowed to reach out for help.

But what is also an abuse tactic is complaining about your partner to people, every time something goes wrong or they do something or react a certain way. To isolate them and paint them in a bad light so you always come up smelling of roses no matter what happens.

So have a good think about whether you're actually guilty of the second, before calling your husband guilty of the first. For all we know, you're really bad for it and he finally and justifiably snapped. (not saying this is the case, just saying there's no way for mumsnet to tell either way from your story).

“Perhaps you should” 💯

I was in a relationship where the OH didn't like me talking to anyone about our problems...

"My friends?"

"No! We socialise with them!"

"Just my best friend?"

"Absolutely not!"

"My siblings? Or just one sibling?"

"They all talk to each other about everything!"

"My mum or dad?"

"It's none of their business."

"...so no one."

"Exactly! I don't talk to people about these things, do I?"

"Perhaps you should."

It was partly a control thing. But also it was a privacy thing. And I understand that.

However, that wasn't compatible with my way of living. And it's not really fair to expect the other person to change something that intrinsic to their personality.

....this was one of the reasons we split up.

It sounds like he wants to isolate you and keep you from getting support when you need it. It is normal to have a confidante outside your marriage, they can actually help you recognise when you get things wrong as well as give support. He is being an ass.

i was in this situation with my abusive ex and I didn’t realise it was abuse until after I left him. You’re in the same position OP.

Getting irrationally angry at me over petty things when he’d done much worse. Getting really angry when I discussed his behaviour with my sister. Feeling forced to apologise to him over and over when I hadn’t done anything wrong. Threatening me with divorce to silence me. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells during what should have been happy occasions.

Please don’t listen to one person on here who says you shouldn’t be discussing your marriage with your sister and/or he’s right to be angry about the card. They’ve clearly not been in an abusive relationship with a controlling person and don’t recognise the behaviours for what they are.

A partner who loves, appreciates and respects you would have made a joke about it, and moved on.

You tried to make him happy.
You cannot
Think divorce

OP you can talk to whoever you like about anything you want.

You've admitted that you overstepped, you understand why he's upset, you've apologised. You could reassure him that you won't make the same mistake again, and generally follow through on that - but only if the two of you can clarify and agree on what's acceptable or not. Does he think you mischaracterised his behavior to your sister, or does he just believe personal issues should not be discussed outside of the relationship in general? If it's the latter, the two of you need to generally agree on where the line is drawn.

Above all, don't let his criticism of your ranting to your sister about the argument eclipse the root cause of the argument itself, or his inappropriate reaction afterwards. Even if the two of you get the issue of keeping personal stuff personal squared away satisfactorily, you'll still have to talk about (1) his poor behaviour on and around Fathers' Day, which sounds like it negatively impacted the children as well as you and (2) his unacceptable threats about leaving the relationship if you don't comply with his unilateral rules about your behaviour. Does he agree that these things are wrong, and will he also take steps to understand why he acted this way and ensure it won't happen again?

Yes, this

What’s going on generally, OP? People don’t go off the deep end for no reason. They generally act good natured if they are happy and content.

Depends on what he’s asking to be kept private doesn’t it ? Sounds to me like it’s straight out of the narcissists playbook. Isolate you from friends and family so he can treat you like shit. Is this what’s going on OP or is this a one off ?

100% this.

This is DARVO at it's most potent OP. You are right to be furiously angry. He is ridiculous and I would struggle to have respect for him after this.

Threatening to divorce me over this would have me saying, "Bring it on".

Was he kicking up a stink because you didn't buy him a card on time for Father's Day, but you had let him know in advance that would be the case? Venting his reaction to this to your sister would be perfectly understandable, as that's a healthy dynamic. If the rant with your sister was issues unrelated to this, then he may have point depending on you were annoyed about.

Yeah this. Bugger all I bet.

@starship92 So, just to recap:

• You cooked DH his favourite meal last night,
• You ordered him a personalised gift from the kids which was here for his waking this morning,
• You were unable to get him a card this last week, but were going out first thing this morning to get one, which he was aware of, but ...

Mumsnet is mad because you’ll get women coming on saying “it’s my birthday AIBU to be sad my husband and 5 teenage kids didn’t get me a card or present?” and being told that they’re being babyish but OP’s prince of a husband gets to be in a sulk because he ONLY got one card and a personalised present and a special meal.

Yes not ideal to be moaning to your sister but very understandable!

It’s controlling and isolating for him to demand that you don’t share your feelings with your nearest and dearest. If he doesn’t want you speaking negatively about him he should behave a bit better.