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Original poster

Some mums need to cop on!

187 replies

coffeegirl73 · 15/06/2025 14:43

So my dd is 21 and at uni and her boyfriend is 21 and is there too. They live in different uni shared houses. So his mother drove nearly 3 hours last weekend to clean her son’s room and house in preparation for him moving back home for the summer. Apparently last year when she arrived to take him home he hadn’t packed or cleaned. I mean he is a disgrace but I blame his mum nearly as much. Ladies WHY would you do this for your sons…??? !!! I will be literally arriving and will help dd carry her stuff to the car. No way will be doing any cleaning - I try not to go too far into the student house tbh 🤮😷but honestly she is doing him no favours and it’s giving me the ick. Dd not too impressed but
she loves him 🙈I just hope it doesn’t become long term. But my point really is come on mums give your sons a sense of responsibility and independence and stop bailing them out and babying them. Tbh she does know a couple of girls who “can’t clean” and whose parents helped them. I mean ffs who’s raising these princesses lol

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 16/06/2025 09:52

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:30

Well to each her own, I suppose, but is there not a point where you stop thinking of a grown adult as your 'child' and start using the term 'son' or 'daughter' in your head?

If you keep on swooping in to help, how are they going to learn to manage on their own? Grownups who have a home of their own can hire cleaners and movers when they move out/ in.

The only time I would ever help out would be after a baby was born.

Show quote history

The only time you would ever help your kids out is when they have a baby? That’s quite a weird hard line.

I would say the vast majority of people I know have help from family, siblings, parents etc when they do things like moving. They don’t simply rely on paid cleaners and movers.

I wouldn’t call it swooping in to help nor does it mean you can’t stand on your own two feet.

Fratolish · 16/06/2025 09:51

coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 09:44

I feel like the people defending this mother and son must operate in a similar way. I dont understand how so many of you won’t take my point . There is a difference between helping and enabling ?

Well I don't understand why you won't take my point about women being blamed for men's shortcomings but there we go. You can't force people to agree with you (even when you're clearly right 😉)

BrickHare · 16/06/2025 09:47

coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 09:44

I feel like the people defending this mother and son must operate in a similar way. I dont understand how so many of you won’t take my point . There is a difference between helping and enabling ?

Why do we need to be forced into agreeing with you? That’s not how life works sweetie, have you not figured that out already?

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 09:45

WFHforevermore · 16/06/2025 09:25

He needs to "cop on" with a poss MIL like you.

Hmm because I expect a young man to be able to look after himself and his home? Right. Maybe you are one of these women who do everything for their kids ensuring they cannot hold a secure attachments or have an equal relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 09:44

I feel like the people defending this mother and son must operate in a similar way. I dont understand how so many of you won’t take my point . There is a difference between helping and enabling ?

OP posts:
WFHforevermore · 16/06/2025 09:25

He needs to "cop on" with a poss MIL like you.

Takenoprisoner · 16/06/2025 09:11

You've no doubt raised a daughter with your own high standards, so what is she doing with this helpless mummy's boy? Maybe you should be questioning your parenting?

BrickHare · 16/06/2025 09:06

What’s the point in even having children or a family if you aren’t going to help each other? Surely that’s one of the main reasons, to help and support each other, no? No wonder there are so many no contact posts on MN I can see the reasons why.

BrickHare · 16/06/2025 09:03

Notaripoff · 16/06/2025 08:43

Exactly!!

Am amazed to see the PP say that the ONLY time they'd help their son/daughter with anything is if they had a baby?!

Edited
Show quote history

To actually admit that is embarrassing, her poor kids.

BrickHare · 16/06/2025 09:00

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:30

Well to each her own, I suppose, but is there not a point where you stop thinking of a grown adult as your 'child' and start using the term 'son' or 'daughter' in your head?

If you keep on swooping in to help, how are they going to learn to manage on their own? Grownups who have a home of their own can hire cleaners and movers when they move out/ in.

The only time I would ever help out would be after a baby was born.

Show quote history

But ill health is a hard pass? Your poor children.

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 08:56

Look I’ve nothing against “helping” totally agree it’s what we aspire to but there is a difference between helping and doing everything for and enabling a young man to take zero responsibility . Like I say so many men seem to be looking for another mother to mind them rather than a partner where you take equal responsibility for running a home and raising children.

OP posts:
Notaripoff · 16/06/2025 08:43

TheignT · 16/06/2025 08:29

Or you could use the term family, some families help each other, parents helping kids, kids helping parents, siblings helping each other. It's actually a nice way to live.

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Exactly!!

Am amazed to see the PP say that the ONLY time they'd help their son/daughter with anything is if they had a baby?!

BeamMeUpCountMeIn · 16/06/2025 08:37

I bet she isn't a single parent. Most male bad behaviour seems to be passed on by crap dads.

PosiePetal · 16/06/2025 08:36

TheignT · 16/06/2025 08:29

Or you could use the term family, some families help each other, parents helping kids, kids helping parents, siblings helping each other. It's actually a nice way to live.

Show quote history

well said @TheignT

PosiePetal · 16/06/2025 08:35

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:30

Well to each her own, I suppose, but is there not a point where you stop thinking of a grown adult as your 'child' and start using the term 'son' or 'daughter' in your head?

If you keep on swooping in to help, how are they going to learn to manage on their own? Grownups who have a home of their own can hire cleaners and movers when they move out/ in.

The only time I would ever help out would be after a baby was born.

Show quote history

Parent helps son or daughter out. Shocking! Live and let live rather than bash other women (for being kind snd helping their adult children out).

TheignT · 16/06/2025 08:29

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:30

Well to each her own, I suppose, but is there not a point where you stop thinking of a grown adult as your 'child' and start using the term 'son' or 'daughter' in your head?

If you keep on swooping in to help, how are they going to learn to manage on their own? Grownups who have a home of their own can hire cleaners and movers when they move out/ in.

The only time I would ever help out would be after a baby was born.

Show quote history

Or you could use the term family, some families help each other, parents helping kids, kids helping parents, siblings helping each other. It's actually a nice way to live.

TheignT · 16/06/2025 08:27

thetooththewholetooth · 15/06/2025 19:04

I had to do this 3 years running with my daughter... It's not just boys who are lazy slobs. And as for why - honestly, whats the alternative

It's interesting that when some of us point out it isn't just boys we are ignored. Just another thread that is about bashing young men and their mothers.

It isn't just the young men and their mothers who are pathetic.

Andoutcomethewolves · 16/06/2025 04:01

I agree with you @coffeegirl73

My H (soon to be ex) was raised by a mother who did EVERYTHING for him, or if not her, the cleaner they hired because the house was so grim due to him.

I foolishly did the same (getting a cleaner) as I was annoyed at picking up his crap while working fulltime as the breadwinner while he worked part time. I couldn't cope with all the cleaning so paid for a cleaner. Now he does literally NOTHING. He just drops food wrappers on the floor, leaves plates under the bed or in the bathroom, dirty clothes are just everywhere. He can only cook two things so that's my responsibility too.

I really wish he'd been taught life skills like... clean up after yourself! Unfortunately he's now in his 40s so I think there's little chance of that. It's a shame because we get on so well otherwise but I can't deal with taking the entire burden of cleaning, cooking and providing for a near middle aged man!

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:30

PosiePetal · 15/06/2025 22:46

I don’t see the big deal and definitely way OTT that this could give anyone the ‘ick’

In my 30’s, we moved house. Both our mums came to help us clean (without being asked). Oh, and my mum would have driven 100 miles to do so.

Certainly wouldn’t judge anyone for helping their child out.

Well to each her own, I suppose, but is there not a point where you stop thinking of a grown adult as your 'child' and start using the term 'son' or 'daughter' in your head?

If you keep on swooping in to help, how are they going to learn to manage on their own? Grownups who have a home of their own can hire cleaners and movers when they move out/ in.

The only time I would ever help out would be after a baby was born.

mathanxiety · 16/06/2025 03:18

YANBU

Hope your daughter sees sense.

Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 01:37

Fitasafiddle1 · 15/06/2025 23:16

Who are all of these lame students that can’t manage to clean two or three rooms with their flat mates to reasonable standard? Unless they are disabled this is surely absolutely mortifying calling Mummy and Daddy to do it???

We are a very close and involved family, and there is no way my dc would ever ask us to do this unless they had broken a leg or something! They are twenty years old! if they can’t clean a work surface and vacuum, then I would respectfully suggest they have some pretty major issues with their development!

This!

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeegirl73 · 16/06/2025 01:37

troppibambini6 · 15/06/2025 22:38

I’m taking my dd back to her uni house tomorrow. We will be packing up her room , cleaning her room and checking the rest of the house is clean, sorting out her new room and getting her settled into her new house.
She’s doing a full on degree, just spilt with her dick boyfriend and I’m her mum and I want to help her. It’s a lot to do on your own and why on earth wouldn’t I help my own child?!

i still think this is missing the point - are you doing it because she is stressed? I would expect a young person of that age to be able to manage their time and to have kept their room clean and tidy room
enoutg that they could sort themselves out. Are you sure you’re just “helping” and not sorting her outt

OP posts:
Fitasafiddle1 · 15/06/2025 23:16

Who are all of these lame students that can’t manage to clean two or three rooms with their flat mates to reasonable standard? Unless they are disabled this is surely absolutely mortifying calling Mummy and Daddy to do it???

We are a very close and involved family, and there is no way my dc would ever ask us to do this unless they had broken a leg or something! They are twenty years old! if they can’t clean a work surface and vacuum, then I would respectfully suggest they have some pretty major issues with their development!

KickHimInTheCrotch · 15/06/2025 22:53

I've had relationships in my 20s and 30s with men who are happy to let their mothers skivvy for them. I find it infuriating and pathetic from both sides. Fine for a parent to help out here and there but I'm talking about routinely doing full loads of laundry, cooking and cleaning constantly. Both are at fault: the lazy, sexist blokes and the enabling, backbone-lacking mothers.

PosiePetal · 15/06/2025 22:46

I don’t see the big deal and definitely way OTT that this could give anyone the ‘ick’

In my 30’s, we moved house. Both our mums came to help us clean (without being asked). Oh, and my mum would have driven 100 miles to do so.

Certainly wouldn’t judge anyone for helping their child out.