17 year old SD made no effort for Father’s Day.

Is her dad bothered? If not, why get involved?

I'd insist she return the £20 though.

She needs to give you your 20 quid back OP no ifs or buts.

honestly! So SELFISH

YABU to be bothered about how much effort she does or doesn't make for Father's Day. That should be between her and her father. I tend to think that the importance of effort for these 'special days' is overblown, and that what matters is how you treat people every day. Her father may of course feel differently, in which case it's for him to address it with her..

However, YANBU to be annoyed that you gave her money for a specific purpose and she spent it on something else. She should be made to realize that she now owes you £20,

@RosesAndHellebores

why has she had to nag you? Why didn’t you just do it off your own back.
and the joy of cards is for the receiver not the you as the giver. Hth.

In her defence Father's Day isn't promoted that well.
She might work in a supermarket but I went in a big Tesco the other day and there was pretty much just one of those cardboard stand with cards on, half a bay with a few novelty gifts and some stacks of beer.
Very easy to not notice.
I also went in an Asda too. The "seasonal" aisle was picnic/gardening/camping stuff. I didn't see any Father's Day stuff - I assume it must have been in a different aisle.

OP it's not your business to be pissed off.

Her relationship with her father is between them.

She owes you £20. But otherwise leave her alone.

It was around but definitely a commercial thing and nothing like the big deal made of it now. For the same reasons, me and my dad never did anything for it. I still loved him and did stuff organically or on his birthday but there wasn't any sense of 'you must observe father's day or you're a bad DC'. Now there's all kinds of days for all kinds of things but mainly to sell stuff or fill restaurants etc. Fine if you're into it but not all dads are arsed for cards and it's not a sign of whether their relationship is good or not. With a 17 SD, I'd leave them to it. You can't control the levels of effort a kid of that age makes and it's not genuine if you're forcing it. Let her manage her relationship with her dad and stay out of it.

Agree.

Teenagers can be so awful.

YANBU at all — I’d be really upset too. At 17, she’s old enough to understand the importance of making a small gesture for someone who supports her emotionally and financially. Especially since you reminded her twice and even gave her money specifically for it. Spending it on Shein instead just feels careless and a bit disrespectful.
It’s not about buying something big — even a card or just saying “Happy Father’s Day” would have been something. It’s the complete lack of effort that stings.
You’re definitely not unreasonable for feeling done with reminding her next year. At some point, she has to learn that relationships require a little effort and thoughtfulness. You’ve gone above and beyond already.

Id have reminded her. Id also remind her she owes you £20.

You did a nice thing and she abused it. Make sure you the money back.

Is it as much as an issue for your DH as it is for you? You are the step mother and I can't quite understand why you are invested. I also think the more you nag, the more she'll resist. This one isn't your monkey so let it go. My mother has nagged me over cards and late cards since I left home 48 years ago. I find them an utter chore as a result because the joy has been sucked from it.

FWIW I had a feeling dd had forgotten father's day. I bought an emergency card yesterday and when she got in she wrote a lovely message and propped it up with her brother's card. She's 27, her pupils have just finished their GCSEs, she had a ton of work stuff on last week and it's understandable. She'll pick up some chocs later.

A refusal might have been awkward if she didn't want to discuss the matter.

Yanbu to expect better.

I don’t believe the “forgot” excuse either. You literally gave her money and her Snapchat is almost certainly full of people posting about their dads today.

I think you tell her she owes you £20.

That her dad is the reason she has a good life (Im guessing) and that in light of her selfish and disappointing behaviour, and she shouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t provide any money / extra etc as she doesn’t seem to appreciate his hard work that brings home the bacon. It’s one day out the year for her to show she cares. And she didn’t.

In which case she shouldn’t have accepted the £20

Perhaps she has her own reasons for not wanting to acknowledge the day.

Would she be ok if you forgot her birthday? She might not care about this stuff

How old are you/where do you live? I’m 60 in the U.K. and we definitely had Fathers’ Day when I was growing up. It’s not some mad new idea (though I agree it has less deep roots than Mothers’ Day - though those roots are in the church not human mothers).

Stop reminding her for Mother’s Day. Stop worrying about Father’s Day. If she chooses to make no effort for her parents that’s up to her. Forcing her to do things is pointless when there is no love or thought behind it. I want my kids to do things because they want to not because they feel forced

I think I would just stop prompting her to mark Mother's and Father's Day. It makes the gesture pretty insincere if you have to force a child to make the effort when they don't want to.

We didn't have fathers day when I was a kid. It was an American invention introduced for commercial reasons, whereas mothers day arose from a historical tradition. Not that I think fathers shouldn't be honoured, but I've never acknowledged it for my own father (he knows I love and appreciate him anyway).

My kids wanted to do it, so I supported them when they were little. In recent years I've left it entirely up to them.

If your SD doesn't want to buy anything, that's up to her and not your responsibility. A forced purchase, paid for by you, would hardly have been meaningful or heartfelt.

I'd ask her for my £20 back.

I think reminding her and giving her £20 was kind. It's a shame she didn't do anything, but teenagers are selfish. She'll probably grow up in a few years.

I'd expect the £20 back.

She is obviously making a choice about this and that's up to her why she did this. She shouldn't have taken the money and spent it elsewhere though. This is a symptom of other issues and not really about father's day. Her father needs to respect her decision or maybe work on their relationship or just talk to her about how he feels about it all. Keep out of it next year as what ever you've done ,she's decided not to mark the day.