17 year old SD made no effort for Father’s Day.

Tbh I’d be black and white about this. I would be very clear that her actions have hurt her father and that that is disappointing. That he deserved some effort. I’d say the money needs to be returned to me.

And then I’d walk away.

Some people really set the bar low with teenagers. Yes, they’re often quite selfish but they’re supposed to be taught not to be, rather than have their selfishness indulged.

I find the posters saying “it’s not your business” hilarious too, considering the stance on here is “treat step children like your own”. That only ever applies to spending money on step children though, not holding them accountable for poor behaviour.

Tell her to give you the £20 back immediately and don’t bother to remind her in future. She’s more than old enough to sit with the consequences of being self absorbed and thoughtless.

You need to tell her you want the 20 back and tbh if it was me I'd be saying that maybe people should make as much effort for her as she makes for others and see how that feels come her birthday or Christmas and she wakes up to nothing.

She is 17 years old. She is old enough to be told when she's in the wrong and for her to learn that making an effort is a two way thing.

If she makes an effort for Mother’s Day, she should do it for Father’s Day.

But, 17 year olds are self obsessed and selfish - get your money back and let her sort herself out next year.

She’s 17, not long till ages an adult. How much Co parent are you actually doing? Butt out. None of your business. If she doesn’t want to then you can’t force someone who is nearly an adult to make the effort.

My adult stepsons did nothing, as usual, for Father’s Day. We had a false alarm, thinking one of them was trying to organise something, but it turns out that was about his birthday. Of course, it’s all about him! Agree with others, you should get your money back.

It was thoughtful of you to remind her and give her money to buy something.

it was shitty and selfish behaviour for her to spend it on herself in Shein.

Oh that's interesting because I am your age but I always maintain it wasn't a thing when I was growing up too. Perhaps it came in gradually in different areas.
Halloween trick or treating wasn't a thing in my area (of the South) then either but I have since learnt it was in some areas

then stop encouraging.

Does she get along with her dad? Spending the money was a bit of a dick move but it's not your place or responsibility to handhold her.

Does her dad actually care about Fathers Day?
I'd be more concerned that she thinks it's OK to spend her (my!) money on Shein. Does she not understand the ethical implications? You need your £20 back and, as she's working, you both need to stop giving her money.

She's an utter brat. I don't know any teenagers who behave like this.
I know loads like this.
Sh is not necessary a brat. I know loads of teens like this and they are not 'brats' Most are thoughtless adolescents and will develop and mature in the next couple of years. Virtually everyone I've worked with and known once they were in their 20s and 30s ( and i hate saying this some are even in their 40s now) have cringed at their teenage behaviour.
It is likely the sd will as well.

And perhaps she’s just a lazy little moo who just couldn’t be arsed to make an effort - and spent the cash that was specifically given on something else.

I’m late 60’s and we always had Father’s Day…how recent is it?

She's an utter brat. I don't know any teenagers who behave like this.

Honestly, I'd be telling her straight to give you your £20 back.

Then I'd get her nothing for her birthday, not even a card. I'd be making it clear to her father my strong feelings on it, he can indulge her all he likes, but if I were him, I'd not go to such lengths as usual.

Maybe that'll snap her out of it. If not, god help any future boyfriend or husband.

Maybe she doesn’t want to acknowledge Father’s Day and there is an issue with the relationship. My kids are old enough to choose to gift a parent a small card. One of them refused this year due to a poor relationship with that parent. That particular child has hidden themselves away and got on with today like it’s a normal day.

Please let’s stop generalising teenagers as ‘awful’.
my 15 made a lovely, heartfelt card giving examples of what she loves about her dad and how much she appreciates him and what he does for her (and her sisters).

I spoke to her about it in the week and reminded her it was this Sunday, but all the effort came from her.

they are all now playing with my wheelchair in the garden 😂

Stop facilitating it. Let her sort it out herself

And I speak as the mum of an ND 23 year old who does need prompting. The difference is he would be genuinely upset if he realised he had missed a birthday or Father's Day etc. Your SD isn't upset so let her do her own thing, stop prompting and definitely do not give her cash in future.

I went this for a few years being g selfish and not getting a mothers day or fathers day card.
I'm not saying its right but I probably would have dome the same if some one gave me 20quid. You should chase her up and ask for it back.

I honestly think if the relationship with her dad is goodshe will change as she matures. In a couple of years it'll be a different story.

I think a bigger deal is made out of mothers day and to be honest if my friend hadn't told me that she had been shopping with her grand daughter to get a father's day present I wouldn't have realised and had to do a rushed present buy for my dad and I'm 60!!!

Honestly? She treats him like an ATM and taxi… DH says no plenty of times when she’s taking the piss, and she doesn’t like that, but it doesn’t stop her from asking.
Normal for a lot of 17 year olds. This too shall pass as long as dh keeps boundaries. He doesn't have to say yes or no evertime.

My mother has nagged me over cards and late cards since I left home 48 years ago. I find them an utter chore as a result because the joy has been sucked from it.

@RosesAndHellebores
My mum is still the same about cards. I get nagged to remember to send my brother and sister a birthday card, we just say yes to her but only send cards for significant birthdays. She has to have 'a special Christmas card with ' mum and dad ' on it. She's not bothered about present ts but cards are her thing. Sadly, they are not mine!

So just leave it??
Why are you pushing so hard? It means nothing if it doesn’t come from her, and it’s hardly your business anyway.

Well she will be 18 for the next one so just leave her to it. Ditto mothers day. Maybe when her mum asks why she got her no card it might sink in. My eldest is a bit like this. Said its not something he cares about. When he was the first year of uni we didn't send him a birthday card. Let them set the tone I guess. But I wouldn't be fussing over her going forward.