Partner doesn’t care about cleanliness of house

He "bathes the kids, and gets up with them in the morning as youngest still sleeps with me and is up 2/3 times a night feeding. He’ll sort their breakfast, iron school clothes and do school run." ... of, and goes out to work!

Nothing to grumble about there! He is pulling his weight for sure.

Different people have different standards of cleanliness. He is doing so much already and wants to prioritise time with the children when he is home rather than tasks that he does not see the need for. He is doing those he does see the need for.

I don’t want to add to your workload OP but food squashed into carpets is going to need more than a hoover.

Unfortunately as with many things in life it’s about accepting people for who they are, which is difficult. Not everyone has our standards of housework and not everyone prioritises the way we do. What’s important to us won’t always be important to others. Sometimes it’s a lot less stressful to just accept thats just who they are rather than expecting people to change.

I think it sounds like you're doing it a bit too much and he's not doing it quite enough. So to meet in the middle would be helpful.

It's clear you rely on a very clean and tidy home in order to feel comfortable. Some people can overlook dust and crumbs and things and still manage to feel at ease. Neither of you is wrong.

But maybe try and do a schedule for bins, dishwasher, bathroom, laundry etc and spilt it between you. It's fair you should do a bit more if he works ft and you don't. But at least if it's on a chart or something? Then once the kids are old enough you can both teach them to do some of the tasks and they can be added to the chore chart.

Also, could you afford a cleaner, paid for with some of his wages? To take the pressure off just generally.

So get a part time job, he goes part time. You both do equal housework and your child doesn’t need to be nursery.

you both contribute to nursery fees btw. Your wages would cover half the cost. Why assume it’s only you responsible for them?

also have you factored in loss of pension and further earnings in your “my wage doesn’t cover childcare” calculations?

or what happens if/when you split and you’re earning potential is affected while he carries on?

Why would you let your children run around with food all day?!

That's the issue. Being an unmarried SAHM is absolutely nuts, you'll get nothing other than CMS if he leaves. When are you going back to work? Why on earth did you stop?

Christ alive these answers!

He's treating you like a servant - and did people miss the "he laughs in my face and sneers"?!

Arsehole. YANBU.

This.

Sorry but hoovering TWICE a day ! What on earth for?

Given the options of either taking the dcs down for breakfast or fussing over a fallen over shampoo bottles and some books, I'd do the same.

Why can't you paint the kitchen wall. It's not difficult. I'm a full time working single mum and I have decorated our entire house since I moved in with my 3yo.

He works full time, pays all the bills, seems to do plenty with his dcs. I don't see the issue. You are living in a family house with two little ones, not a show home.

If you want a perfect house, go back to work and send the little one to nursery.
Then you can pay a cleaner to polish your house, and it will be perfect when you get home - because there's no-one in it.

To be fair, OP is not unreasonable to wanting a clean house. A lot of MNers are not known for their hygiene standards, so will jump on OPs perfectly reasonable standards to make themselves feel better.

The issue is that OP is not financially independent and therefore not able to live by her chosen standards

It is annoying when you are doing the lions share but you do sound a little OTT.

You can have your standards but you can’t expect him to the share them- such as hoovering 2x per day and cleaning skirting. That is excessive.

You also need to be proactive regards to replacing the carpets.

do you access to money? What does he do at weekend? Does he do any regular jobs?

I work 4 days and
I do: laundry, daily tidying, weekly cleaning (bathrooms / moping skirting / windows / bed changes etc) all other cleaning tasks. Some of the garden (planting and boarders). Daily rubbish runs to the bin.

He does - food shop and evening meal cooking, dog walk. Lawns and hedges. Puts out bins each week

He will point blank refuse to do any dirty jobs such as dog sick or poo. Of something needs fixing her won’t do it until I nags and nag and nag and it’s infuriating as I would just pay someone to do it!

How much mess can one small child create during the day?? Maybe stop letting the kids run about with food (that's not good for them anyway), and there's less mess to hoover up straightaway. Give your toddler a cloth and let him "clean" with you while you do the skirting.

I agree. There is more to life than housework.

Get onto a cleaning agency for a one off spring clean every so often, that will do.

So go back to work and use childcare. You don't need to spend your life doing shit that doesn't make you happy.

It also sound like he’s doing his share. Working, spending his time off with the kids.

a sahm role is to take care of the kids and home. So it is your job to do the bulk of the housework.

if you aren’t married you’re stuffed financially btw. Unless he earns enough to be investing and paying pension contributions for you. Do you own a share of the house?

personally I could not do what you do. Which is why I stayed working. Dh would rather pay for a cleaner than do his share to free up time for the kids/his own hobbies so that’s what he does.

Not a good idea to be completely financially dependent on a man - especially as you’re not married. Honestly I would apply for a job and a nursery place. Get a cleaner and some home maintenance done with your extra cash and get yourself out of obsessing about the house.

Wait, what? Why do you let them do that though? We have a "sit down to eat" rule. Walking around and eating is absolutely not allowed in our house and the kids are generally compliant. They still make tons of mess of course but it's a bit more confined. Also easier to quickly spot brush up/mini hoover around the dining table if there's a significant mess than if it's trodden all around.

We also chose to have laminate flooring rather than carpet as I find it easier to keep clean.

To an extent, I think he has a point. While you don't want to live in a filthy house, your kids will only be kids for a relatively short period of your life. On your deathbed are you going to want to lie there thinking "I'm so glad I spent so much time making sure the skirting boards were sparkling" or are you going to be glad you played with your kids when they were little?

It's entirely normal for people with kids to have carpets with crumbs on them, or dusty shelves or slightly grubby toys. You do not need to vacuum every day. I would say keeping completely on top of the cleaning is unusual for parents. It does sound a little like you're trying to find things around the house to get wound up about.

So why do it then?

get a job, and use your income to pay for cleaning and anything else you need.

sahm is not compulsory.

It's never a good idea to be dependent on a boyfriend, can you prioritise getting a job and financial security?
Are you at least on the deeds of the house?

Our relationship is similar to yours in that I have much higher standards of cleanliness/tidiness at home than DP does. And my standards are not remotely high, I promise! We've been together well over a decade and I knew this about him at least by about 2yrs in once we were settled living together. He's never going to change and I have to accept that about him. And he's not 'wrong' in fairness, just different. That being said he always does absolutely any job that I ask, 90 per cent of the time without any complaints, and he sacrifices a lot of sleep to keep on top of the house since we had our youngest and it all went to shit (8 months).

I think maybe sit down and talk to him openly and honestly and try to find some compromise really. Cleaner would be great but we are the same in that I'd love one but can't justify the expense really. I mean, I could afford it, but would have to cut back on something else e.g. kids activities/leisure spend and my children would definitely rather have fun paid for than a cleaner paid for!

Also just for the record we both work part time, but he works one day more than me, and earns about double. I don't actually think this is that relevant though as if I was a SAHM he'd support that fine too and the mismatched expectations with housework would still be there anyway. He wouldn't expect me to do everything though as he does a fair share now whilst I'm on mat leave just as he did with the other mat leaves.

Why are there crumbs everywhere all the time? Unless there are issues DC can eat at the table, learn that a plate is for catching crumbs with any stray being wiped up from the table and cleared from the floor at the time. They don’t need to be kicked around the house to the point everywhere needs hoovering every day. These are skills to be mastered as young as possible.

I think you need to look at exactly what is being done, how often and why to see if there are any areas to work on stopping the need for all the cleaning before you start looking at the division of tasks.

If DH is contributing to the load considerably then that needs addressing obviously.