To think one night stands are as bad as affairs?

This @MelBrookesMyHero and, she’s betrayed you - once, maybe forgiveable. Any more? No. Weekend wedding away? Sounds like hogwash to me. Dirty weekend more like.

1. Hire a skip
2. Put her shit in it
3. Change the locks

Do not allow her to treat you like this.

She doesn’t respect you and clearly does care about you at all. I’m astounded she’s carrying on like it’s not a problem. A decent partner would be begging for forgiveness, willing to do anything to make it up to you, and cancelling all travel while they regained your trust. She doesn’t give a shit about you, or the kids since she’s happy to destroy their stable home life to shag a stranger. How dare she say you weren’t meeting her needs. Just get rid of her. You deserve so much better.

Well, you know how you feel about the situation and you have every right to be hurt, jealous etc.

Some people would think an affair worse, some would think it's the same outcome. Partner fucked someone else. Some might think ONS is worse as it shows a very blase and casual attitude towards sleeping with near strangers.

So basically if you cheat your partner ain't going to be loving the situation. Regardless of the frequency. Or the number of people.

But, if this really did happen right at the beginning when she hadn't quite decided she wanted exclusivity with you, it seems less bad than if it was more recent. In fact many might not ask or want to know such things.

However, she saying it's partly your fault is absolutely bang out of order.

She's arguing that you're not exclusive? Since when do you have to specifically state that you are?

You don't have to stay if you want to be monogamous and she can't agree - that's what it boils down to.

Edit: sorry, didn't mean to quote the original post 😳

I’m sorry to read this, OP. In my opinion, I think that any sexual activity with another person is unacceptable if you’re in a committed / long term relationship. Whilst an affair is worse in some ways because of the level of deception and emotions involved, I couldn’t stay with someone who had been unfaithful to me. I’ve been with my husband for 50 years now but if I found thst he’d been intimate with another woman in any way, at any time in our relationship, that would be the end for me and he would never spend another night under the same roof as me. Once the trust has gone in a relationship you can never get it back again.

Oh sorry, just saw it was in the last five years.

It's a very weird thing for her to say, then.

I couldn’t accept that. I’m sorry she’s done that to you.

How recently did this happen, OP?

I am just asking because the only way her saying "we didn't agree to be exclusive" really makes sense, is if it happened very early on in your relationship.....

Not saying that means you should stay with her - it's still your choice if course. But it may make a difference to how exactly you deal with it......

The part where she says you are partly to blame etc is manipulative gaslighting.

You’re not stupid for wanting to trust your wife. This is entirely down to her - her behaviour and her character.

Am I correct in saying that she doesn’t even seem to show any regret, remorse or compassion?

Some people would be more likely to forgive a ONS than an affair so that’s what it’s meant by “not that bad”. But that normally means just one and it also doesn’t mean that the feelings (anger,hurt,betrayal,jealousy, resentment ,shame etc.) aren’t that bad or any less valid.

She’s done this repeatedly and doesn’t seem to feel any guilt or remorse over it. It will happen again so you’re better off ending it now for everyone’s sake, but especially yours.

Yes you're right, in this instance, one night stands are as bad as your wife having an affair.

You are well within your rights to end this relationship, you do not have to stay with her because if you do, you will never be able to trust her when she goes out and that will drive you insane. That is not healthy for you or your kids.

And as for "that we never said we were exclusive at the start" fucking hell, what a massive, disrespectful cow you've got there.

Break up with her and let everyone know why too!

Don’t be a doormat.
Tell her she has broken your relationship and then start work on disentangling your life/finances.
It’s a long road ahead, but you shouldn’t stay where you are so disrespected.

I would consider that the end of your marriage. What a cold and heartless woman.

I am sure you are not perfect. But that's not grounds for her betrayal.

Out of interest, how did you find out? I’m wondering if she confessed all in a fit of guilt or did you confront her?

She's taking you for a mug. It's up to you whether or not you want to carry on putting up with it. 🤷‍♀️

Oh, and get yourself tested for STDs asap and, if you’re still intimate with her, start wearing condoms again.

The complicating factor here is your kids.

If you didn’t have them you’d probably, quite rightly IMO, end the relationship. She’s not remorseful (not even sorry she got found out, by the sound of it) and it’s very clear, from what you’ve written, that she’ll happily do it again if the opportunity arises. Probably, let’s be honest, on this wedding trip.

I suspect that the double standards would be enormous, should you ever decide a ONS is “not really cheating” yourself, and have one, but that’s by the by.

You have to make a decision here as to what’s most important. Is the continued daily contact with your kids, the disruption to them if you split, etc, enough to keep you gritting your teeth and ignoring her cheating? Or will it continue to eat at you and destroy your happiness to an extent that the kids will end up suffering second hand anyway?

Be aware that the cheater in a relationship (male or female) usually (IME) turns out to be way more vindictive and unreasonable, in the event of a split, than the actual injured party. So you’re going to go through a lot of shit whichever path you take.

"15 years together, two kids, shared mortgage and all the rest of it"

Got to admire her chutzpah for trying time "we never said we were exclusive" angle.

Just get the kids passports and drain the joint account and get rid

This is absolutely mind boggling and just unreal that she see can spout this excuse after a mortgage and two children. 15 years???? She’s absolutely bonkers.

She’s still cheated so you have every right to be hurt. Doesn’t matter if it wasn’t an ongoing affair, she’s still slept with multiple other people! Don’t let yourself be disrespected like this

Exactly what @GRex says. Yes you most probably feel like you want her to see it from your side, how hurt and confused you are and ultimately yes you want her to understand, feel remorse and change her behaviour. But sadly in life, you cannot change people. A mistake or a one off that someone regrets bitterly and tries to make amends to repair the damage can be worked through and god that takes time, but she doesn’t seem to care about the impact of her actions. So yes it is down to you to decide if this is the marriage and life you want. I am not going to comment on her choices and actions as I do not have her side. But from your point of view, remember your happiness and life are precious and you have to decide how you choose to live it.

The not ‘exclusive’ excuse is the ultimate in piss taking after 15 years and 2 children!

Bin her. No morals are no morals - and with a ONS, it’s just about having a shag, not even any emotions involved. Yuck.

Surely an affair is betrayal - anything outside of the partnership without the other partner knowing? Whether it’s a one night stand, sex, emotional affair - all of it is a betrayal. I don’t understand why you’re trying to split hairs over definitions - are you in denial that she’s been having affairs behind your back?

This is not your humiliation - it’s hers for her shitty behaviour.

Of course you should have sympathy - you’re the wronged party.

YANBU to feel everything you feel. It would be weird if you didn’t feel angry and hurt.