To think one night stands are as bad as affairs?

Unless explicitly stated otherwise, it is totally reasonable to assume that a 15 year relationship with two children is exclusive and that neither partner will sleep with other people, either on a one night stand or in an affair.

Your partner sounds very entitled and insensitive and expects you to suck it up. I doubt that she would be happy if you decided to do the same.

Please take whatever time you need to process this. You need to do what is best for you - not her - you!

Your needs and wants are just as important- prioritise yourself for the moment and really think about:

• 3 one night stands is absolutely fucking awful - can you really trust her again - can you really forgive that?
• the way she is behaving now - she should be doing whatever you need right now to get through this - not getting a new job that has lots of overnight stays and not carrying on as normal!!
• has she really got a new job??? or is this an excuse for more shitty behaviour
• she clearly does not give a shit about this and wants you to say she can go to a wedding abroad with friends who probably all know (and facilitate) what she gets up too!

I am sorry she has treated you this way, it is totally unacceptable and nasty!

I could not forgive this - 3 night stands!!! are there more that you are not aware of??? She also clearly does not care about you or your feelings.

Please can yourself checked for STis and if you do forgive her you set the rules:

• she gets a new job with no overnight stays
• she goes to the wedding abroad but you go too and stay in the hotel etc….

Take care

’that we never said we exclusive at the part’ - after 15 years and two kids I’d assume we were exclusive. The fact she even said that is a joke in itself. Bin her

I'd personally feel worse about an affair than a one night stand but I don't think that's a blanket thing and your OH is really minimising the hurt she has caused you. To try and use the excuse of not having a chat about being exclusive is laughable. I don't think I ever had that chat with my DH either but we just know. I think its fair to conclude you are 'exclusive' when you are living together and have had children. If this is happening when she is drunk why hasn't she stopped drinking.
I can completely understand you will not be able to trust her and will not be happy with her going to a wedding solo and lots of work trips away. However, that is no way to live. If you don't think you can get past this to a point where you can trust her again it's best to end the relationship now. Given her excuses and it not being a one off, I think you would be right in not being able to trust her.

Why did she tell you ?

She’s cheating on you and I suspect she wants you to leave. Leave. Don’t humiliate yourself like this.

Oh, that is awful. Your life has been shattered. Her actions are unforgivable.
It is worse than an affair imo.

Sorry OP but you love and adore a person you thought she was.

I could not be in a relationship with someone so reckless.

The gaslighting is jaw dropping too.

I would separate and work out how to effectively co-parent.

She’s had at least 3 ONS and seems to be minimising it and deflecting blame onto you. I’d say there’s a very high likelihood that she’ll continue to do this in the future. I’d leave, but if you don’t want to then at least get regular STD tests and tell her the impact that it’s had on you and what you expect of her in the future and the consequences of her doing it again - and stick to it!

It doesn't matter whether it's an affair or a ONS, she's been disloyal and betrayed you. Don't invalidate your feelings.

Male voice here 🙋
I think she's made her choices tbh, as it's a few times. Just try to make sure things are sorted out amicably, for the sake of the kids. Wishing you good luck and happiness. 😊

She's gross lol leave her. Saying you never actually had the "exclusive" chat?! She's a fucking idiot to boot. If she can stoop that low then it speaks volumes for her character. She isn't worth the time of day.

A one stand is cheating end of. She's blaming you. End the relationship then she can shag who she likes.

If you are wanting to try to save it then no she can't go to the wedding and she'll need to cut back on work trips. I'll be honest I wouldn't be wanting to save it as I would never trust her again. I think that is were you will really struggle- the trust as once that's gone it's hard to ever get back! It will eat away at you and if she has to go away you'll always be wondering what she's up to and who with

Yanbu. She needs to take responsibility for her actions, by saying it's because you are neglecting her needs or you never said you are exclusive she's deflecting. She's not sorry and she'll probably do it again. I'd leave despite what she wants.

I think a ONS is worse really. An affair usually has an emotional connection which goes some way to justifying the betrayal, yes it means the relationship is broken but there was an actual attraction and pull as the reason for doing it.
A one night stand is just pure betrayal for the sake of it, its not like feelings developed and that encouraged it. It's just a choice because of an absolute lack of care or feelings for the partner.

She sounds a cold and manipulative woman. This is in no way your fault and is all on herself. Quite frankly the relationship would be over if it was me.

A ONS is just as bad imo (if my husband done this even once no matter how sorry, he'd be out the door) but multiple just shows how little this woman thinks of you and to then try to blame you is unbelievable.

Get everything sorted, make sure you have at a minimum joint custody of your kids and get your fair share of everything. Do not let this horrible woman carry on manipulating you

One one-night-stand, immediately regretted and confessed to, is not as bad as months of lying and sneaking around, having a secret relationship with someone else which is what an affair is.

Multiple one-night-stands is more or less the same.

It's the lying that's the worst bit.

I'm afraid this would be the end for me - it's not a ONS, it's a series of one night stands! You've every right to be hurt and angry.

I would be suspicious about why she suddenly confessed. What does she expect you to do about it? I think your relationship is over. You might think you can get over it, limp on for a little while, but her attitude implies that she’s not regretful or remorseful at all..

In a way it's worse because it's putting a marriage at risk and causing a tremendous amount of hurt for... not much at all. It's not even someone you care about or love.

But like another poster said, an affair is gaslighting, going cold, picking arguments, continuous lying etc.

So basically, what's the point of comparing? They're both awful. It's the difference between a shit sandwich and a, I dunno, vomit sandwich? You don't have to eat either.

You can't trust this woman, she doesn't love or respect you.

Get out while you are still sane because she has no intention of stopping her ONSs.

I think a ONS is just as bad as an affair. Even worse in a way because it’s destroying the trust for something meaningless with someone else.

At least with an affair, there’s an emotional connection/love interest which is more justifiable to ruin your relationship for (and obviously 100% totally unforgivably wrong also) but I think I understand the process of having an affair more than a ONS. And, yes, I’ve been the victim of an affair which ruined my relationship with my kids’ dad but I think it would’ve been worse to lose that relationship for someone he didn’t even care about.

If you are hurt, then you are hurt. Doesn't matter if it's an affair or a one night stand - you are hurt, and your feelings are valid.

It's gross that she is now arguing that your relationship wasn't "exclusive"!!!

Sadly it doesn't seem she really gives a shit - and from the way you've described it it sounds like she's had more than one of these?? That is no way to go through life.

Fortunately since you aren't married you won't have to go through the horrors of divorce - but make sure you get your finances all squared away and get credit checks etc to makes sure money hasn't been frittered away.

Leaving a relationship - especially with children involved - is never easy but living in a house with someone who has cheated on you (and goodness knows what STDs she may have contracted!) is far more difficult. Hopefully you can get yourself a divorce/relationship counsellor who can help you with all the feelings that this is going to stir up.

I am so sorry you are going through this. One night stand or affair matter not as she still cheated, she still chose to hurt you. She has no respect and no intention of stopping. Tell her to leave and don't hide the reason from family and friends. You may find she has no wish to keep the children with her. Good luck and don't allow yourself to be made a fool of.