Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

Ok fair enough. In which case he's entitled to play video games as a hobby surely? He doesn't complain about what you do in your spare time?

Does he pay his way, buy own food etc?

I understand you don't like his attitude but I honestly think pressing your mum to kick him out won't work.

He sounds like a bit of an A-hole, special needs suspicion aside, read up on glass children, the children who are overlooked, the troubled DC soaks up the attention, sometimes forever, like your situation.
Tell your DM to make sure he has his name down for social housing, maybe, in a few years, encourage your DM to sell.
I'd buy a house together with a small annexe, no room for Dbro.
My aunt had a troubled DS, the minute he moved out to a rented room, she sold her house for a tiny one bedroom.
He still came back to her sofa.

I think some of the responses on this thread are unfair!
the OP can be concerned about her mum, be worried about her brother still living “at home” and this not come from a place of jealously, and I can fully understand this could lead to resentment. OP could be entirely happy with her own life set up and think it’s unfair her brother is essentially scrounging of her mum and taking advantage.

OP - I don’t think you can get involved, which you already know. But every time your mum complains about col or bills or money, then I think your response should be “how much is brother paying you towards bills?” “Is brother paying a fair amount”, you can ask those questions and raise it without it being an issue for you

Having read the updates I think that it sounds like the heart of the issue is the resentment towards your brother and maybe how your mum treats him vs you. If that's the case then you need to 'drop the rope' as it were. You'll never change a mother's view towards her son,it doesn't work like that, even if it is to her own detriment. It's one of the reasons we have lots of enabled man babies knocking about but there it is (and i hate blaming women for mens issues but I've seen it over and over again with my own eyes). Be happy for your life as it sounds like you are happy, let your mother get on with mollycoddling her son and let your brother carry on doing whatever he's doing. Don't let the resulting issues become yours l.Any other approach just means misery for you.

Obviously that's not great. If he's disabled so doesn't work then fair enough, but otherwise he should at least be job seeking. And of course helping out. But ultimately his mum is the one who's seemingly happy to have him there so there's little to be done.

My little brother, 30, still lives at home and tbh I could think of nothing worse! He is doing it to save a bigger deposit for a house and hopes to move out next year. I’d literally never thought twice about it before? I don’t consider it any of my business.

What I would say is there’s a loneliness epidemic - especially amongst single men without kids and older people - so if it works for them and means they have someone to talk to / eat dinner with, I can’t see it’s anything to do with you.

Probably if he was a nice person, he does very little to help, playing video games all day.

Absolutely reasonable to be concerned for your mother, and to be ambivalent about her complaints about her raising her money issues while not being sure what contributions your brother is making to his living there. That’s all fair.

However, saying that, ‘… she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that…’, is not correct. If your brother were to start contributing to the mortgage directly, rather than just paying a contribution to living costs, then he would be directly paying into the house as a current and future asset. He and your mother may wish to set up such an arrangement, but if they did then they would need to change things legally and he would become a percentage owner in the property and would have certain rights to the house and it would affect any future inheritance. Paying a mortgage is about ownership, paying rent or living costs (bills, food, etc.) is very different. If your brother were to help pay the mortgage it is only fair that this is reflected back in his future inheritance and (which would suggest he shouldn’t do this) he would face tax implications and your mother would risk his wanting to take the equity out at some point, forcing her to reimburse him and possibly sell the house to pay that.

Absolutely reasonable to be concerned for your mother, and to be ambivalent about her complaints about her raising her money issues while not being sure what contributions your brother is making to his living there. That’s all fair.

However, saying that, ‘… she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that…’, is not correct. If your brother were to start contributing to the mortgage directly, rather than just paying a contribution to living costs, then he would be directly paying into the house as a current and future asset. He and your mother may wish to set up such an arrangement, but if they did then they would need to change things legally and he would become a percentage owner in the property and would have certain rights to the house and it would affect any future inheritance. Paying a mortgage is about ownership, paying rent or living costs (bills, food, etc.) is very different. If your brother were to help pay the mortgage it is only fair that this is reflected back in his future inheritance and (which would suggest he shouldn’t do this) he would face tax implications and your mother would risk his wanting to take the equity out at some point, forcing her to reimburse him and possibly sell the house to pay that.

It is to do with the OP though and it could easily become her problem.

We know that assumptions are just made. There's an assumption that a grown man living at home will support an elderly parent. I bet he doesn't.

When the OP's DM is no longer here what then? Is the assumption that he lives with the OP? Or somehow he blossoms into a fully functioning adult who knows how to run a home?

As their DM ages so is he. We've had the benefit of trial and error over the years to manage finances and a home and he hasn't. Is there even a plan for this?

Gosh you’ve had a hard time here, The vipers are out. You have a brother who has poor family relationships with his grandfather, child, sister, who you suspect might be putting your mother into financial precarity, and a mother who makes financially poor decisions, and neither of them have a plan.

like others, I too have seen this play out and it’s not pretty. I worked with someone who sorted out all of her father’s care needs (carers, equipment, scheduled) from 150 miles away despite the fact she had a sibling living in her father’s house who has been enabled for 20 years and had no practical skills at all. I know someone else which sounds very similar to this - the mother will now go on holiday without her 43 year old son, but only having prepared meals for him for every day she’s away.

Then what’s your problem. Your mum is probably glad of the company. Have you asked her ? Would she support you in the same way if circumstances were different ?

I find it interesting that OP refers to her brother living with their mother as "living at home", despite OP living as a independent adult elsewhere that - in her mind - doesn't qualify as "home", or at least is less of a "home" than mother's house.

It's as if she thinks "home" is where mother lives (even though it's not her childhood home) and anything else isn't a "real home".

I know it's common for young people and students not to consider bedsits and temporary accommodation as "home" and I completely get that, but for a proper grown up to view their mothers house as their proper home when they are living a supposedly adult life is strange.

It might explain OP's resentment of her brother that he gets to live "at home" with their lovely mother, while she has to play-act at being grown-up somewhere else.

This and what appears to be squabbling for mother's affection suggest, both OP and her brother are a little immature and overly dependent on mother's love and approval.

I think both need to cut the apron strings and grow up.

Personally, I think I'd rather have the life you have, rather than your brothers. And I think most (if not all) adults would agree.
Living at home with mummy is painfully embarrassing at 36, and potentially more so for a man, where the cultural expectation is still that men go out into the world fairly promptly and start "providing". Does he have a job? Friends that he goes and sees? A partner?

What's the reason he still lives with mummy?

I've got a female friend who is about 37/38 who still lives with her mum. She has a twin sister who is married with two kids. I do wonder what the deal is.

@RowsOfFlowers so what did your bro do with his inheritance??