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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum allows 36 yo brother to live at home - AIBU?

346 replies

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 07:59

My father died a few years ago, and my single older brother was given some inheritance for this, large enough for a deposit. He’s also lived at home for the past 7-8 years.

Meanwhile I am married and have a house with my husband. We bought our first house when I was 26, I am now 34. Mortgage, bills, CoL high. Trying for children.

I don’t get on with my brother, but I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair. My mum is constantly telling me that she’s short on money, but she also tells me that he does pay her something for staying there. I can’t help but feel it’s minimal, and he’s taking my mum for a ride. AIBU in that I think this is unfair? I also want to ask my mum how much and to help her advocate for herself but also don’t feel it’s my place. Don’t really know what I’m supposed to do here.

OP posts:
Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:38

crumblingschools · 15/06/2025 08:35

What will happen when your DM dies or needs to go into a care home?

She may feel she has to look after him and have him live with her rather than wants to.

How many people would want their adult DC of that age living with them and not having a life of their own, and also not having your own life.

A relative on DH’s side still has their 50 year old son living with them. She still cooks for him and does his laundry. Will always make sure they are home in time, if out for the day, to cook his meal when he gets in from work or prepares something for him before going out. He is fully capable of looking after himself. His siblings who left home years ago think it is really odd. Don’t think he pays his way either

I do find it odd myself to be honest, and I do worry about the future and what happens if she needs care, or passes away 😔

OP posts:
feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:37

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:33

all the money was in their house, she sold it… with the view to downsize as she couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments on her own without my dad but then bought a house similar in value to house my brother, so she didn’t really end up downsizing in the end!!

She still works to pay for mortgage and bills on new house. She’s in her early 60s!

Edited
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This is where the problem lies for some reason you and your brother got inheritance from your dad when your mum should of kept it all to pay the mortgage, have you thought about giving the inheritance back to her

crumblingschools · 15/06/2025 08:37

@RowsOfFlowers if your DM says she is short of money would it be an idea to talk about whether she needs to downsize more

Coffeeishot · 15/06/2025 08:37

If your brother is neuridiverse he will have different needs to yours so living at home might suit him better, I do think you need to ask your mum about finances if you think he's not paying his way.

greencartbluecart · 15/06/2025 08:36

I guess it’s hard as I suspect you feel your mother prefers him to you and is willing to do more for him than you

perhaps your mother feels that at least you have a special other person and your brother doesn’t have anyone that close ?

Coconutter24 · 15/06/2025 08:35

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 08:15

Maybe your DM isn't good with money or budgeting. She sold a large house, downsized, did the sale profit go towards the inheritance you received or in the bank?

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Op said mum bought a bigger house not down sized

crumblingschools · 15/06/2025 08:35

What will happen when your DM dies or needs to go into a care home?

She may feel she has to look after him and have him live with her rather than wants to.

How many people would want their adult DC of that age living with them and not having a life of their own, and also not having your own life.

A relative on DH’s side still has their 50 year old son living with them. She still cooks for him and does his laundry. Will always make sure they are home in time, if out for the day, to cook his meal when he gets in from work or prepares something for him before going out. He is fully capable of looking after himself. His siblings who left home years ago think it is really odd. Don’t think he pays his way either

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:35

Fingernailbiter · 15/06/2025 08:34

If she raises the issue of being short of money, I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t say something like "I don’t know what housing and living costs Algernon pays you and it’s none of my business, but as there are two of you sharing the house you ought to discuss your money problems, and how you split all the costs, with him."

Yep, this is the kind of advice I need. Thank you!

OP posts:
MoistVonL · 15/06/2025 08:35

I now feel resentful towards my mum for allowing him to live with her (and for this long) It doesn’t feel fair.

^ This is your first post - resentful, jealous and complaining it’s not fair. You bring up an irrelevant inheritance without mentioning you got the same thing.

People told you to butt out and leave them to it. So now you’ve pivoted to “I just want to make sure she’s okay, and making good decisions”

I think if you are honest with yourself it’s the former that bothers you. The swerve to say you’re just worried about your poor mum
is a more socially palatable reason to criticise the situation.

It seems to me you think your brother is ‘getting away with something’ by living at home with his mum while you got married and bought a house.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:34

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:32

So what does op want for her brothers name to go on the mortgage and pay half. All he's doing is renting a room so obviously his bills will be significantly cheaper then op

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But he’s not just renting a room is he? He’s living in a 3 bedroom house with my mum while she does most of the cooking and all of the cleaning 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Fingernailbiter · 15/06/2025 08:34

If she raises the issue of being short of money, I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t say something like "I don’t know what housing and living costs Algernon pays you and it’s none of my business, but as there are two of you sharing the house you ought to discuss your money problems, and how you split all the costs, with him."

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:34

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:31

Because it’s hard for me, and I feel somewhat resentful if my mum is having to support my brother while complaining to me about it. It’s not jealousy.

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But this is what parents do especially parents of nd kids/adults. You will understand when you have kids

DifferentChild · 15/06/2025 08:33

@RowsOfFlowers I think you are genuinely concerned about your mum and worried that your brother is taking advantage of her inability to stand up for herself. Unfortunately your initial post makes it sound as though you’re more concerned about who will get your mums house in the end.
you need to sit down with your mum and be straight with her. I don’t know how old she is but she will probably be unable to process the idea of needing someone to look after her and how unsuitable your brother is for this role. You have my sympathy, you’re probably right but unless your mum cooperates there’s little you can do about it.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:33

thepariscrimefiles · 15/06/2025 08:31

Were your parents still married when your dad died? If so, I would have expected the insurance to have paid off the mortgage when your dad died.

It's your mum's choice to let him live there. When she talks about being short of money, does she expect you to help her out financially? If so, she is being unreasonable. Does your mum still work or is she retired?

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all the money was in their house, she sold it… with the view to downsize as she couldn’t afford the mortgage repayments on her own without my dad but then bought a house similar in value to house my brother, so she didn’t really end up downsizing in the end!!

She still works to pay for mortgage and bills on new house. She’s in her early 60s!

OP posts:
feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:32

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 08:30

Because DBro is unaffected by these while DM is struggling financially.

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So what does op want for her brothers name to go on the mortgage and pay half. All he's doing is renting a room so obviously his bills will be significantly cheaper then op

Coffeeishot · 15/06/2025 08:32

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:22

No, my mum isn’t like this x

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Fair enough, it was just a thought.

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:31

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:29

So why are you talking about your mortgage and bills and the col

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Because it’s hard for me, and I feel somewhat resentful if my mum is having to support my brother while complaining to me about it. It’s not jealousy.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 15/06/2025 08:31

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:04

No, I don’t want to live with her, and I am happy with my life - I don’t feel jealous.

It’s more that it affects my relationship with my mum as when she visits, she tells me she’s short on money etc, but she has a small mortgage, and my brother should be contributing to that and bills but I’ve got a sad feeling that she doesn’t ask for much and stand up for herself so I feel he’s taking advantage of her if that makes sense. I feel sorry for my mum.

Were your parents still married when your dad died? If so, I would have expected the insurance to have paid off the mortgage when your dad died.

It's your mum's choice to let him live there. When she talks about being short of money, does she expect you to help her out financially? If so, she is being unreasonable. Does your mum still work or is she retired?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 08:30

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:29

So why are you talking about your mortgage and bills and the col

Show quote history

Because DBro is unaffected by these while DM is struggling financially.

19lottie82 · 15/06/2025 08:29

Vera87 · 15/06/2025 08:20

Why is it a problem? She probably likes the company and he’s happy there too. You got inheritance also so equal treatment

Did you read the OP?

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:29

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:27

Lol, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m no money grabber. That’s a very negative and quite nasty reply that I have to stand firmly against in all honesty. This has nothing to do with jealousy or inheritance battles - this is actually more to do with worrying that my mum is being taken advantage of - it’s actually a complex situation that you’ve had little to no empathy for.

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So why are you talking about your mortgage and bills and the col

EmeraldShamrock000 · 15/06/2025 08:28

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:24

I personally think he’s on the asd spectrum if I’m honest, but no it’s not an ideal situation. I don’t personally get on with him as he’s not very nice to me, so I tend to stay away. I’ll always try to look out for my mom. I do worry a lot about the future, but I’m trying to balance that with focusing on my own life and goals.

thanks everyone for your replies.

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I understand your frustration. It is difficult being the sibling on the outside.
There is nothing you can do unfortunately.
If he isn't paying enough, your DM needs to talk to him. 💐

Original poster
RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:27

feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:25

Your first post sounds very jealous that your struggling with money he's getting to live cheaply but what your not understanding is your paying for a whole house he's paying for a room in house. You say your worried about future why because you think you won't get the amount of inheritance you think you deserve. You sound like a money grabber.

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Lol, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m no money grabber. That’s a very negative and quite nasty reply that I have to stand firmly against in all honesty. This has nothing to do with jealousy or inheritance battles - this is actually more to do with worrying that my mum is being taken advantage of - it’s actually a complex situation that you’ve had little to no empathy for.

OP posts:
feelingbleh · 15/06/2025 08:25

RowsOfFlowers · 15/06/2025 08:18

See, I’m worried that he is somewhat manipulative and controlling :(

btw I want to make it clear I am not posting out of jealously I do not actually want to live with my mum, I love my independence and my own home with my husband.

It’s more a combination of resentment, worry about the future, concern for my mum. People are telling me to stay out of it, which I pretty much do to be fair, but this is also my mum and I may be in the position at some point where I’ll need to care or advocate for her, so I feel it is in my interests somewhat. She is entitled to her own decisions, and I’ll respect that, but I can still feel concerned.

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Your first post sounds very jealous that your struggling with money he's getting to live cheaply but what your not understanding is your paying for a whole house he's paying for a room in house. You say your worried about future why because you think you won't get the amount of inheritance you think you deserve. You sound like a money grabber.

Marchhare80 · 15/06/2025 08:24

Just be grateful you have a life with a husband and house etc. Your poor brother is living with his mother at 36. Unless you think he is taking advantage of your mum/mistreating her, it isn't your business.