Is gentle parenting effective

Gentle parenting is authoritative, it's the absolute primary rule of gentle parenting.

I think it's the opposite of authoritative parenting as you give the child a lot of authority over things they probably don't understand and talk to them loads which probably just confuses them.

Being a nice parent isn't the same as gentle parenting.

Oh and every single parent I know in RL who describes themselves as a "gentle parent" is in fact a permissive parent who:

• imposes no firm boundaries
• has quite a selfish impulsive child
• risks a lot of bad/unsafe behaviour because there's no real punishment, so its "worth" the "consequences" they often do not care about.

The options aren't gentle parenting Vs losing your shit. From what I've read the style of parenting that produces best outcomes for kids long-term is authoritative parenting (not authoritarian). I would say gentle parenting is far off authoritative parenting. Too much talking, not enough clarity for kids.

The worst behaved students I taught were those whose parents either did the whole tinkly laugh "oh dear what will we do with him!" permissive parenting, or those who'd shout at their kids constantly and had a "do as I say, no questions asked" attitude. The two ends of the spectrum; certainly not the gentle parented ones.

Gentle parenting should really just be called "parenting" - it's effective, it's respectful, it's authoritative rather than authoritarian.

As many have said before, gentle parenting works on gentle children! It largely worked on my eldest (it is probably also more effective where you are not juggling the needs and wishes of multiple children). It resulted in my youngest DD getting essentially quite naughty by age 5. A year of more traditional approaches and she's a happier, well behaved, calmer member of the family.

I dislike the fact that it:

• expects you to validate all children's feelings. Young children often react disproportionately to things and display feelings that are rather selfish. I think an important part of parenting is not to validate excessive feelings or antisocial emotions but to help children put things in proportion.

• places no real value on obedience. I am the parent, I do not have to explain the why of every decision to an emotionally immature being who does not understand. I expect my children to obey adults just as I obey those in positions of authority. I don't expect the air hostess to explain why I have to follow instructions to evacuate the aircraft, I am going to do as I'm bloody told.

• does not really have an answer for a situation where there either: there are no natural consequences, or the child does not give a shit about the natural consequences. Sometimes only a punishment will prevent a repeat of intolerable behaviour.

• it fails to recognise that children feel safe when a parent is in charge. Children given constant decisions to make, who feel like they are in control, often rapidly become anxious. They are desperate for parents to take charge.

Yes, it's the most sensible approach imo. These are the basics of gentle parenting, but it gets a bad rap on social media because so many people see the word 'gentle' and assume it means 'permissive'. Then every time they see parents out in the wild being permissive they assume it's an attempt at gentle parenting and it reinforces the negative stereotype.

There are also lots of people who think they're gentle parenting but are actually being permissive. That doesn't mean gentle parenting doesn't work; it just means you have to actual do it for it to be effective.

I am old - kids are teens - I just think 'gentle parenting' is a terrible name. And leads to some really wishy washy 'gentle hands Toby' ineffectual parenting. From what I gather a lot of it is basically what used to be called attachment parenting so assume the child wants to do their best, help them - scaffold them to do it and put your relationship above everything else. Keep that strong and everything else will follow.

I do sort of cringe for many parents of 2 to 7 year olds that I see out and about. Many of them doing loads of absolutely pointless interventions from 'gentle hands' through 'why are you acting like this I've told you before' to absolutely losing their shit and dragging kids home. But I suspect I was just as bad. Parenting small children is hard and we should try and bouy each other up, rather than criticising (like I just did).

I think they might end up expecting people to please them - too much negotiation and explaining everything every single time creates quite self centred teens/adults. Those of us with older children can testify to this. It also creates problems in the classroom.

Or just parenting. 🫣

Hmm I don't agree with pp insisting gentle parenting is all about boundaries really. I have 2 friends who are very committed to gentle parents. Read all the advice about it and are quite intentionally following it. I do think it is basically a very talky form of permissive parenting. Every child is different though so it would be hard to tell unless I knew hundreds of children which approach really worked well for the kids in the long run. I think it seems anecdotally to mean children are less "pleasant" as they seem to do what they like more and aren't held to manners as much etc. But whether they will end up happier adults who aren't people pleasers, that remains to be seen.

From your OP, it looks like you gentle patented yourself. Firm but fair with boundaries is 90 % of gentle parenting..If you also made a commitment to treating your kids respectfully and ensuring they understand why you enforced a specific boundary, congratulations you did the dictionary definition of gentle parenting.

Quite. I’ve been a teacher for over 20 years in several fairly affluent areas. The decline in general behaviour is quite shocking. Children just don’t understand the word no anymore. Basic manners are also in short supply. How difficult is it to teach your kids to say please and thank you?

What are you actually claiming to be inaccurate exactly?

I did all of this too, but to me that's just parenting.

Because it is 🙂 hope this helps.

Absolutely this.
They deny it though, every time.
Expecting emotional level beyond what a child is able to grasp is actually not being kind at all.

We do it, both our children are well behaved and polite, they’re not perfect, and we wouldn’t expect them to be. But this home has always been tantrum, strop and shouting free. We don’t have a need for severe punishment, harsh language, grounding etc as its very unusual for ours to misbehave or being rude etc. They of course still do stupid things on occasion, as thats completely normal despite being irritating.

Yes, in my experience. I've been following gentle parenting strategies with my son for nearly five years and they work well for us.

By gentle parenting I mean the following:

• I don't do punishments. No shouting / hitting / time outs / removal of privileges. There are natural consequences where appropriate, for example if he threw a toy when younger I would remove it, or I would take him out of a situation where his behaviour was unsafe or inappropriate
• We have firm boundaries. If I say no to something and he is angry or upset as a result, he still doesn't get the thing. If I tell him not to do something and he continues to do it I immediately physically intervene to prevent the unwanted behaviour.
• I am respectful of his feelings. He's allowed to be angry / disappointed / sad. He is not allowed to express those feelings in ways which are harmful to himself or others.
• we spend a lot of time when he's calm and happy working on safe and effective methods of emotional regulation so that he has strategies to help him when he's struggling
• I am kind and respectful and empathetic in the way I speak to him
• I have age-appropriate expectations of his behaviour, and I understand what he is and is not likely to be capable of in terms of emotional regulation

He is nearly five now and is a lovely child. He has very good emotional regulation skills, his behaviour is reliably good, he's generally a joy to be around.

I don't know it to be inaccurate, others will claim it is.

Most parents I see who claim to be “gentle parenting” expect their child to have an emotional understanding well beyond their actual age. So is completely ineffective. I’m sure there are others out there who can do it properly!

I would say I’m boarderline gentle parenting but I have also had lots of comments that I’m very strict my children.

I acknowledge their feelings and sometimes it’s hard but give good reasons why something is happening.

But i also have very firm boundaries on behaviour and what’s expected from everyone in the family, adults and children. Emotions are talked about, clear communication on how we are feeling (or if are too young where they feeling things in their body, anxiety is stomach or anger could be shoulders / hands)

If we are in the park and they aren’t listening, the consequence is we don’t go to the park the day after. I will explain it by saying yesterday you weren’t listening to me when i said it’s time to go, this made me feel very frustrated. We can’t go to the park until we have practiced our listening skills today. Potentially we can go to be park tomorrow if you x/y/z.