Is gentle parenting effective

Depends on how it is done, and the personalities of both the parents and children.

I would define us as having gentle parented to date, there have been very few occasions we have had to properly tell off (as against mildly correct) any of our kids, and certainly haven't had to punish bar the odd natural consequence type thing. IE: well, you ate all of that when we had said just one today, that means there aren't any for other days now. Or, I think you've had too much screentime this morning so there won't be any later.

We have mainly talked through issues, explained, reasoned, worked together for solutions. Apologised when we've got things wrong, or over reacted. The latter I used to do a fair bit when my bigger kids were younger, combination of undiagnosed anxiety and ADHD leading to poor emotional regulation.

All kids are different, my youngest needs a former hand than the older 2, but at the same time is far more sensitive...so that's a tricky line to walk!

When I had to man phones in my previous role it wasn't the younger generation that would shout and swear down the phone or threatening to come to my office to physically abuse people. Nor were the 20 and 30YOs in the office punching walls or screaming at colleagues after difficult meetings.

No, we haven't. 🫣

No, they're not, in the healthy sense of the word.
Anything but 3 is probably abusive.
3 isn't just 'gentle' parenting.

I agree with a PP that ‘gentle parenting’ needs a rebranding. Everyone can claim until they’re blue in the face that this & that isn’t gentle parenting, but the reality that I’ve seen is that a lot of people have taken the word ‘gentle’ and ran with it.

I’m in a couple of gentle parenting Facebook groups and some of the things that get posted, and validated by other users, are exactly why it gets a bad rep now. I’ve seen low level stuff like emailing schools to say they need to change their discipline and behaviour policies because they don’t believe in time outs/zones/whatever else. I’ve seen mothers at the end of their tether be told that there’s nothing really they can do about their child repeatedly banging against walls for the fun of it because the natural consequence is just that other people get annoyed & if the child isn’t bothered about that then you’re out of options.

I’ve also seen people be told to never say that your child doing something made you proud/happy or equally sad or frustrated, because that’s making them responsible for your feelings. You should only focus on them and say things like “I see you’ve worked really hard on that, you should be so proud of yourself”. Equally if your child hurts another child or does something to upset them, you can explain what may have been better for them to do but you can’t force an apology nor can you say anything that suggests that they are responsible for the other child’s feelings, because they chose to react that way.

All of the people on these groups also seem to say that their child is highly emotionally sensitive, and feels big feelings very deeply.

I actually haven’t witnessed a lot of this in real life, apart from a few in toddler classes, and none of this is to say that gentle parenting, in its true form isn’t effective, but the label seems to have been taken to extremes in some circles so I can see why some people hear ‘gentle parenting’ and think the worst.

My DC go to an outstanding school. I would say that their teaching method is very similar to genuine gentle parenting, calm classrooms, clear expectations, teachers that can manage their emotions, pupils feel heard and respected.

A child actually raised in a respectful manner while having boundaries in place wouldn't be that disrespectful after being asked to do something so reasonable in the first place though!

I swore at my parents maybe twice as a teenager - because it wasn't the "norm" for me or just seen as not being polite, they recognised that I had something else going on and stressing me out. They told me it was an unacceptable way to talk to them, I already felt bad enough without needing my phone taken away for a week, and they helped me unpick the stuff that had me feeling in a way that made me erupt in anger like that in the first place.

Well that’s the thing. It should be re named to parenting.

I would consider myself a gentle parent. I try to have strict boundaries but I attempt to not shout and I would never hit my child. (I apologise if I do shout... even if I feel they asked for it. That's the bit I struggle the most with).

I guess the thing I hate to watch is my friends who ask their kids to get ready to go 15 times. I think it's better to just take their hand and help them out the door.

Nearly every parent is doing their best and everyone is on a different path I suppose

But children of the seventies have turned into a generation of adults who are famed for their inability to tolerate personal inconvenience.

I am certainly not accusing you personally of this, but there is a reason (speaking in general terms) that boomers are frequently associated with a lack of empathy, poor boundaries, excessive individualism, entitlement and poor tolerance for discomfort and inconvenience.

This is a sweeping generalisation, but no more so than saying 'kids today' are running wild. That's not my experience of schools, certainly.

Oh yes, there were never any disruptive pupils in the 70s nope.

They definitely all sat there meekly and obedient.

That's why they had caning...to hit all those meek and compliant children... 🙄

This must be the most overdone topic on mumsnet lately.

Gentle parenting is firm but fair parenting with boundaries and limits. So yes it is very effective.

Maybe you are thinking of permissive parenting? Which has no limits and boundaries?

Many schools make use of restorative practice - so they do make some time, no doubt imperfectly, for this. Worth a google.

That's exactly what it is, or should be anyway.
I read up on it when I had my son and thought the same. But maybe that's because it's how my parents were. If I'd grown up being shouted at, smacked, constantly grounded without really understand what I'd done wrong, it would seem more "out there".

I was a child of the 70's, so very much under authoritative parenting. My observation would be that at that time, everyone sat at your desk, in silence and listened to the teacher, and got in with their work. Zero interruptions. Happy calm atmosphere.

Now it seems it's a free for all, with children having to be negotiated with, with these behaviour systems, costing time and money.

Things change, including parenting styles, but you have to note that children used to be much better behaved in school because there were higher expectations of behaviour and respect for elders.

Add in the lack of toilet training, because you have to wait for your little ones to "be ready" and I think it has just gone too far the other way. I feel for teachers.

Many would characterise gentle parenting as 'firm but fair'. The boundaries are absolutely there but emotions are not seen as a discipline issue, it's about teaching how to manage those feelings. So for example my DDs have often been called 'good' for not crying or getting upset about things and I don't see it in that way. I don't see any child as bad I see a child who is struggling. Gentle parents wouldn't have a problem with any child for having feelings. They would guide and teach on appropriate ways to deal with those feelings e.g. no hitting, what to do instead. Gentle parenting is essentially authoritative parenting, where boundaries are clear and logical (so not arbitrarily harsh and potentially open to negotiation in some circumstances if thinking about it from the child's perspective although absolutely non negotiable if it affects safety or wellbeing) and there is a warm responsive caregiver who tries to see things from the child's point of view. The research evidence is very clear that authoritative parenting is the most effective way of parenting in terms of children's outcomes.

I think there’s quite a broad gap between hitting five year old children over the head and explaining to Tarquin that Ellie’s hair isn’t going to grow back straight away so he should have done some kind thinking before he cut off her plait.

We have emotions for a reason. Children need to understand that the things they do make people happy, sad, frustrated, shocked, scared and angry. You don’t need to thwack them or yell at them. But telling them firmly to put their shoes on otherwise they’ll be going to school in socks is a valid way of getting the family to school on time.

“What the fuck school have you experienced that has time for this?”

Both of my sons primary schools, all the schools I coached in.

If you have gentle kids then maybe... but my DS has ADHD and can look absolutely feral when he's hyped up. He wouldn't be able to listen to any "calm explaining" and "respectful reasoning" when he's not ready to. So we do have to shout to get his attention sometimes.

It's a difficult balance, because you need to shout to get his attention, but then scale it back to a firm but fair voice so his fight of flight doesn't trigger and send him off into a defensive combative mindset.

However, we don't shout things like "are you thick or something" or "are you a bloody idiot!" Etc... you get the idea. The shouting is volume increase but not nastiness/threatening which i think was a part of 80s and 90s parenting in many homes, which we are more aware of as a society now.

Oh yes all those 5 year olds with phones 🤣

They definitely do. When's the last time a teacher angrily shouted at a 5 year old, yanked a toy away from them, told them to shut up, smacked them round the head....?
They get the child to comply with out the fear of pain, it anger etc.
They "gentle parent" these kids, by talking to them, setting clear and firm boundaries, building a relationship of respect and trust, acknowledging they have feelings etc.

What the fuck school have you experienced that has time for this? Schools with effective discipline policies will have a host of consequences.

They will not expend time or energy acknowledging the feelings of the selfish kid who ripped up another childs work, or the bully who injured another child, or the child whos disrupted a lesson repeatedly.

They will threaten contacting parents, dish out detentions, take phones away, set extra work/lines, remove privileges like attending year end proms etc

Teachers will speak firmly to older children or even raise their voice etc.

Agreed.

Going back to your OP, the biggest problem with ‘Gentle Parenting’ is that a lot of people who think they are using it don’t actually understand what it is, and a lot who think they know what it is, misinterpret it.

It is basically just parenting.
No abuse, but firm, fair boundaries.

You have to balance your child’s feelings with the needs of society and expectations of the wider world.

That means you validate their feelings but also teach them to be aware of others feelings . Teach them basic manners such as please and thank you, behave nicely in public spaces because it is a shared space and others have feelings too.

Letting children run around in restaurants (for example) isn’t helping them learn about their place in the wider social context. They are just reacting to their desire to run about oblivious to the fact they are annoying several people. As parents we need to teach them that we need to control our behaviour in certain places by not allowing certain behaviour from the start.

Mine are adults now so I parented young children before ‘gentle parenting’ was really a thing. I was fairly strict and had firm boundaries and while they had their moments on the whole they were pretty good children especially in public spaces.

So why did you use the term is a negative way? What's wrong with a child asking the reasons why something is happening??

For example.

You'd want an explanation as to why there's 3 men in your garden with spades and they says "give me the bucket you're holding". The bucket you're just about to fill with water to wash the car.
You'd ask questions immediately and expect answers.
And when the men say "because we've found gold! Hooray let's all share".

A child asks, they're immediately shot down and told "do what I said/ because I said so".
And when they get upset, because they're confused and don't understand they're then are punished and told to be quiet and the bucket is removed from them.

I did, children now adults, and it’s a 100% worked for us. We have confident, caring, empathetic young adults that care about themselves and others. They have chosen amazing, authentic lives for themselves. Most importantly no mental health problems, they talk things through.

Best decision I have ever made to be perfectly honest. We have a very relaxed, honest and respectful home.