Is gentle parenting effective

@Hoooray Of course some dc can self regulate well and respond to gentle parenting. Often very mature, intelligent empathetic ones. I most certainly don’t believe in shouting at dc but sometimes it is necessary to punish in a way they understand, but as a final straw. If dc throw tits, they lose the toy. I would not keep having chats about their feelings that led to the toy being thrown.

Chats validating their emotions goes over the head of some dc who cannot describe their emotions. Maybe pps have not met this type of child but there’s quite a few around whose language is very limited and it’s absolutely not true to think that (for example) dc permanently excluded from primary school are dc who are shouted at and punished. That’s total rot.

I have ADHD and I'm pretty sure my son does too. Gentle parenting still works for him.

Self regulating isn't something any small children can do. Children learn to regulate their emotions over time through co-regulation with an emotionally safe and reliable caregiver. When my son has a big, overblown reaction to something, he doesn't learn to self-regulate by me shouting at him or telling him he's being ridiculous. He learns over time by me consistently responding calmly and empathetically, validating his feelings, and teaching him alternate ways of expressing them. Children (and adults) with ADHD can be especially sensitive to perceived or real criticism as it can trigger rejection sensitive dysphoria, so it's especially important for these kids that they aren't dismissed or punished when they're having a hard time regulating their emotions.

Don't understand your point about running around either. That's something all children need, and they should be given ample opportunity to do so. Children who are running around in situations where it's not appropriate to do so shouldn't be punished. They should be stopped from running there and then in a kind, firm manner and then given plenty of alternate opportunities to run around safely.

Of course there are some children with SEND needs, I was disputing a PP who claimed gentle parented children are brats/rude/difficult, whereas I find exactly the opposite. The "naughty" children are far more often the ones that get shouted at in the playground OR are just left to do whatever they want and anybody who challenges that gets shouted at instead.

The children you describe wouldn't be more able to do those things with other parenting methods either? I'd still argue that they do better with (true) gentle parenting than punishments etc, it just needs to be leveled right for them, the same as it does across different ages/stages for anyone else.
Anecdotally those SEN children that struggle the most are the ones who do in fact get shouted at and punished- for the behaviours they can't help! So yes, maybe the gentle parents do produce gentler children (part of the point, isn't it?), I don't think those children would stay gentle had they been swapped at birth!

I don’t believe all dc are capable of self regulation. If they were there would be no special schools for behavioural issues. It’s also not true to assert their issues are down to non gentle parenting.

No: I don’t believe all dc are going to respond to clear boundaries because they don’t all have that level of cognitive ability. Eg at 2 or 3, are they really settled behaviourly? Something must have told you they had Sen? It wasn’t perfect behaviour I would imagine. You have gone on to parent a child as I would, (did!) except we didn’t have a label for it. All dc benefit from clear boundaries but many dc cannot express their feelings and many have speech delay. I’ve seen the occasional child with little empathy for others, and no amount of gentle guiding and empathy makes much difference for more than 5 minutes. Maybe you haven’t encountered this type of child?

What do you suggest would work better? I find calm, clear boundaries work well with my DC with Autism and ADHD.

@Simonjt So he’s self regulating then! How does he sit down at school for lessons? He’s obviously not typical. He cannot have very obvious Sen if he’s so disciplined.

Our son has ADHD, attachment disorder, is behind emotionally, currently being investigated for FASD, he is also very active and if he got his own way wouldn’t spend a second sat down! We’ve used gentle parenting from day one, its very rare we have to punish as he very rarely misbehaves, at school he behaves really well and he does if he goes to friends houses for playdates etc.

@AuntMarch These are dc who would have self regulated anyway. They would be the less active ones and probably intelligent. Does it work with the ADHD dc? Or the super active dc who need to run around a lot? Probably not. Some dc don’t have empathy and don’t have the cognitive ability to respond positively to gentle parenting. Mostly the gentle parents have produced gentle children. Not surprising really as dc carry the genes of the parents! Nature vs nurture etc….

I've been across early years and ks1 for coming up 20 years and I disagree. The parents that come across as actual gentle parenting types are the parents of the kinder and more empathetic children in the class.
There just isn't poor behaviour to punish, unless you count a bit of talking on the carpet (and they only need to be reminded once that it's time to settle down). If they make a mistake, they're upset about it, but not throwing a wobbly. They don't need to be punished because they're already sorry and it wasn't intentional.

The trouble is that you know what it is, how it works and clearly are doing it right.

The majority of parents I see do not set boundaries, if they do they immediately flex them to avoid confrontation and seem to.explain every decision as "you are hurting mummies feelings when you do that". A 3 doesn't understand that mummy has feelings. They understand your approach because you have given them a firm outcome of that behaviour.

What discussion? "Stop that right now. The dog doesn't understand you're only pretending and it might hurt you." while picking your child up and removing them from harm's way isn't a discussion. I don't think you understand gentle parenting/parenting/whatever you want to call it. Not everything is a negotiation. Boundaries are fixed, firm and fair. But just staying "Stop" doesn't help the child keep themselves safe/avoid breaking something/whatever next time. And yes, you might have to repeat it a few times on a few occasions. That doesn't mean the parenting isn't working. It means the not-mini-adult is taking time to learn.

But they will learn more from being given age-appropriate information in the moment, than you picking up the conversation later when the child has moved on.

I don’t understand the banging on the wall part of your post, but what’s actually wrong with the feelings part? If you don’t want to do it with your own child, then of course that’s fine. It’s not something I personally do or put that much thought into, but it does make sense so if others are doing it with their kids, what’s actually wrong with that?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I see fairly detailed explanations as to why a dc should not do something and parents expecting a level of empathy the dc is not mature enough to deliver or understand. It’s like an adult talking to another adult. It sounds way to complex and using words dc don’t understand. Asking about feelings is often too much as well. Dc cannot articulate them. Being clear about not doing something is fine. Muddling it with feelings is a step too far for many dc until they are much more mature and understand language enough to express themselves. Teenagers often need such empathy but 2 year olds? Too young.

Please can you give examples of what you've seen said or done and ages kf kids?

Yes. I think op means 'permissive parenting'

Gentle parenting is about how kind and emotionally validating you are WHILE setting boundaries ie part of authoritative parenting

Worked beautifully for us. I have three well rounded, respectful kids who I get so many compliments about. They have boundaries, manners and feel respected so they give respect in return.

I think it's the underlying principles about what motivates the hitting and how to work with them so they feel better in the longer term that I found most helpful so if the script won't work yet maybe this article would also be useful https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/parenting-siblings-why-kids-hit-younger-siblings-and-how-to-help-them-stop

Three is a really hard age @Moriquendi . Four is a lot nicer! We still have moments but they are moments, for the most part I can talk to DS and we can understand one another (though not always agree!)

Thanks for this, have just read it. My son is 3 like Henry but much more emotionally immature, he could never reason it all out like that. All he ever says as to why he hits her is “I don’t know.” And I don’t think he remembers a time when she wasn’t here, he was only 21 months when she was born and that was a year and a half ago now! Perhaps this method would work with an older child?

My son does want immediate reassurance from me, in the form of cuddles. But I find it very hard to give it in that moment. Perhaps instead of putting him in his room, I’ll try me and the baby going away to my room to give myself 30 seconds to calm down.

I try all the kind hands, people are not for pushing, ask me for help instead of hitting, he can recite it back to me word perfect. But nothing changes 😞

I think one of the problems is that if you have more than one child you just can’t spend the time explaining and discussing when the baby is screaming and the toddler is emptying the china cupboard. Sometimes it’s a quick no for everyone’s safety and often children can’t remember if you talk about it later.

I haven't had any nursery worker or teacher "have a word" at the gates or call me about his behaviour or anything along those lines since he was just turned 2 years old. He's 5.5 now.

I think something that isn't talked about when discussing this is how the parents who only pick the "fluffy" bits were parented themselves. You see it all the time on here - "my parents always shouted/hit/put me down and I still struggle with it.... I gravitated towards "gentle parenting" because I want to break the cycle"

They have the best intentions, but they've never been taught/shown how to do boundaries or consequences without the shouting/hitting/talking to like crap. So they flounder and it veers into letting the kids run rings around them whilst desperately reciting "kind hands" or "I can see you're angry, what can we do about that?" Then they eventually lose their shite, feel awfully guilty and the cycle goes on, just in a different way.

My parents used most of the gentle parenting bits like respect, understanding, clear expectations, consequences without hitting and screaming and I'm 37. I parent my son the same way, but I had a good foundation of good, loving parents and no massive issues to work through to start with.

@Foostit

I wanted to let you know how impressed I was with X’s recent homework in History. It was so precise historically, believable but also empathetic that I read it out to the whole class. X has clearly demonstrated a great capacity to not only absorb what we have been learning but also apply this in her words. Outstanding!

X has been an extremely supportive and kind friend to this student and I know how grateful they are to have her.

Just two excerpts from emails from DD’s teacher. Soooo feral! 🙄

I've found Laura Markham's work really helpful on resolving sibling conflicts: https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/child-hits-baby

Don’t agree with your views of 80’s parenting.
Everything is different these days so you can’t judge. I think we’re questioning ourselves enough about how we parented,
it’s different times however we didn’t shout or hit out kids either.
It’s like comments about mealtimes and food the variety is very different these days.
We had strict rules with TV and video games it’s not the same these days.
There are also more autistic children and we have a better understanding of anxieties in children so I don’t judge parents these days but I don’t look back and think we got it wrong.
We have three adult children who are now parents and all parent different.
None of them are getting it wrong.

You won’t go far wrong op. Be unconditional in your love for them. They will come up against enough adversity and nasty people in their young lives, giving them a foundation of love, acceptance and boundaries is the best possible start.