Who’s right here ? DH or me, play date after party, spontaneous decision.

I suspect that what he really wants has nothing to do with TOO much fun or playdates or the little girl's mother or any other excuse he makes up. It has to do with you and your daughter being available for his schedule whenever he feels like moving. It doesn't matter whether he thoughtlessly keeps you waiting or whether you're busy with something else. "I'm ready when i wanted to be.... be here pronto, now."

I had one of these guys (although it's not limited to just guys), and sometimes took great pleasure in f-g up his day. He eventually learned that I and our kids were not there to accommodate his schedule alone. Here's hoping that your guy is bright enough to learn the world does not revolve around him.

YNBU Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Can't get ready of time? Put a limit on your daughter's fun? Does he have some sort of medical diagnosis?

But why? Not exactly hard, is it?

Your husband not putting your daughter first, not wanting her to have a fun day is frankly pathetic.

That's a very extreme example, and while painful, most cancelled play dates don't turn out that way.

He is wildly unreasonable. Play dates are really important to kids. Parents massively underestimate how important they are.

To give an extreme example, once many years ago, dd was meant to have a play date with a friend. Now exh (then h) huffed and puffed about it, “you can’t have play dates, you don’t have time, you have housework to do” (I also worked full time btw- he was just obsessed with making my life all about housework).

I cancelled the play date as it was starting to rain and I couldn’t invite the child and her parent to my house with exh crashing around abusively.

Before we could rearrange the play date, the other child died suddenly of meningitis. We never got to see her again. Now this is extreme but do not let an abusive, moody man stop you from seizing the day.

Lone voice but I’m with your dh. He’s been with your LO in the morning , and now another child just popping by. And then going out for the day. I too would be annoyed. She was just at a party too?

Eh? It's a discussion forum. You don't get to tell others what they can discuss.

So why bring it up? (although par for the course on here)

He’s awful.

I can kind of see everyone’s point here. I am probably ND (in the process of getting my daughter assessed and half the time I feel like i am talking about myself!) so I get that changing plans and chaos is really hard. I need some down time on the weekend and I struggle with flexibility.

But… I’ve mostly had to ignore that since having kids. My struggles are a me problem, and I need to find ways around it for my children. My son in particular is super social so he is constantly running out to play with a neighbour or showing up here with a couple extra kids. My kids are 12/8 now so I’ve had years to try different things and what I mostly found is that I need to circle some time where there definitely won’t be random people around. So I set up a playdate for my son so I have a quiet afternoon or I go out on my own or I get into pjs at 7pm one night… whatever.

I think he needs to work out a reasonable compromise and then you can respect it. It might be genuinely be a lot for him to host a playdate (appreciate you were hosting but it still impacts him) and then go see a relative. Even though that sounds totally reasonable to most people it might not be for him. So before thinking he’s lazy or inflexible or inhospitable or whatever just ask him what things are really hard and for ideas of how to help navigate this. Because yes - there are years of this ahead!

Well first of all presumably the party was pre-agreed by both parents, that one would attend and the other would not. That's different to one adult making plans that infringe upon the rest of the day without consulting the other, which is what happened here. And I'm not saying, which I think is fairly obvious from my previous post, that the mum or daughter shouldn't get a say. Just that their say should be of equal value to the other adult in the house. In this scenario, the DH's input wasn't valued at all.
For what it's worth, I don't really think this is a big deal..it would be nice if the DH was flexible enough to roll with it without making it a big deal, but if he isn't then I think it's fair enough the OP recognises that it also would have been nice if she'd had a discussion with her DH before making plans that impact them both.

He could have just taken your youngest and gone visiting himself if going earlier was that important to him.
With 2 children different ages / different needs we would often do things one on one, especially as they got older rather than doing everything as a family group.

My apologies then.
He really is being a twat!

Sounds to me like you need a big conversation around expectations for how your daughters needs will be met and also how you can both be happy with spontaneous plans, it’s absolutely ok to have different feelings about last minute changes to plans but you both need to figure out the best communication around it so nobody feels they aren’t being heard.
Also worth keeping an eye as to whether he has signs of being ND or depressed, that’s a whole other discussion.
essentially I think some healthy communication needs to be had here rather than anyone winning at being right, nobody will win on that in the end, especially your daughter caught in the middle

As the saying goes, just like all NT people aren't the same, neither are all ND people. 😬

Yep, I already 'just said' that. 🫣

This. Absolutely this.

this is what I meant upthread when I said it didn’t matter if he is ND or not. I didn’t say that without an understand or compassion of why he is acting this way, his brain is clearly wired to need down time, whether he is ND or not.

I meant it from a place of -

other people exist.

they exist too with their own set of needs and wants. His wife and dds needs are that they want to be able to act spontaneously and have fun and friends over to play. Those aren’t unreasonable needs.

your families wants and needs will increasingly be in conflict, and shouldn’t revolve around just one person.

if he needs peace and quiet, then you work out how much disposable time you have as a family, half it so you each get some, and if he chooses to spend his time locked in his room with headphones on then so be it. But he absolutely does not get to grump around, moan about everything, and opt out of parenting.

Here we go…

Yeah but the man must always be in the wrong on here

Hmm, I hate last minute unplanned changes, this would have annoyed me. I also could never have a spontaneous playdatrle like that with another child, especially if we had afternoon plans.
Howrver, I don't think youbare wrong either, my sister would do this, she would invite the whole party back to hers, it wouldnt bother her.
So I think neither of you is wtong, you just have different tolerance for change and children in the house.

I am autistic and I don’t like when plans change at all, that doesn’t mean OP’s husband isn’t completely in the wrong.

If my husband was OP in this situation I’d tell him how lovely it was that DC was having a play date and that it didn’t matter that it pushed our plans back, even if inside I was stressing out, because as a parent your children come before your wants and needs.

He needs to have a very serious word with himself, I would seriously consider if I wanted to continue to live with and co parent with someone who prioritises themselves over the family. ND isn’t an excuse to be a shitty person and especially not a shitty parent.

"I think he’s also annoyed with this particular mum, because we have had two play dates at our house so far ( where the mum also came ) and she’s not invited us to come to her house. So that annoyed him as well."

He needs to start thinking more long term if he wants to be part of a community. I didn't do playdates very often when my child was younger but I was doing an awful lot of other things, being the football coach, running the choir at school, working for the PTA, plus we did a big inclusive birthday most years. I did masses that other people don't do and if I thought on such a narrow minded tit for tat basis everyone would have lost out. He sounds very selfish.

I'm going to don my hard-hat and go against the grain here.

I have 2 Autistic DC and, although I haven't pursued a formal diagnosis, the general consensus seems to be they get it from me!
If DH and I had a rough plan for the day (birthday party, followed by visiting a family member) and he came home with a random child unexpectedly, I am willing to admit I would find that tricky. I wouldn't kick off or be rude to anyone about it, but it would throw me a bit. I don't mind the DC having play dates (I wouldn't say I enjoy them exactly, but I totally accept its part of parenting and I want them to have a nice time so I am happy to do it) but I much prefer them to be planned in advance.

I know that some people like to be spontaneous, and go with the flow, so it's hard for them to understand. But I find people turning up unannounced, or changing plans last minute really anxiety provoking. Its not that I'm anti-fun, I just need different things in order to have fun and spontaneity doesn't = fun for me like it seems to for a lot of people. Fortunately, my DH understands this and is sensitive to the fact that I don't find last minute changes of plan easy. Just like I try to be considerate of his needs and preferences. It's something that can easily be managed with a bit of mutual consideration, compromise and thought.

I don't think I'm a "moron", or a "dick" or "abusive" or any of the things OP's DH has been called on this thread. I am someone who finds it difficult when plans change at the last minute, or when I don't know what's going to happen. Maybe OP's DH is just a dick, I don't know, just offering another perspective.

He sounds like a drain on life. I couldn't be done with his attitude. I wouldn't inflict it on my kids. Maybe he needs to go & live with his solely minded parents.

what you did was fine, don't let him change you!