Best friend has ghosted me

So she shouldn’t mention her first anniversary for fear of upsetting the friend who can’t be bothered to reply to her message? That’s just ridiculous.

When people don't respond to messages and give excuses like being busy they are telling you that they're just not interested anymore.

Yes it hurts but what can you do. Just draw a line and move on. Go to playgroups, meet other parents at the same stage as you are.

Don't contact her again op, just let it go sad though it is.

OP, it definitely can happen the different stages thing.
However, the ignoring your voice note is unkind and I certainly wouldn't be contacting her again.

Get yourself out there to groups with your baby and meet other new mums.

I have made tremendous friends from groups 25 years ago.
None of our children were friends, but our friendships have flourished and endured.

OP I completely understand how you feel. Some people will tell you to get over it, you’re overthinking it and to move on - but when you’ve had someone in your life for so long it can feel like heartbreak when you drift apart.

Someone you once spent every day messaging, talking about important events, having them by your side on your wedding day… can become a complete stranger. Someone you couldn’t imagine living without - you’re now living without.

It is really sad but true, friendships change and people drift. She hasn’t done anything wrong, you haven’t done anything wrong. You were a priority, now no longer. It stings and it’s something I’m trying to work through myself.

I do think getting married, moving away and having kids are huge reasons for friendship changes as people go on different life paths.

You have reached out and voicenoted. The ball is in her court. No response is usually a response though.

I have decided to put my time and effort into making other friends rather than dwell on the best friend I’ve lost. In time maybe you will become close again, maybe you won’t. But get out there - make a new friend and remind yourself you had great times together xx

THIS. Its hardly wanting "all the benefits of an old relationship" simply because she would like a reply from her friend.

Good grief - WTF is wrong with some people? OP has clearly said she's been there for this friend multiple times, its not asking a lot to expect a fcking reply.

OP- you deserve a fcking reply. All of us do. Its the most basic level of respect a person can give you.

It sounds as though you want all the benefits of your old relationship with her but for it to fit around your new expanding life without acknowledging that things had fundamentally changed.

Wait what.. erm the benefits of the old relationship is the same benefits that exist generally in all relationships or friendships. You'd expect someone to reply to you and speak to you. 🤦‍♀️

I would reply to the group chat by saying you would love to go but already have plans in place for your anniversary.

Though nicely intended, I'd fear that reply would underline the gulf between them and could be the nail in the coffin. It'd make clear that OP is in marriage priority mode and the friend forgot the anniversary, that they're both at different stages and neither is the other's priority. Which is fine if they're both chill about that, but OP isn't and friend knows that from her voicemails. Friend is rightly or wrongly keeping it light - not ghosting but inviting OP along to something rather than planning it around her. That's not the friendship OP wants and is upset by it. There's not really any getting around the mismatch, but it depends how much OP can accept that and roll with it, or if she'd rather let it go completely. If the latter, then I think mentioning the anniversary in the reply is one way to go. If not, then it probably won't help to mention it and better to just say that date doesn't work and maybe suggest others for a future get-together.

OP not responding is telling you. You just might not want to hear it.

You're clearly very different people now. The mum bubble is very hard for anyone to understand so obviously you're going through a lot.
People move on and she has done it in a cruel way. Sorry. Try and build a bigger network and that way you're not so reliant on one person.

Do you talk about anything other than your baby? Lots of women don’t realise how boring they are after a child. I’m sure the state of your baby’s nappies and how they can now wave etc is all you want to talk about but it is excruciatingly boring to listen to

What strikes me is how aggrieved you sound, OP, and how strongly you feel she’s the one doing something wrong, especially in seeing other friends when you feel she should be prioritising you, and in not having been consulted on the date for getting together with the other friends. I’m not sure that’s someone many people want to be around, even if the hurt is genuine, as it clearly is.

It’s a tough one. Same happened to me but it was friend who got married. I don’t see her at all anymore and it makes me very sad. We had a great friendship for twenty years but she changed when she met this new bloke. Some of his behaviour was questionable and she knew I was worried about how it would pan out for her long term. At the end of the day, she chose him over me.

I would say that you need to loosen the grip and be prepared to let the relationship go. It sounds like it might have run its course. I would reply to the group chat by saying you would love to go but already have plans in place for your anniversary. Hopefully you can catch up another day.

If someone wants to do something they will. You don’t need to coax or persuade them. Step back and see what happens. If she wants to stay friends she will make the effort.

This sucks. I had a similar thing happen.

Its like society decides once you are a parent, you are just that and no longer need friends.

Or if they don’t want children they don’t come near. In time your children become your friends.

I went from little miss popular to my children becoming my mini besties.

I’ve been all the people. I’ve been the friend who didn’t have children but was expected to be more interested/committed/etc in other people’s decisions to have children. I just wasn’t and was aware of the unspoken presence of The Kids in meet-ups.

I’ve then been the person who had miscarriages later on, and found it very painful to be around other people with babies.

I was the person who had small DC, and had diminished contact with old close friends.

I do not expect my friends to relate to me in the way they used to. Even if I don’t talk about my kids with them, I am aware they know I have them and that they are important to me and so feel obligated to ask. Depending on where they are in life, this can be a boring chore or very painful. Either way it impacts on how they feel about spending time with me. I don’t have friends who just adore children because they’re children.

But I do keep in touch - never mention my kids beyond ‘kids are fine’ because our friendship didn’t ever involve kids - and as my children get older I am seeing them more again and it feels normal and natural. I talk about stuff we used to talk about - my cats 😂, shared friends, memories, latest crafting project. But rarely the children - this doesn’t feel like an omission at all to me because I’m not as all consumingly obsessed with them as they grow and become more independent.

This is one of those circumstances where comparing it to what men would do doesn't feel that relevant. Sweeping generalisation ofc and sure there are exceptions, but from my experience of all the generations of men in my life, male friendships just aren't comparable to women's. My DH, who's about as far from a man's man as can be, will happily not see his 'best' friends' for months or even years and then they can all get together to do gaming or somesuch for a weekend like no time has past and never even discuss what's going on in their lives. That's perhaps an extreme example but it's not far-fetched to say that men's friendships are generally more straightforward and often operate around 'the third thing' (i.e. doing something together, essentially they both look at something else and talk about that whereas women look at each other and talk to each other more), so course it's harder to imagine them getting the hump about the evolution of friendships. Female friendships tend to be more complex from the off (all those dramas at school around who's friends with who) and can continue in that way, also being more affected by life choices like becoming a mum in ways that the men's can be less affected same as their careers are often less affected. I don't disagree with the point that it's still possible to maintain friendships as life changes, but this is one where the MN standard m/f reversal isn't so applicable.

Your lives have fundamentally gone along different paths

She should have had the decency and respect to talk to you but she's chickened out and tried the slow distancing

You have nothing really in common any more and she wants to move on/away
(happened to me too and she was also my kid's godmother)

I'm sorry

Hurtful op yes. I would make other friends. I lost a 24yr friend. It was a lesson have a few friends. I think you at different life stages too. Had that too voice notes ignored. Not nice. Sometimes friendships fizzle out

Exactly! Its fine to end friendships if you feel they arent meeting your needs or if the person isnt treating you very well and it becomes one sided or whatever, but to end them solely because that person has got married/had a child/bought a house etc is frankly, extremely weird to me.

I find it very odd that people would be so rigid in limiting their friendships to people who must be in the exact same life circumstances as them and practically, how would that even be possible?- how can you possibly coordinate every milestone in your life with those of your friends?- you'd be dropping people left right and centre 😜

Oh pack it in. This kind of thing really annoys me, how people always jump to jealousy.

Some women genuinely don’t want those things. I have never wanted children and frequently think thank god I didn’t have them, especially knowing some friends with children.

I’ve ghosted/told a good friend previously that I no longer want to be in touch. One was a friend from uni, we were close throughout our post grad and when I lived near her but once we moved, we drifted. She got married, had dc, I didn’t. She wanted lots of phone contact during covid but only wanted to talk about ‘the one that got away’, a mutual friend, which made me uncomfortable given she’d been married a fair while at this stage, 2 lovely dd, plus it was her sole topic of conversation.

I think (obviously, having done it myself!) that it’s ok to terminate a friendship. Don’t we usually agree that if our dc no longer want to be friends/change friendships, it’s ok?

I kind of feel the same and I think it is very common. I have two long standing friends from age 7 and 13. We don't see much of each other anymore and I feel we've drifted apart, have different political opinions and really don't have much in common. We meet once or twice a year and text sporadically. People are very different from teenagers to having children and careers at different life stages. I don't feel I can cut people out it would feel like a break up after so many years but do feel we aren't the same people closeness and never will be. So you either cut off or accept it's just going to be a meet up every now and then. As you age and children grow up it may come back around again.