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Original poster

To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

138 replies

Brighdaytime · 14/06/2025 22:03

I am a single parent to two children DS 8 and DD 7. My son is a very unempathetic child and I do not know how to bridge that gap or why it is happening? He is a lovely boy until he thinks that he has been wronged in some way.

for example, we’re away this weekend and we were going to go to the park, so I mentioned if to my children but decided to stay at the disco for longer. When on the way home I mentioned that we were going to go straight home he was infuriated, told me that I was a liar and not kind to him and had lied to him and had the biggest meltdown. We got home and I then told him to put his pyjamas on and he cried for a few minutes before I went in and discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel and also explained the consequences of his actions (having to go to bed straight away). He then cried for a good 10 minutes before I went back in to discuss why he was crying and it was because he felt sad because I had been mean to him and he didn’t understand why I had done so!

he also does not think about doing nice things for people, feels very personally attacked at the consequences of his actions being called out etc, etc

OP posts:
Pinty · 14/06/2025 22:19

I agree with others I don't understand what he has done that is so bad. He hasn't demonstrated a lack of empathy in your example at all.
He was just behaving like a child who was upset because plans changed.You said you were going to the park he was looking forward to it and he was upset because you didn't go.
I think it's wrong to tell a child off and punish them for expressing their emotions which is what he was doing.
I also don't think children should be expected to express gratitude if their parents do nice things for them.

GRex · 14/06/2025 22:19

I don't think you are using the correct word OP, empathy means the ability to understand and share feelings of another. Your kid didn't like that you cancelled plans and got upset. You seem to think he should want exactly what you want just because you want it. There isn't a word for that because it isn't really a thing.

You should have let them know when you changed the plan, apologised and arranged an alternate day or treat instead. Try to be kinder to the boy, he's only 8 and you've sent him to bed in tears over nothing.

FloraBotticelli · 14/06/2025 22:16

Agree with others. You need to show your child empathy first by putting yourself in his shoes. When he’s had a mostly consistent experience of you empathising with him for years, he’ll naturally start to show empathy to others as he gets older (with teen hormones etc getting in the way at times!)

Nicebrightday · 14/06/2025 22:14

Agree with the others. You’ve described a child struggling with a change of plan, not one lacking in empathy.

purpleme12 · 14/06/2025 22:12

I don't know if this is just an odd example you've used but that example is really obvious why he's behaving how he is

So the post doesn't make a lot of sense

hepsitemiz · 14/06/2025 22:12

Why take your kids to a disco? That does not sound very family-friendly. For the rest, agree with PPs

Icanttakethisanymore · 14/06/2025 22:12

That’s not lack of empathy… unless you think your DS should have felt empathy for you? If so, I don’t think that’s reasonable.

Cadenza12 · 14/06/2025 22:11

You sprang the change of plan on him, didn't prep him etc. I think that you could have handled this better.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 22:10

He doesn't lack empathy, he expressed commitment and most likely is hyper focused on the plans in his mind.
My DS is always glass half empty, a stickler for the rules, you cannot change plans without consequences or a replacement deal.

Pricelessadvice · 14/06/2025 22:10

You said you were taking him to the park and then you didn’t. That’s a big deal at that age because it’s a trusted parent lying to them.

myplace · 14/06/2025 22:09

Try being a bit more consistent, and try working out what’s going on in his head instead of just telling him he’s wrong.

You are the adult. You do the hard thinking. Don’t expect him to work it out without any help.

myplace · 14/06/2025 22:07

That’s not lack of empathy. That’s a child struggling to deal with a change of plan. He’s not doing it to be mean to you, he just isn’t yet able to move through the necessary stages-
We’re going to the park.
We’re not going to the park
I don’t understand why we didn’t go to the park and I’m really upset.
Mummy’s telling me off for being really upset….

(Here’s the tricky bit…) That’s ok, because she’s my lively mummy and she bought me an icecream and we had a nice day, so I won’t be upset that we aren’t going to the park and I’m being told off for being upset.

Springadorable · 14/06/2025 22:06

To be honest I think it's you who is lacking in empathy. You said you were going to go somewhere he enjoys, he's looking forward to it, and then you decide you're not going and are going straight home and then wonder why he's upset about it. You then try and guilt him into having sympathy by saying you do other unrelated things for him. You then got cross and left him to cry and sent him to bed early, again none of which is really the consequence of his actions - it's your actions. No wonder he's in a bit of a muddle about how to do nice things if they always come with conditions attached.