To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

So you are away from home and probably in a different routine with a busy day. You changed your plans which a tired, overstimulated 8 year old struggled to cope with and then because he got upset he got punished with going to bed early and guilt tripped about everything you do for him. The 8 yo is not the issue here he behaved as many kids this age would

Gently explaining it gets me nowhere and shouting gets me even further away.

OP, when a child (or anyone!) is having a tantrum or is crying and very upset there is absolutely no point in talking to them in that moment. They can’t process it.

They need time to calm down first and you need to relate to them. Only then can you discuss the problem.

Think about it for a sec from his point of view. You made a promise to him that you then not only didn’t honour, but you also then gaslit him into thinking he was the problem for being upset. All of this without ever telling him why you changed the plans.

He’s only 8. It’s not on him to mind read and automatically empathise with every decision you make - it’s up to you to explain them.

Having tantrums and falling someone a liar and then crying for 10 minutes are not normal reactions for not going to the park at eight.

Possibly not, but neither do they indicate a lack of empathy, which is what OP said she was concerned about.

I am so confused by the comments on this thread. He is eight, not four. Sometimes plans change. Having tantrums and falling someone a liar and then crying for 10 minutes are not normal reactions for not going to the park at eight. Telling OP she’s “the problem” is mental.

Perhaps there is too much discussing and chewing over everything.

Do we sometimes forget we are talking to children not adults?

If there is too much discussion the issues get clouded.

For goodness sake, he is a child and he was disappointed in you. Don't list all the nice things you did for him, you're his mother and that's what you're supposed to do. He was disappointed, crying, you are acting like more of a kid than he is and being extremely unempathetic.

Oh Jesus OP. You were really over the top on this one.

You explain you spent more time at the disco than you all had planned but you’ll go to the park in the morning. End of… It sounds like he was overtired.

Instead you go on about all the good things you’ve done for him? Then you go on and on about how he has made you feel? That’s manipulative in my book.

Where you went wrong was not to gather them and say… “right it’s X o’clock we can leave now and head to the park or stay and go to the park on the morning”

You forgot about the park and they pulled you up on it.

I agree with this and was going to say exactly the same.

Assuming they are UK based, it’s broad daylight until near 11 now? We went to the park at 7:30pm after a hobby class last night, stayed until around 8:15pm, then home, story and bed for 9.

discussed all of the nice things I had done for him beach/ice cream/ new toy etc and how his behaviour made me feel

But
You said you would go to park
Then you changed plans
He didn't get to the park
He is 8 and was expecting park
Try be clearer when you change plans next time
Show empathy to him as an 8 year old

My son is a little younger than yours and is the most empathetic child i know but he has called me a liar in the past when I've changed plans suddenly. He likes to know plans and what's going on and gets upset jf they change very suddenly.

In their mind you have lied we said one thing and now doing something else which is a lie. I've just tried to explain the situation explain I understand it's upsetting and apologise and talk it through. Just have a cuddle and a chat and apologise for the change.

Who goes to the park after 7pm?! Could you not have popped in before the disco? Sounds like you need to plan out your time better. Yes let your son know that sometimes plans change but this just seemed very avoidable.

Looking at all your comments, I think your son might be similar to how my son was at 8. It took him a few more years than other kids (eg his sister) to see the bigger picture and other peoples' perspective and therefore would more easily feel that others were treating him unfairly, especially as he would get hyper focused on what he wanted to happen. The good news is that he is now a lovely, kind, young adult. When he was a child though, we needed to explain what would happen and stick to plans more for him than his sister. He and we think he's probably mildly ASD which also meant he was less flexible about plans. I think there are quite a lot of people who have mild ASD traits, particularly boys, who may not merit assessment for diagnosis but who take a bit longer with some of this stuff around perspective and decentering from their own fixed point of view. I found it hard to deal with when my DH was away, so appreciate it must feel difficult as a single parent. My son also didn't often think to do nice things for others, as you mentioned. However, if he became aware of how upset someone was about something i.e. their needs were placed right under his nose, he could be very kind and caring. We found it helped to think of him as emotionally a bit behind other kids, and shift our expectations. And also to reflect on things with him the day after, rather than when he was tired and emotional.

Sounds like a long day, being knackered probably has something to do with the big emotions. It's not unreasonable that he was upset though. It was unreasonable for his mum to make him feel bad for that and then claim he's the one with no empathy. He's 8, it's totally normal that they can seem a bit dramatic about stuff. She's an adult supposedly modelling how to manage those feelings.

Plus you punished him for being upset!

I haven’t read all the comments - just your post and I personally think you are the one lacking empathy for (1) not getting into his shoes / seeing things from his perspective and trying to understand why he is upset, and (2) for not remembering that he is only 8 and his brain is not as developed as yours.
I also think you should have communicated things better in terms of staying longer at the disco means no time for park.
Lastly, you explained all your feelings but doesn’t sound as though you took the time to understand his feelings. Sounds like you described all the nice things you’ve done for him in order to invalidate his feelings (e.g. I’m not mean to you because I’ve actually done this, this and this for you, basically trying to disprove what he’s saying and feeling).

Nailed it.

Agree with everyone that he isn’t lacking in empathy, he is struggling with the change of plan as he was looking forward to the park. He was probably also tired, possibly hungry .
I found that when they were little, one of my dc needed more warning of plans changing than the other. So if plans had to change suddenly I would be apologetic and sympathetic to her being upset, but where possible I would try and give a lot of warning. Eg half an hour before -“If we stay here much longer, dancing, then we will all be tired and it will be a bit late for the park, so we can stay here for another half an hour and go to the park in the morning, or we can leave now and have a shorter trip to the park” .

I thought this was going to be a thread about a kid who was torturing animals or laughing at others’ misfortune. Not a kid who was understandably upset not to be going to the park after he’d been told he would.

This!
your behaviour is pretty toxic tbh.
It’s not all about you.

I totally understand why you felt frustrated. Your DS isn't lacking in empathy though. He doesn't have an adult brain with adult understanding and he wasn't being cruel. He was expressing his emotions in a way that a lot of 8 year olds do. His brain is still developing. It's hard to remember that in the throws of a tantrum. Have a talk with him tomorrow about what happened when emotions have calmed down and make it a learning moment for both of you.

I don’t think you actually understand what empathy means. Being upset when someone promises you something and lets you down, which is what you did to him, doesn’t indicate a lack of empathy. And guilt-tripping an 8-year-old about how upset you are was shitty behaviour on your part.

Honestly, I have no time for the whole ‘gentle parenting’ thing, but you’ve basically just told an 8-year-old kid that your feelings are more important than his. He’s only eight years old, he had a strop and cried. Hardly abnormal behaviour and it certainly doesn’t indicate a lack of empathy.

You sound incredibly hard on him and you appear to favour his little sister. Poor lad.

Exactly the reaction was way overboard and was the reason for the early bedtime all children need to learn you can't just call people names and have zero consequences

“He cried for a good ten minutes before I went back in”.
if you left him crying on his own for ten minutes I think you’re the one with the empathy problem