To be concerned about my 8yo’s complete lack of empathy?

You asked how to deal with it. The best thing you can do is acknowledge his feelings and comfort him if he's crying. You asked him why he was crying and he opened up and told you he felt sad. Acknowledge that emotion and let him know you understand why he is sad. Then go from there.

Okay, so it's you who seems to be lacking in empathy, not your little boy.

Where is the lack of empathy? I didn't see an example of it to be honest.

“We had gone to a kids disco and was planning on leaving at 7 but stayed until 7.45 as we were having such a nice time dancing/playing etc until the kids said that their feet hurt.”

Who is “we”? Are you sure both your children were having an equally good time? Given that you left 45 minutes later than expected, could you not have said, “Well, we’ll only be able to have 15 minutes in the park, but we can come back tomorrow”? If the park had been the bit that your DS had most been looking forward to, I can quite see why he was upset - and it has nothing to do with empathy and everything to do with disappointment. Your DS is only 8 - don’t expect adult behaviour from a kid. And don’t, either, be unreliable as a parent by way of promising something your son wants and then reneging on it.

Kindly, you told your children you were going to the park then cancelled at the last moment. No wonder he was upset. A child doesn't think no worries, I had an ice cream and a toy, that's okay, they see what's in the moment. In this moment, mum promised me something and lied to me.

Explanations are always good with toddlers and small children. We are leaving the park in 15 minutes, then we are leaving the park in 5 minutes. Sows the seed. Let's them know what's coming, then it's not a shock.

did you actually discuss it with your son and daughter? Did you give them the option? Did you ask or did you just assume?

you planned on leaving disco at 7pm (dud they know that, were they told beforehand?) but stayed till 7:45pm because all having such a good time.

but did you actually explain that? say we are having such a good time, We've stayed longer than I expected so we don't have time to go to the park now. or do you want to leave now and we can have a quick five minutes in the park?

I bet you didn't give him the option.
in future do so.

Agree it is op who is lacking in empathy. Also a touch narcissistic trying to to make it about you "praise me, I am the bringer of nice things and I must be recognised"

It’s completely expected that telling a young child you’re going to go to the park and then taking that away with no warning to do something you want to do is probably going to cause a negative reaction.

He shouldn’t have to feel grateful or feel empathy for you. You’re the parent. He’s a child. You changed the plans for something he was looking forward to, then blamed him for being upset. Poor boy.

I read your follow up and think you’re being unfair to your child. You were the only one who knew the impact of staying later at the disco, they probably didn’t even know the time. So it would have been a total surprise.

parenting unfortunately isn’t a maths problem - add one toy and two sweets and you’re guaranteed an easy evening. You had a chaotic event, changed the plans, brought two tired children home after a long and exhausting day… it was bound to be a rough evening. My kids would both have struggled with this.

Children can’t be empathetic about the sorts of challenges you’re experiencing as they don’t have that kind of responsibility. You’d hope he’d give you a hug if you cut yourself or help a younger child or any number of other things but there’s no chance he’s going to offset a bad moment with a good one hours before. Children live in the moment

Please explain how a disco is not family friendly.

YABU - you’re away anyway, it wouldn’t have hurt to have a quick 10 minutes at the park at 7:45 instead of 7.

Of course he’d be disappointed when he was looking forward to something that you had said he’d do! Sorry, you’re the one lacking empathy, not your son!

He’s 8. He got upset because he didn't get his own way. It’s not a lack of empathy. Best thing to do is ignore this behaviour. Shouting/gently explaining allows the conversation/reaction to continue. It is OK to say you're not doing something and leave it at that. I used to do that as a child and so did my daughter my mum ignored it (she's a psychiatrist and psychologist), as I ignored it. It can actually be sign of your child becoming a very balanced and empathetic adult. Ignoring the behaviour wont hurt him, it'll help him learn to rationalise emotions himself.

His irritation is blatantly obvious. Your lack of insight is worrying. We all saw it immediately. He's an 8 year old that was promised something that was withdrawn, changed, and then belittled and challenged on their emotions. Explain better in future. Is it possible that he has ASD and you have it aswell?

Evidently, he can't cope with a change like that or follow your adult logic.

You should have explained before hand, eg:

'We could stay here longer, but that means no time for the park today - we could go to the park tomorrow instead.

Or we can leave here now and go to the park.'

For you, the logic was clear, staying longer = no time for park, put park plan aside til tomorrow.

For him though, the expectation was disco then park. Time (particularly when it is still light outside until late) is far less meangful at that age, as he doesn't have to think about all the things you need time for -thats your job.

The crashing disappointment of your expectations not being fulfilled far overrides the nice things like 'I had a nice time at the disco' and 'I had an icecream', many kids of his age would not be able to over-ride the emotion of 'now' with the memory of nicer experiences in the recent past.

Then add in it being the end of a long day and you are effectively turning the volume up to 11 on those emotions.

Im really not seeing evidence of a lack of empathy here from him to you - but that is still in development for him and it might be that he struggles to see how others may perceive things differently to him, or you may simply be expecting way too much!

Whilst technically, kids start to develop a sense of empathy from around 3 on, a lot of it is mimicking adult responses, and performing expected/taught behaviours (saying sorry, giving someone a hug if they hurt themselves) rather than a true understanding and ability to imagine what someone else feels. Full, adult levels of empathy aren't there until early to mid teens!!

Sorry but I don't think it's your son lacking empathy here.... Have a look in the mirror. You sound cold, cruel and manipulative.

Sometimes you need to take their anger on the chin and not try to defend yourself or feel aggrieved because they are angry - he’s a child, not an adult.

My son melts down like this occasionally, he gets so disappointed or upset if he expects something to happen and it doesn’t. It’s normal for them to feel that way at this age, so much is out of their control.

The only thing you need to do is tell him that you understand why he’s upset and that you’re sorry that you forgot about the park and stayed at the disco longer than planned. If he keeps crying, it’s fine, he’ll let it out and then get over it, you don’t need to make him stop by guilting him, and for gods sake don’t shout while he’s crying about something 🥺
I get the feeling that you felt attacked when he did this - remember that you are one of the only people he can rage at without fear of rejection, I know it feels pretty crappy when it happens but just be there for him, you don’t need to defend yourself.

This. If anything it was you with the lack of empathy. You didn't acknowledge his disappointment and then kind of darvo'd him.

It is well known that children who are not taught to understand and label their emotions or who don't feel validated, struggle sometimes psychologically in later life. I really hope this is just a one off.

This. He's an overtired kid disappointed (not the end of the world) but avoidable.

Tomorrow is an opportunity to just "make doos with the park" and then crack on.

I hope you and your family enjoy your hols.

Lol it's the child's fault yet clearly the parent so take responsibility

OP, he’s just an overtired child on holiday who was disappointed when plans changed and threw a tantrum. Nothing to do with ‘empathy’.

"Gently explaining it gets me nowhere and shouting gets me even further away."

How about empathising instead? He can't help feeling sad / upset / frustrated about the change of plans. Children often find it helpful to feel listened to.

"I know love, you're disappointed about not going to the park. You were looking forward to it. It is hard when plans change, sometimes. I like going to the park too. Let's have a cuddle."

Then cuddle and bed and we're looking forward to the park tomorrow.

Look we’ve all been there where we have had to change plans or can’t do something we said we’d do or forgotten a promise we made.

Another way to deal with this situation:

In response to him being upset with you, you could have acknowledged his feelings. Then show that you understand how he feels. You could have said I’m sorry we’re not going to the park today. It seems really unfair doesn’t it? I’m sorry you feel like I lied to you, I didn’t mean to, I really just forgot. Then just comfort him or let him be upset and process his feelings. Show him empathy because that’s how he will learn to have empathy himself. And even though you didn’t mean to let him down or you feel it was unavoidable, you still did let him down. Apologies for that. Just because you are the adult and he is the child doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apologise.

From what you’ve written about what he said my impression is that he doesn’t know if he can trust you or believe you when you say you will take them to the park tomorrow. And that’s fair enough because in his experience you said you would take them and then didn’t. So why would it be any different tomorrow? A simple apology of I’m sorry I forgot or I’m sorry that we ran out of time could go a long way to restoring trust.

It needs to be spelt out to them, every time:

Yes, we can stop longer at the disco, but if we do, we can't go to the park. Which is it??

Sound alike he's exhausted and needs to sleep