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Original poster

Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

209 replies

Anonforthisone1 · 14/06/2025 17:48

Genuinely wondering if I am letting my emotions get to me with this. Have spoken briefly to dp about it but am worried I am
going to come across very precious and controlling. I have never really set boundaries before when it comes to birth.

i will be having a high risk csection under general (due to bleeding disorder) in the next few weeks. I am at a much greater risk of having a pph and also needing a transfusion or a hysterectomy so my recovery is up in the air.

i want to make it clear before I go in some boundaries or expectations due to the fact I have no idea what to expect

i would prefer for no pictures to be sent of ds until i am fully awake and have met him. I understand that this could be as little as 1 hour or could be a lot more if I have complications but the thought of everyone seeing him before me makes me really sad.
i dont want any visitors at all in hospital as from past experience i have had people not be considerate after pph etc.
i don’t know when I will be up for visitors so will tell people when I am ready (this could be a few days but it could be weeks) but they have to come to us. I don’t want to be travelling everywhere.

does this sound ok or am I being controlling as I really don’t want to be.

OP posts:
ScottishMum1992 · 14/06/2025 18:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mygrandchildrenrock · 14/06/2025 18:23

Anonforthisone1 · 14/06/2025 17:53

It’s more the fact that I don’t want to be asked straight away about seeing the baby if I am not well. If everything goes fine then I really don’t care.

Show quote history

Thanks for explaining and I hope all goes well for you and your baby!

phoenixrosehere · 14/06/2025 18:22

FloraBotticelli · 14/06/2025 17:57

if they are decent humans it's better to talk to them about things you found helpful and unhelpful last time, then give them a chance, supervised by DH stepping in as needed. And if they aren't decent then why are you having them over at all?

This is true, but for a person to be questioning whether their feelings, needs and wants are okay, they’re likely to have been brought up around people who haven’t respected them i.e. the not so decent humans.

OP, you’ll probably get loads of debate here about whether you’re being reasonable or not. People who have been loved and respected by their families might think you’re being unnecessarily firm or overthinking. People who have had experience of not so decent humans will understand exactly where you’re coming from.

You need to tap into what you feel and what’s right for you, and have the courage to hold firm to what you know is right for your particular situation.

Well said!

Some people have no clue what it’s like coming from a toxic family where your boundaries and voice was repeatedly stomped on or dismissed and if you’re already struggling after birth, it’s another ordeal to have to deal with.

CommissarySushi · 14/06/2025 18:21

ExtraOnions · 14/06/2025 18:13

What does your husband think? Is it a unilateral decison on photos, or does he get a say?

Of course it should be her say. She's the one giving birth. You don't think she should get to see their baby before family members?

Newgirls · 14/06/2025 18:20

You are 100 % ok on this. Your husbands focus should be on you and your baby. He needs to be ready to say - ‘we’ll let you know when xxx is feeling ok and ready for visitors’ and to stick to it.

you might feel great by the way so please don’t worry too much - I had a c section and weirdly felt ok - it was a relief not to be pregnant any more.

Timeforsnacks · 14/06/2025 18:20

All entirely reasonable. Your husband may feel alot of pressure after birth to bend these stipulations so do make it clear you feel very strongly about them and you want to be a team with him

tuffinmops · 14/06/2025 18:19

Totally normal, healthy and reasonable boundaries.

Tweedled · 14/06/2025 18:18

You are absolutely entitled to feel you don’t want anyone else to see your baby before you are able to.
Does your husband disagree with this because I think that is out of order.
I would be telling close family and friends of your boundaries, say you will play it by ear but this is possibly what will be happening and you want people to respect that.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/06/2025 18:18

NotsosunnyShropshire · 14/06/2025 17:58

Totally reasonable. However, having some visitors at the hospital may be easier (to get them to leave) than having them at home. Only if everything goes to plan though.

This is worth considering. Midwives chuck them out for you.

Hadalifeonce · 14/06/2025 18:16

I was actually quite grateful to have DSis and DM visit after my section, as they were more than happy to do some housework, or Laundry, and cook me food.

ExtraOnions · 14/06/2025 18:13

What does your husband think? Is it a unilateral decison on photos, or does he get a say?

Catsandcannedbeans · 14/06/2025 18:11

I think these are reasonable…. To be honest if that was me I’d probably have more but I am a certified grumpy cow x

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 14/06/2025 18:10

BernardButlersBra · 14/06/2025 18:02

Why would he need support?! He's not the one having a big procedure and she won't be out that long?

Show quote history

Because he’s likely to be worried about his wife?

beetr00 · 14/06/2025 18:06

@Anonforthisone1

It would be useful for both you and your husband to have the visiting conversation, pre-section, with both sets of your parents.

Your husband could then be the gateway to field any other requests from anyone else.

Maray1967 · 14/06/2025 18:06

All these points are very reasonable, particularly the first one. I would have been furious if DH had been taking and sending photos of baby before I’d even held him!

Regarding visiting, I’d tell them that you might not be able to have visitors for a few days if you need a lot of medical attention.

Lifelover16 · 14/06/2025 18:05

Sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible to me.

Notreallyme27 · 14/06/2025 18:05

I often think women are being very precious with their post-partum demands but yours are 100% reasonable and sensible. Good luck with your birth! x

BernardButlersBra · 14/06/2025 18:03

All seem very reasonable to me. As others say l often roll my eyes at the requests l see on here but what you have said is all fair enough

BernardButlersBra · 14/06/2025 18:02

ForFunGoose · 14/06/2025 17:58

Is there someone who could be there to support your DH? Someone you would be happy to help with the waiting and the baby.
Your requests are perfectly reasonable but I would also think about DH.

Why would he need support?! He's not the one having a big procedure and she won't be out that long?

NotsosunnyShropshire · 14/06/2025 17:58

Totally reasonable. However, having some visitors at the hospital may be easier (to get them to leave) than having them at home. Only if everything goes to plan though.

ForFunGoose · 14/06/2025 17:58

Is there someone who could be there to support your DH? Someone you would be happy to help with the waiting and the baby.
Your requests are perfectly reasonable but I would also think about DH.

Parker231 · 14/06/2025 17:57

Anonforthisone1 · 14/06/2025 17:53

It’s more the fact that I don’t want to be asked straight away about seeing the baby if I am not well. If everything goes fine then I really don’t care.

Show quote history

Will your DH not be the messenger to share the good news with the anxious grandparents and immediate family? DH was on the phone to his parents and mine as soon as DT’s were born as both families were a plane trip away so would take them some time to get to us to come and visit their grandchildren.

FloraBotticelli · 14/06/2025 17:57

if they are decent humans it's better to talk to them about things you found helpful and unhelpful last time, then give them a chance, supervised by DH stepping in as needed. And if they aren't decent then why are you having them over at all?

This is true, but for a person to be questioning whether their feelings, needs and wants are okay, they’re likely to have been brought up around people who haven’t respected them i.e. the not so decent humans.

OP, you’ll probably get loads of debate here about whether you’re being reasonable or not. People who have been loved and respected by their families might think you’re being unnecessarily firm or overthinking. People who have had experience of not so decent humans will understand exactly where you’re coming from.

You need to tap into what you feel and what’s right for you, and have the courage to hold firm to what you know is right for your particular situation.

ninjahamster · 14/06/2025 17:56

Sounds fine to me x I had GA for two of my sections, I was amazed how quickly I was awake x

Coffeeishot · 14/06/2025 17:56

All of that sounds reasonable and not 1 bit controlling, let people know you want a "few days" to get yourselves sorted then you look forward to seeing everyone. Good luck with everything and look after yourself.

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