Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

Another one who often rolls my eyes at some of these 'boundary' threads. A particular high (low?) point was the maternity leave poster who wanted her husband to egress the house via a living room window on his way to work every morning, to avoid waking her up by using the front door.

This OP sounds perfectly reasonable.

Chances are a picture will be sent within hours of the birth. I just want to meet him
first.

Of course you do, OP. You’re not remotely controlling, you’re advocating for yourself and getting organised.

I hope you partner is on the same page. If there are any particularly bolshy members of the family, talk about them with your partner and ask him to put you first, if there’s a chance he’ll get swayed.

You’re really not controlling though. You’ve got a big thing to go through and it’s risky. It’s scary. And this is really all about you. Good luck, I hope it goes brilliantly.

My DIL had a very bad time in labour pre eclampsia so rushed to theatre. She was out of it for a few days in the hospital and a few weeks at home. She just wanted her mum. We did see her briefly, met the baby. We were shocked how ill she looked. Her mum looked after her all day until my son got home. No-one saw them until she had recovered.

So no husband can fend off any pushy relatives, friends until you're ready.

Of course there should be no pictures till you have met the baby.
I think you need to tell people that as much as this is you having a baby it is also a major medical event and they need to realise that you are recovering from something big. You are, temporarily, as much an invalid as a new mum.

Sounds entirely reasonable, your body, your birth, your baby.
Plans don't need to be set in stone though. You might sail through the delivery and feel fine in a day or so. But I would absolutely insist on no baby photo's until you've fully met your own DC. Would be awful to get a msg saying he/she is gorgeous and just like xyz - and you've only just woke up!

Sounds completely reasonable to me, and it will be easier to relax strictly boundaries (if YOU want to) than impose them after the fact 😉

I think you are totally reasonable and am surprised anyone would think you’re not!!!

Under the circumstances, I think your boundaries are completely sound and very understandable. Because you have so little control over what's going to happen during the birth you feel a completely relatable need to exercise some control over those elements where you do have agency. And if people don't or can't accept that - fuck 'em! I hope that everything goes really well for you OP and that you get to see your baby really soon after he's born.

Don't tell anyone the date?

I'd told my DH I wanted to breastfeed straight after birth so unexpected GA and I wake up to DH trying to latch baby on. It was an unusual but quite sweet way to meet baby. He did his best but wasn't actually doing well at all. At least he tried but I hadn't thought it would end up with me asleep.

I you mean you’d take away help and support because a new mother has dare put her health ahead of your WANT to see a newborn? Even though seeing the newborn straight away won’t make a fuck of difference to how you’d bond with said baby??

Im going to say that if this is your attitude, you’d have done that anyway just because the new mum did not do as you wanted at some point anyway…..

Your boundaries sounds totally normal. Is visiting the hospital even a thing any more? I would go further and lie about the C-section date and say it is a week later. Just to give yourself some breathing space. People have a habit of creeping closer to the due date and booking trips to see you, even when you tell them not to. You can tell them it has happened once you are awake and have met baby. A couple of weeks is fine, or longer if you want! I'm going to fully lie about my due date and not allow MIL to come for 2 or 3 weeks because of how fucking useless she was last time.

None of yur boundaries are an issue @Anonforthisone1

And I think the people who feel it’s weird feel like that because yes it’s unusual to put boundaries like that before hand unless there’s a huge backstory. Why? Because all of that should be normal.
Its normal fur you to want to see your baby or baby’s photo before everyone eise.
It’s normal to not want visitors in hospital if you’ve had surgery and pph.
Its normal to expect people to come to see you and wait until you’re well enough.

None of that should need to be said.

And the fa to you are makes me things some family members haven’t been respectful during the previous birth(s). And tbh I think it’s shit.
Mother and mother’s health should always come first after birth. Not the family/grand parents ‘but I want to see the baby!’ As if it was their rights, way above your right to heal.

I thought you were going to come up with weird rules with your post title! Actually you are being very reasonable due to your complications. Good luck.

Not unreasonable in the slightest considering what you may be going through.

There’s nothing wrong with setting reasonable boundaries beforehand and if you feel like things are different after the birth you can change them.

We set boundaries when we had our first and will be doing the same ones with our second. Just general ones like no kissing on face, we wanted a few days just to ourselves before all the visits etc. as much as we wanted everyone to come see our newborn we both have big families and just wanted a little bit of time by ourselves before everyone came.

There’s always going to be those that think it’s stupid as they want people round the second they give birth but I’m glad we made the decision we did and stuck to it. At the end of the day it’s your choice. Do what you think you feel comfortable with and sod anyone that thinks differently. It’s your baby, your choice and as I said before if you feel differently afterwards you can always change your mind ☺️

Anyone that gets pissy about a woman prioritising her and her baby's physical and mental safety ahead of major surgery is a bit of a knobber, and wasn't going to actually give any help.

I think your boundaries are completely fine. If you feel that some people may overstep those boundaries then you need to have your Dh in your corner or any other trusted friend or family member. I still hold some resentment as to how I was treated after giving birth nearly 20 years ago. Dh was fab but shouldn't have had to deal with it.

You don't have to tell people the precise date you are having the section you can always say you attended a midwife appointment and they decided you needed to come in to hospital. You could always have it and give yourselves the day to enjoy your baby before posting anything. You don't need to update the world immediately after your baby is born.

My friend's Mother was waiting for her at the entrance to the hospital for her planned section. They had told her that they would ring her when the baby was born. She also managed to tell everyone that she was worried about her daughter and staff kept passing those messages on to my friend even before she had a c section. It was stressing her out. Her Mum wasn't worried, she was trying to get onto the ward. My friend's husband went out to tell her the baby had been born, both Mother and baby were fine, details of weight etc but visiting was hours away and she could go back home. She lived 10 minutes away and had been there for hours. She didn't leave and again pestered staff. For baby number 2 they didn't tell her that it was another c section, told it was a vbac which bought them several days of peace after their DD was born.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Very best of luck!

All sounds reasonable to me - all the best!

Best of luck with everything love, it’s a lot to face.

I had DC1 under GA, they decided that when I was on the table so it was all very rushed and ended up being a big complicated surgery. We were in recovery for a couple of days which doesn’t allow visitors so you won’t need to worry about that part.

We didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl so I think DH let people know that and that we had both got out of it okay but he wouldn’t have dreamt of sending anyone a photo before I’d met her, you’d have to be astonishingly thick to do that so just tell him. Hopefully he’ll look at you like you’ve grown two heads and say of course he wouldn’t.

I was ready to read it and roll my eyes but no I think you're totally reasonable wanting to see your own child before other people do!!!

It is absolutely fine OP - I wish I’d been more assertive and wishing you the best of luck with your birth!

It is absolutely fine OP - I wish I’d been more assertive and wishing you the best of luck with your birth!

This sounds fine to me - you are the one going through delivering the baby, you get to choose how you recover and who gets to see the baby first. Rightly so.

I would also just say that if a grandparent refused to help a new mother because she tried to create a little bit of a safe space for herself after having a physically difficult birth then that would be extremely small and spiteful of that grandparent. And would not be a reflection on op or her choices at all. Women are not just child birthing machines. Just because someone is giving birth to your grandkid doesn't mean that she no longer exists/ matters/ has right to privacy or boundaries.