Am I controlling for asking for these boundaries after birth

I’m normally one for a low key eye roll when people who have totally straight forward experiences start setting bizarre boundaries (and even then I accept them as the person’s choice even if I think they’re silly), but your case is completely different! You haven’t said anything at all unreasonable, especially the point about photos, you should absolutely be the first to see your precious new baby! I really hope everything goes smoothly for you and you get lots of support, and you and your wee family will be home in no time xx

not at all unreasonable I think! Sensible in fact!

All very reasonable. You are going to be having major surgery. You’ll need to be able to recover as you need.

I also would not want people seeing my baby before getting the chance to see them myself.

You are not being unreasonable. Even without any of the circumstances surrounding your birth, you are not being unreasonable in my opinion.

'Controlling' is being used here as a Bad Thing. Just have the temerity to say what you want to get out of a situation and - aaaaagh! You're controlling! How could you! People will tell you you're controlling when in fact it's they who want to control you, by getting you to do what they want. Please don't fall for this manipulation.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I didn't invite her - my sister (who was my birth partner) rang the family home in a panic when I was rushed to theatre. Hence the entire family descending en masse.

With hindsight, I chose my birth partner poorly. I adore my sister but she wasn't the right person to advocate for me. In my defence, I was only 22 at the time.

I was also still living at home with my parents so didn't have the ability (or the boundaries) to be no contact with my mum.

Admittedly my children were born slightly pre smart phone (although we all had camera phones), but there were no photos shared until at least day 2 ... we called parents and told them and the first time they saw them was in person. This is a conversation to have with your husband - he can ring and let them know once it's all ok - and maybe don't tell them the planned date??

While I understand you need time to recover, if you are generally close with them, do remember that you are still your parents' baby and they will want to see YOU. And also that your husband may need some extra emotional support if you are poorly.

Otherwise absolutely everyone should be patient and come to you.

Some people on this thread are seriously lacking in the empathy department.

For your circumstances op everything you've said is reasonable.

I hope you are. She is an incredible woman and a wonderful mother, grandmother and MIL. She just makes me want to be a better human. She even paid for a cleaner to help us out for the first 3 months postpartum so we could stay in the new born bubble for as long as possible.

I think also you need to differentiate helpers and visitors. You know which people will be.
I didn't have a partner at my c section as he had just walked out a few weeks before (hence my username) but I was very clear on saying 'who's helping me' and 'mums helping me during the day until 4, friend X is doing 4-7 and (wonderful) friend y is doing the overnight shift'
That way people who just wanted to see the baby were quite clear that anyone with me was there to work and do stuff for me rather than just cuddle the baby and chat and then leave

Your MIL sounds fab and doing exactly what I will do for my sons first baby

If you get on very well with your mum or have a best friend, you might want to have one of them booked in IF needed to do a shift with you to send your DP home for a few hours to rest so he's more useful to you when you do go back to the house

I don't mean this in a bad way but just curious why on earth your mum was at the hospital when you don't have a great relationship with her? In your shoes I wouldn't invite her

This is a good point you might be asleep for hours but it would feel like a second

I think most of my friends and family had had kids by the time I did and said 'let us know when you're ready for a visit' rather than I want to come today /tmo, but op knows from prior experience that their family weren't sensitive so they absolutely shouldn't be trusted to be in her vulnerable post op bubble

You are 100% spot on here stick to it and don't care what other people say and tell dp criticizes you to stand up for you and say she's about to go through a very scary operation that might be hard to recover from, to be honest I'll have my hands full with a baby to look after waiting for my unconscious partner to recover then looking after her so will have no hands free for immediate photos, no one knows when they'll be ready to host after surgery but I will make sure I
(Then he can say he'll let them know when baby is here and that you're both fine, do a video call with the baby as soon as you're better and at home
Etc) maybe you could set up a baby WhatsApp group with both of your closest families that you're both in and he can send updates to that
But no photos until you're better.

Also please don't tell anyone the c section date just the due date this will solve a lot of problems x

I really wish you well with this birth. It sounds tough and if you have had pph before you'll know what it can be like. If people haven't been all that considerate before, then it sounds like boundaries are exactly what you need. Just make sure that you are not excluding the kind of help that could actually be a boon for you. Of course your recovery and your relationship with your new child come first.

All of what you have listed as boundaries you want to set out is just normal behaviour and basic levels of respect a d consideration that you’d expect from people as a matter of course, without having to set it out as boundaries.

The fact you feel you have to do that indicates that there are some very disrespectful, selfish people in your immediate family.

The fact you’re questioning even whether it’s reasonable to have these boundaries - which are just basic expectations of decent behaviour, i.e. that nobody would do any of the things you’ve mentioned without asking you first/ being invited - is also worrying because it indicates that you’ve been subjected to being pressured into things you don’t want and cross normal behavioural boundaries many times previously, to the extent that you’re now questioning you own judgement about what normal behaviour from others looks like and worrying you’re in the wrong for expecting this basic level of respect and consideration.

Hold absolutely firm on these boundaries and don’t question your judgement. In such a stressful situation everyone else’s primary concern should be about supporting you and given you what you need, asking you what you want, if they were decent people.

After you’ve recovered from the birth I’d do some thinking about whether you want people in your life who make you question whether expecting basic reasonable!!

I hope the birth goes well.

It depends what's going on. I was in for a couple of days and the care in the postnatal ward was absolutely shite.

I'd had an EMCS, I wanted to shower. No one was going to help me, so I had to ask DH to. But that meant trying to pile me, DH and the bassinet with baby in into the small bathroom and DH was trying to both make sure I didn't injure myself trying to shower/dry/re-dress and look after the baby that woke screaming if you dared put down in bassinet. I literally invited family members in so they could coo over baby while I was able to shower with DHs undivided attention and help.

As it’s a general it’s different the baby will be given to birth partner and then once they have finished everything and your awake in recovery then the baby comes back into the room.

I didn’t see my son until an hour after mine.

Me too! 😂

All sounds very normal.
As a sidenote, I don't understand people who want visitors in hospital immediately after giving birth. You're still in pain, don't feel 100% clean, aren't relaxed and are exhausted. Who wants relatives visiting in this scenario?!

I think rather than boundaries, if they're decent humans you get along with a conversation would be better.

I 1,000,000% wouldn't want people holding and taking pictures of my baby I haven't met. But if there is a decent chance of you being very unwell, there is also a chance that your DP may need support for himself. He could be holding his new baby, while his wife is still in surgery possibly (though hopefully not) with surgeons battling to save your life while hemorrhaging. He's scared and alone potentially for hours worrying. So I think you also need to have a chat with him about what may happen in different circumstances.

I also wouldn't put time frames on things, just say you'll invite people when you're ready, and that you feel like last time you pushed yourself into visitors too quick after pph and that it really set you back recovery wise. That way if you're in for a week and you're bored out of your mind you're not going back on yourself inviting people in.

And mainly you need DP onside to be the one holding the fort while you recover so you don't have loads messaging you.

You’re kidding!! That’s hilarious

Completely understandable!!

I was fully expecting you to not be reasonable but this is all valid. I had a C section under general and didnt meet baby for 7 hours after birth. I would be gutted if others did (apart from dh)