Grandmother/babcia doesn’t bother with sons or grandkids

We live in the UK as do the inlaws, albeit 150 miles away.
They have only visited us three times and my ‘kids’ are in their 20’s and 30’s. So she visits you more often than them.
It’s just how some people are.

Before you give up on her, is it worth finding out more via your DH about how she finds the language barrier? Do the kids speak Polish? If not, perhaps it feels daunting to her to pick up the phone not knowing if your DH, the only Polish speaker, will be home. Do the kids ever video call her then language is less of an issue? Traveling to the UK without having much English could also be daunting, even if she were being met, & might mean she puts off visiting. English is often treated as the 'international' language on the plane, even before you get to the UK.

Her behaviour does sound oddly disengaged though when you visit. But before drawing conclusions, I'd want to know more about the cultural norms around this for someone who grew up in Poland's communist era, with different ideas about work and family relationships. Also, in other eastern European countries I've visited I know English is more often spoken by those who are younger and/or more educated. Does she perhaps feel a bit sort of 'left behind' when she hears her son and his family chatting in English and can't join in? I'm not suggesting she ought to feel this or that you do anything wrong, but she's clearly opting out of spending time with you, though showing affection when she is there. So it's maybe an angle worth thinking about.

Unfortunately you cannot make your DMIL interested if she doesn’t want to be. None of my inlaws are remotely interested in anybody but themselves and live about 20 minutes away but don’t bother.
stop stressing about it and start not giving a shit back.
you’re life will be infinitely happier

And actually just to add on to your point about her utilising grandparents for childcare but not offering the same. This is the exact same situation with my own mum who would rely on my GPs while she worked. The difference here was that when my GPs worked, many professions finished work at WAIT FOR IT 3pm (again, communism) and they were very much available. Also early retirements if you worked in the public sector or military.

Polish here.

I have to say that a lot of that generation is just wired like that. My mum isn’t very maternal, and she’s also told me stories of how her mum wasn’t either. You have to remember that during your MILs childhood, she was either raised in a communist state or just after during the ‘hangover’ period and it was a very different world.

Either way I can assure you it’s not done with malice. It really is cultural but more so generational. It’s upsetting but it will never change.

I agree, birthdays aren't celebrated in Poland. She would he more likely to send a gift for Kids Day which is on 01/06 ot St.Nicolas day on 06/12. Ask your husband how those days were celebrated in his family. He may open up about his childhood. Maybe this is something he already does with your kids?
If his mother was using grandparents a lot for her childcare it tells you everything about her maternal instincts towards small kids.

OP, there’s no tradition of birthday cards in Poland.
Do your kids speak Polish? The language barrier is really difficult to overcome.
As for the way she lives and works-it’s very common in Poland.

She should have taken some time off for your family visiting but then if depends on her job/employer and the notice required.

It is a bit mystifying that your own DH hasn’t /can’t /won’t tell you about his childhood & upbringing @Anna225 or that you’ve never dug to find out more??
If she had little involvement as a parent then (for any number of reasons) & shows v limited maternal & grand maternal inclinations now - you have your answer. She’s just not built that way. I think it’s time to let it go you’ll never change her & short of asking about your DH’s experience of her parenting as a child - you’re never going to know why either. Not a lot MN can advise on. She sounds extremely set in her ways, maybe she went through terrible trauma, or got PND, is ND, has Dementia or none of the above. Maybe she never parented your DH v much at all & has no real interest/ability to 🤷‍♀️ If it was me I’d be asking his siblings what it was like for them & find out more about your DH’s family history. Surely they feel similarly to you & your DH but will have their own memories of childhood too.

I’m not having a go or nitpicking. You’ve asked if you’re being unreasonable. I think you are and I’ve said why. 90% of us think YABU. Are you taking any of this on board?

You seem unwilling to countenance any suggestion that you’re not in the right here - so why did you ask?

Although I can understand it is disappointing for you, I'm not really sure that this is an 'actionable' kind of disappointment, or one that you should ruminate on. .

You have a mother-in-law who is not really interested in engaging much with family. You wish that she would be a different kind of person from the person that she is. But people have their own priorities. There's no particular reason why they have to follow a template.

It is sad in some ways. However, the children have other family members who are engaged, including their other granny. That's lovely and I don't think they will feel any loss from having one disengaged granny (unless they pick up on your own feelings). In other ways in isn't sad. Your Polish MIL is living the life that she wants to live, and it sounds like a very full one. It would be hard and painful for her if she felt a very deep connection with family members who are overseas.

Okay, I’m actually more surprised by this than anything else you’ve written. This is your husband. How do you not have a clue? Have you not spoken about any of this?

You didn’t answer as to whether the current situation bothers him. If it doesn’t, YABU. The fact that she utilised her grandparents has nothing to do with you. Your kids have only ever known her to be the way she is, so they’re highly unlikely to be particularly impacted by it.

I don’t get why this upsets you so much. A woman you barely know doesn’t want to spend time with you…so what?

What was she like when your husband was growing up? Does her current emotional distance bother him?

So learn some Polish surely you want your children to be able to speak both languages anyway so it will be something to do as a family and so you can have a conversation with her.

Please don't bother inboxing me again, I'll just post your response here anyway

I m in Ireland and this is my mother. I suspect my mother is neuro diverse and knows how to navigate her working world and can mask very well in her familiar world and has an active social world through her work. She is loving towards children, can be too much of a handmauden to adult men and sometimes dismissive or rude to women, but crucially, she is socially enept in many situations.

My mother doesn't enjoy being idle and she doesn't enjoy not being in control of her own environment and time table. She views idle holidays and idle pass times as foolish. Cou? ld your mother on law be the same

That’s unacceptable behaviour from your husband as well as your MIL. He shouldn’t let her get away with putting his children at risk - she didn’t have to agree to keeping an eye on them, but having agreed she should have done it!

I’d be dialling back the relationship with her. Do you get on with your husband’s brothers? Could they get family interaction from his side through them?

There is nothing you can do about this. I would focus your attention on things to can influence, such as your own relationship with your husband and children.

She's just not into kids. Some people aren't, even those who have had them. Deal with it.

That was a dreadful thing for her to do. Did you or your husband say anything to her? I would stop making an effort and visiting her if she doesn't seem to care whether she sees her son and grandkids or not.

I agree that sending your children and grandchildren birthday cards is the bare minimum expected. I would cut her some slack on the phonecalls. I am reluctant to initiate calls with my own children because they have such busy lives and I always feel I'm getting them at an inconvenient time. As regards spending time with the grandchildren, maybe she is the kind of person who doesn't much enjoy interactions with young children? There are a lot of them around! I'm probably irritating you by seeming to defend your mother in law but it's a difficult role and she really doesn't seem that bad, just not what you'd like.