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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is a reasonable amount for a wedding gift

141 replies

WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 12:53

A relative is getting married about 200 miles away on a weekday in a couple of weeks. We had taken annual leave to be there and booked a hotel for the night before. Unfortunately we can no longer make it because DC1 has been given a medical appointment on that very same day. I understand that the couple are paying £125 per person at the wedding venue. Given DC1 is 2, do you think they would also have to pay for them?
The couple didn't mention the cost but the mother of the relative told my mum.

DH and I discussed between ourselves giving the couple £500 as a wedding gift. Would you say that is reasonable and would cover the cost of our absence and a good amount surplus as a gift?

We are not especially close to the relative and might see them once a year at a family event and I will usually send a a new year's/birthday message (and the relative will reply but never initiate). However we are very closely related (not parents or siblings but aunt/uncle/first cousin degree relations).

Many thanks for any advice

OP posts:
yeesh · 14/06/2025 14:32

That’s an insane amount of money to give, especially if they didn’t give you anything?

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 14/06/2025 14:30

Chances are they have already got someone to fill your empty seats. I also hate this trend of a gift needs to cover the cost of the plate.
Send an actual gift e.g. a nice vase with a subscription for letterbox flowers every month for a year. Or a cafetiere with different coffees (my aunty got this for me and while the coffee is long gone, I still use the cafetiere and think of her and my uncle, neither of whom are still with us).

BethDuttonYeHaw · 14/06/2025 14:21

That’s too much unless close family.

kkneat · 14/06/2025 14:20

I know this might be to obvious to suggest but can you not change the medical appointment? My DD has a chronic life long condition I am often changing appts. Changing an appt to go to a relatives wedding should be understandable to the hospital even if it’s urgent. I agree £500 too much & for most weddings you can change numbers up to a few days before (when the venue orders the good)

DoctorRoseReturns · 14/06/2025 14:16

£500 ?!?!?!?

A wedding gift isn't "covering your plate". I hate that idea from MN. You are a guest, you shouldn't be considering how much you've cost them

£50 would be plenty tbh

BeautifulPeopleGo · 14/06/2025 14:13

That’s nuts.

They’ve probably got someone else who can fill your place. I would give £50 or £100 if they’re a close relative.

Original poster
WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 14:10

At my wedding this relative's parents gave me £500. And so I suppose I feel like I have to match that a bit... But I guess the relative didn't give me anything themselves (this wasn't very long ago so the relative was also an adult, working etc etc)

OP posts:
KakulasSister · 14/06/2025 13:03

YABU as this is excessive.

AnnaMagnani · 14/06/2025 13:01

£500 for someone you aren't close to, and a wedding you aren't going to is really high.

Most people will 'cover their plate' - i.e. food costs, not throw in some more the venue/flowers/clothes and not more for a gift either.

And if the mum was passing on the cost to hint at gift amounts, rather than just having a natter with a friend, that's very rude.

In your situation either no gift or £50 would be fine.

Hols23 · 14/06/2025 13:00

We didn't have to pay for any guests who cancelled with a week's notice or more. If you couldn't come, if anything I would expect a smaller wedding gift, not bigger!

Sahara123 · 14/06/2025 12:59

I don’t think OP means paying for 2 year old at the hotel, more likely the reception, which could well charge for a 2 year old. There was a post here recently where children were charged at £80 😳no wonder people have child free weddings!
Seems pretty generous but if you’re comfortable with that , go for it

JustGiveMeWineNow · 14/06/2025 12:58

I would say it is totally unreasonable as it is way too much. Even in Irish terms we are generous with wedding gifts. But that is way off for a cousin. If I was going to the wedding of a cousin I wasn’t close to I would have gave £350 for a couple. Surely they won’t have to pay if you cancelled early.

Original poster
WhatABigYikes · 14/06/2025 12:57

DappledThings · 14/06/2025 12:56

That is an insanely large amount.

Wedding gifts are not based on how much the couple are paying for their wedding. That's an incredibly crass and unpleasant way to decide how much you are giving as a gift. You don't have to change how much your gift is because you are no longer going.

£100 would still be more than generous.

I honestly have no idea but I feel like I've seen this on MN and how people proceed if they are pulling out of something last minute.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 14/06/2025 12:56

That is an insanely large amount.

Wedding gifts are not based on how much the couple are paying for their wedding. That's an incredibly crass and unpleasant way to decide how much you are giving as a gift. You don't have to change how much your gift is because you are no longer going.

£100 would still be more than generous.

rainbowunicorn · 14/06/2025 12:55

That seems more than generous to me. I honestly don't think it is needed though.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 14/06/2025 12:55

I would give £300.
It covers your stay each (children are usually free) and £50 for a gift.

Certainly in my family we wouldn't give such a large amount for someone who wasn't direct family (sibling, parent).

I think £50 is very reasonable. But you will know what your family expects more than I would :)

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