DD has said she will never view me as a mum

That's OK then!

You messed up

i agree with others… no excuses… must have been super difficult fir her moving constantly… parents fighting… divorcing… then sort of being abandoned…

age us being a bit critical as I think you were expressing an opinion which hurt her.

tbh she might think her dad was a more supportive parent but given (from your account) he hardly sounds as though he's covered himself in glory (equally responsible for the shouting age 10-12, solely responsible for cheating 12-14, then cba to stay in one place for 2 years for her to finish school aged 16 despite already having lived in 4 countries at that point), I can't say whether she's holding you to a higher standard or she's just learned to have very low expectations of her parents.

Really it doesn't sound like either of you have ever put her first in your lives - prioritising jobs, new partners, your mental health (what about her mental health?!) etc over what would be best for her. Honestly she probably would have been better off at boarding school from the time you left italy, at least then she would have had some continuity and wouldn't have been in the middle of angry adults airing their relationship drama.

Saying you've only seen her 6 times in the last 3 years is pathetic. Student holidays are so long, I doubt she spent the whole summer travelling. You could have just gone to see her for a weekend or something, or travelled to her dad's city to have at least seen her over christmas.

Sounds like she's brought herself up (well), despite her parents, not with their help.

Why are you surprised/saddened that she doesn't feel British? Surely you wouldn't expect her to, given she did not grow up in the UK? I think expressing sadness at that probably annoyed her- it wasn't her that decided to move around so much, I don't think you have a right to guilt trip her about not feeling part of your culture, when you chose to live elsewhere! (And perhaps it wasn't your intention to guilt trip her- but this is how it may have come across to her).

Yeah, I think this may have been the final straw for the OP's daughter. The OP moved her all over the place and then "hurt" at learning she didn't feel British. TBH, it feels a bit as though the OP sees her daughter as a possession - a doll she can pick up when she feels like it, then put back down when she gets bored.

Aside from your international moves and prioritising jobs, your mental health will have had an impact. It is bloody hard to be a child to a parent with mental health issues. She was aware as a child you tried to kill yourself and then was effectively forced to move with you at 16. At that point she clearly threw herself into the diploma and sports but that was going to be a choice she made, possibly as a protective mechanism. People with depression are hard to live with and she will have grown up fast and had to become tough. You can’t undo that and that tougher, independent exterior will have been a coping mechanism.

Sounds like your poor daughter drew the short straw when it came to parents.

Validate, validate, validate her feelings and apologize. And maybe offer to pay for some relationship therapy for you and your DD.

It's not really about OP's ex, who doesn't sound great - it's about OP and her DD. There's a lot of posts suggesting family therapy for her but I haven't seen any indication on this thread that OP's DD wants a closer relationship. She was just factually explaining how she felt - that's obviously come as a bit of a shock to OP, but it may well be that she has processed her childhood and is happy with minimal contact.

This. She is brave for speaking her truth.

She never seems to speak unless she really has something to say
OP this line from you speaks volumes, your daughter is telling you loud and clear that she does not feel heard

I'm not saying she has been prioritised or she is wrong to feel that way, but that's down to both parents and I think the OP is getting much more personalised criticism than a man in similar circumstances would (and let's face it he would not be posting to ask).

A family therapist who specialises in international families (if the daughter wants to) would be a good idea.

I was globally mobile as a child and would now be known as a 'third culture kid'. I still don't think that OP's daughter has been prioritised here and I'm not hugely surprised by her reaction.

OP from your original post it sounds as if you prioritised your need above hers. You can’t blame your dd for feeling the way she does. My dd1 is a similar age and at uni and I couldn’t even imagine only seeing her 6 times in 3 years. It’s just something so alien to me.

apologise. Don’t make excuses. Apologise for leaving her. Apologise for making her feel awkward when you bad mouthed her dad, who, yes, was a dick to you, was the present parent for your dd. You can’t blame her for having a closer relationship with him. Promise her you’ll try harder and do better in the future. On the plus side, it does seem as if your dd has grown into a sensible and independent young woman. So that’s good at least.

I'm going to offer a slightly more understanding perspective because I also have an international career. In the career I have it is incredibly common for men to live away from their families for huge chunks of time and of course no one criticises them for 'lack of stability' - including probably their own children, because the social conditioning works on them too (incidentally most of them adopt a 'what goes on tour stays on tour' approach and divorce is massively common).

No one talks about these men 'abandoning' their children.

The OP is getting a ton of criticism for something that was the result of both parents parenting decisions. Dad was also moving around. Divorce is messy and people often trashtalk the other parent. It's not great but it's not unusual.

Nonetheless her daughter feels like she has a poor relationship with her mum, which is also understandable. I think you can fix this in adult to some extent and have a good relationship as adults. I suspect that as she gets older as well there will be more understanding that adults make complicated, bad, decisions often. She might make some of her own.

OP you could post anonymously on Two Fat Expats on Facebook or even on the living overseas section here, you'll get more understanding of globally mobile lifestyles there and maybe some ideas. You can't turn back the clock at all (we've made the decision to stay put for secondary which is total trash for my career and I hate it- I itch to go somewhere every single day), but you might figure it out going forward. Good luck.

@Strangersev
Everything is obvious with 20/20 hindsight.
I think you’ve been treated harshly in this thread.

Once your daughter has a serious relationship or children of her own, she might get a bit more perspective. Give her time.

Yes, it does sound like you and your husband were more career focussed than parents, but she’s had a lot of opportunity too from the lifestyle you gave her.

You also gave her choices to stay in Geneva for school or Paris. Many teens don’t get a choice when their parents divorce or move. I don’t know what was stopping you staying in Geneva this time, but you could have dragged her to Paris with you earlier and you didn’t.

It must have felt gutting being othered, especially when the husband was the one who brought a woman into the home you worked hard to make. And you stayed quite holding the secret while he left you both home in the evenings. It must have felt doubly gutting that despite him straying from the family, he comes out shining in your daughter’s eyes because he stayed… was it for the daughter or the new partner?

Your anger was legitimate- but it shouldn’t have been funnelled through your daughter.

Regards the meeting 6 times over the course of her degree in the UK, it sounds like you went twice a year? That’s decent. More than most of international friends’ parents.
And all this was while she went travelling every summer and to her dad’s for every Christmas? How many times did your adult woman daughter come visit you?
The Dad was wrong, you were wrong, she’s a wrong herself - if a bit spoilt.
Apologise once. Really mean it. Don’t spend your life begging. move on with therapy.

Hi @Strangersev fellow International school TCK mum here.
Ppl who haven’t moved around a lot don’t understand this way of life really. The positives and negatives. It’s very alien to a lot of people in the Uk. You gave you DD great opportunities that clear.
It does sound like there there was a lot of turmoil though.
Maybe let the dust settle a bit and see if she would be open to some family therapy for the two of you. With a really good therapist - and I would tap into your contacts and maybe even previous international school Councellor for someone really good who understands the TCK and internationally mobile families and can provide zoom therapy that you and your daughter can attend.
The divorce rate for marriages in these international and mobile families is higher than usual. People do not understand the pressures who have not lived it.

Don't ruin a good apology with an excuse.

Own it, I'm sorry I prioritised myself and didn't notice it was to your detriment. Tell her about the depression and without digging in to it and say it was bad judgement on your part because her dad had hurt your feelings and you had mental health problems and you know that doesn't excuse it but you hope she's an adult maybe she can start to forgive you. And ask what she needs now.

Shes young, she was hurt and she might be lashing out but the way forward is patience and love

Agree. I wouldn't appreciate being told I need therapy by a mother I rarely see.

You need a lot of therapy, and to pay for her to have it too. Your response to her saying she feels Italian is very telling that you're still only considering your feelings and not her feelings and experience. I can understand her reply, and the fact you cried in public and made it about you AGAIN would have driven her nuts.

You can’t control what’s happened, only what’s going to happen. All you can do is try to be the best version of her mother going forward. In time your dd may become close to you and alter her perception of you as a parent. Making mistakes is fine - it’s how we deal with the fallout of these mistakes which shapes what happens in the future.

Take a step back, your excuses are just going to make it worse.

There is time to rebuild your relationship but you can’t make a massive deal out of it the more pressure you put on it the more likely it is to fail.

By the sounds of it you were more focused on your career than the stability of your daughter. That must have been very confusing to hear you say that he's evil but then leave her alone with him. Although you are human, we all do and say things we done mean and especially you caught him in your bed with another woman you must have been really hurt. The message from your daughter is her reaching out so , I'd definitely focus more on her hurt and how you'd do anything to repair this. You could mention that at the time you were in a deep depression but obviously don't make it about you. Maybe you could try family therapy??

AIBU to feel like I should explain my side of the story to her? Or have I been ridiculously selfish and this is a result of my own actions?

Op you defo explain your side to her, and yes it does sound like you've been selfish but im not saying this to be nasty to you. You seem to have got caught up in yourself without meaning to. This doesn't mean you cant try and you should most definitely try. I would start by acknowledging and accepting her feelings and telling her you want to work towards making things right. You can explain your side without making a justification, there also needs to be acknowledge of your failings but you can most definitely fix this or at least get to a better place. It doesn't sound like you had any bad intentions and no doubt you love your daughter Good luck Op. Wishing you both all the best.

I’m not critical of what she said after the affair, but I am critical of two parents who blatantly put their own careers ahead of their child, as is clear from the OP.

Yes, exactly. I’m really surprised at the overly critical comments here, as if people have not ever got anything wrong?