DD has said she will never view me as a mum

Maybe ask her what she would like from you now. Keep in better touch with her with cards messages that let her lnow how much you care for her.

You can’t be the mum that she wanted or needed then, but you CAN be the mum she needs now and in the future. That’s on YOU to build that role in her life though.

You put your career and yourself above her every time. I hope that the money and prestige were worth it.

She’s put up emotional barriers to protect herself from the inevitable feelings of rejection that have arisen.

Yes he had an affair but the DD would have been well aware that the relationship wasn’t in a good place and Singapore hadn’t work.

Just because he had an affair and the breakdown of the relationship wasn’t awful on the OP there is nothing in the post that says he wasn’t a good father and wasn’t there for her.

14-16 is a crucial time growing up as much as the early days and the OP knows she wasn’t there and when she was was nasty about her ex even though all of the issues were between them and not about his parenting

I’m with you on that, it was only when I moved far away from my parents that I saw how truly odd they were. Then as an adult my aunts and uncles all confided in me that they knew my parents were making poor parenting choices but didn’t feel they could say anything at the time. None of it at the level of abusive, just selfish I suppose. We can only hope to do better for our own children.

The Jesuits say give me the child till he is seven and I will give you the man. This little girl had a settled happy life till she was seven and that was in Italy. Maybe no surprise she feels Italian.

What's done is done, and all you can do is look to the future. Your daughter has told you how she feels and you need to respect that. Apologise, without trying to explain, and try to build on your relationship. Keep the chains of communication going and make the effort to see her whenever she is happy for you to do so. Maybe one day you'll have a closer relationship, but you might need to accept that it may not be the mother/daughter relationship you want.

OP even with your explanation of why you did what you did, what glares through is a mum who didn’t prioritise- her daughter at all. Something else always seemed to come first - be it your own health, a job, a new relationship. You just weren’t very present in her formative years. It’s a choice you made and I think you’ll have to live with it and try to make up for it now. You might be able to earn a place closer to her heart if you start putting in the effort you should have been putting in from the start.

the close mother-daughter relationships are the fruit of years of sacrifice.

@FairKoalavery valid points and I’m sure op left out a lot more. How is the ex so cruel but left the child with him too.

And here is the winner for the most heartless answer sprinkled with a total lack of understanding of what’s going on there…..

It all comes down to money. Don't worry I'm sure her dad will help.

Honestly you have been selfish.

I think if she has children of her own she will see how her childhood and the way both her parents treated her even more negatively.

There are aspects of my childhood that I knew weren't ideal, now I have my own children and trying to imagine acting the same way, I see those things as utterly unbelievable and unacceptable.

OP, if you do fix your relationship, be aware of this scenario and be prepared for a second wave of resentment.

You still aren’t listening to her op. She’s grateful for the life she had BUT that doesn’t mean she needed to do it being in the middle of a very ugly situation and being left by her mother. How do you think as a child she coped without you?As a young little girl?

Maybe Strangersev you could look at therapy

There does seem to be some sort of self sabotage going on.

Why when you have a happy and settled family unit you decide to throw everything up in the air and apply for a job in Singapore and when you get it, you take it and expect dh and dd to unsettle themselves and move with you to a different country only when no one really settles Dh gets a job to a 3rd country and everyone has to remake their lives their.

Something really bothers me regarding the affair.
Why take 2 years to start divorce proceedings

Why did you leave for 6 months. Surely if he was the one having the affair then why were you the one to leave and not set up any visitation to see your DD

Why when you decided to go to your parents, why didn’t they send you straight back or insist you fly back at least fortnightly to see your dd for a few days so you wouldn’t lose touch.

Why when you knew your dd didn’t want to move from Geneva and had turned down moving to the UK with you. You chose to get a job in Paris rather than Geneva?
All these decisions have led you to this point

Even when things were going well with your meet up with dd you chose to get upset about an answer she gave to your question.

Maybe self sabotage isn’t the only thing to look at but why you keep building walls between you and dd and if you see her happy your thoughts turn to how to bring her down.

To be honest, whatever came before, the interaction at lunch sounds off anyway. What were you hoping for when you “jokingly” asked her if she felt more British when by your own admission you knew she was unlikely to say yes? You then told her you were hurt by her answer, despite also admitting that the time in Italy was the happiest and most settled for your family and where she spent a long stretch of her early childhood- why wouldn’t she see herself as Italian? I think asking how someone feels then telling them you’re disappointed in their answer is actually letting them know that the question was never about them but about you.

It sounds like she’s been able to make the most of the childhood she had but can still see her relationship with her mother wasn’t optimal.

What is the current source of your discomfort? Are you devastated that you let her down or are you just upset that she’s challenged you?

She may come to view things differently if and when she becomes a mother herself

I agree with this.

Everyone involved could’ve done better and teen often compare their lives to those of their friends and most parents reflect badly.

Example, DDs Uni friends have never worked; She works all summer to support her studies, she feels this isn’t fair - I actually think it does her more good to work and earn some money and gain experience.

No families are the same. Just keep in regular contact and listen without judging.

if she doesn't "view you as a mum", presumably she has no expectation that you will fund or contribute to her extended studies.

I thought this too. And also replying to her text telling her her dad is cruel. This poor child moved from country to country, going through emotional turmoil and at one point left by you. She had to learn how to cope without you. You can’t expect anything from her, other than what she wants to give you. She sounds independent, detached but making her own way in life. I don’t think you should make it about you yet again.

She hasn’t said she sees no wrong in his actions. She hasn’t said her father was perfect, or that he didn’t treat OP badly. He was however the parent that was there as a constant feature in her life during her formative years, unlike her mother.

Thats not true though.
The OP was there during all the dd childhood. She was just as much of a constant as her father.
Until the dd was 14yo. Then she spent 2 years with her dad but wo her mum (but that dissimilar to the EOW arrangement - aka very regular contact).
And then the dd spent 2 years with her mum but wo her father. A nice reverse of the previous situation.

It’s not the time spend in or not the life of the dd That’s naking a difference there.

Absolutely this

I think most of the commentators have the wrong doings on your part covered.

I would like to point out though, you said she is going to Italy and views herself as Italian. That to me suggests she is seeking a “home”.

We raised our children abroad at times, and know lots of families who moved often. I think for these families it is more important than ever for the parents to be present and immersing the children in their home culture. Little ties are what make the difference.

Who did more of that? Who did she support in sports as a child or which cultural traditions did she engage in more (pasta making vs Sunday roast for example). Where did she spend holidays?

I think she probably went to uni in the UK hoping it would feel like home, it hasn’t, now she is trying Italy. This may be a feeling that follows her for the rest of her life. Culture gives us a real sense of belonging and that is important for kids and adults alike and is an area many third culture kids feel robbed of.

My experience of, and takeaway from, being a third culture kid is very different to yours. The daughter’s is her own, and it may genuinely be more like mine.

I’m a child who moved around quite a bit too p. And my dcs are binationals so I think I have a good insight on the influence moving or not had on her.

Its not moving that was the issue. She was always going to be ‘an in between child’, between two cultures, two languages.

Its the fact you’re emotionally immature (sorry. I appreciate its very harsh said like that). She needed you in her life as a teen and you weren’t there. I’m not even saying there physically. I mean emotionally.
Just look, your dd tells you something really big. She is vulnerable with you about her feelings. That’s huge. And your reaction? To say it’s all her dad’s fault. Not one word of apology about what she has lived through.

Your OP is a long list of all the things that happened TO YOU. Nothing about her. Nothing about the compromises she made. The struggles she had.

If you want to change things, you will have to change.
Go to therapy. On yourself. Not to repair the relationship. But to heal yourself. To have a better relationship with yourself. To learn about boundaries and emotional vulnerability. To stop being dysregulated.
And then speak to your dd. THANK HER for her honesty. Aplogise for your role. Stop finding excuses and put the blame in something or someone else. Ask her what she thinks would be helpful. Tell her about you getting therapy. Fir yourself and with the hope that this will allow you to be a better mum to her.
Dont expect her to change her feelings. You might never be able to rebuild your relationship. But you can try. And you can certainly try to be a better person towards yourself (and others)

Realistically, there isn't anything you can do about the past other than focus on building a meaningful relationship and apologising without any excuses.