Holiday offer revoked

@Singineletricdreams

I think that it's an outcome which was always on the cards, to be honest.

Could you make arrangements to take the children to another part of the US yourself this year?

How old are they? I wonder whether they would like New York, if they have never been there before.

OP, are you going to keep inviting and hosting any of his family who used to visit the family home?

Some men don't have much to do with their own biological kids after a divorce.

New wife & kids take priority.

Yes there are people who keep in touch with ex-step kids, but they're a minority.

It's hard enough keeping in touch with blood nephews and nieces, can't imagine having time to keep in touch with a sibling's ex wife's kids.

Breaking free properly gives space to grieve the relationship and to nurture a new one.
You need to explain and prepare the kids for when he has a new girlfriend, wife, or family.

Why would you want to go away with someone who dumped you, unless you did the dumping but expect to keep the benefits of the marriage?

This is definitely not double-standards and has nothing to do with the example you've given, you sound confused.

The OP did not have children with the STBXDH. The children in this story are hers, fathered by someone else. The children have no blood ties to either the ex nor his family. There are no shared children. The ex's family have no obligation to give the OP and her kids a freeby holiday.

It is where there is inequality of treatment, where there are biological children and step children and treatment of these two types of relationships is two-tiered and the step children begin to realise over time that they are second class citizens through no fault or choice their own. MNers quite rightly see that as an unacceptable way to treat children, and it could scar them for life.

the OPs kids are not going to be forever scarred by not going on a freeby holiday, the OP will have to sort that out in future. The OP would do well to point out to her offspring that, sadly because of the split, things like holidays will change but as their mother they are still loved and cared about.

Please be prepared for your DC drifting from wanting to keep contact with your ex. Once they become adults, build their own social life, go to Uni, get jobs, get their drivers license, they will make their own adult choices, and the likelihood will be their lives will rapidly move on and he won't be relevant.

and when your ex meets someone else .... he has no obligation to keep in touch and he will move forward with his new life (quite rightly, we all have just one life, it isnt a rehearsal!)

What are you angry about?

He is not discarding them. He is still in their lives. A divorce changes the dynamic and ends family ties. You were not close to his family (they live on the other side of the world) and they were very generous to you and the step-children, but it would be weird to continue this generosity now that you are no longer together. Would you still expect to share a house with him, even though you are divorced? Would you expect them to give you a house to use for just you and the kids?

It's like you think the fact that you have kids should give you a free pass to make use of one of their houses every year.

The STBXH adopting them now, in the middle of divorcing their mother? You can’t be serious.

Still see them on a ad hoc basis…….

ok start preparing your kids (& yourself) things not going to happen. He won’t stay involved and won’t see them on a ad hoc basis. Prepare, this will save you from the shock when it happens.

Re the holiday, I think you were unreasonable to expect this to continue. Maybe try to look at it as it was lovely they were so fully included in the past instead. You see so many threads on here where the step kids aren’t treated as family whilst the parent is still married to the step parent, so it’s good that you didn’t have this experience whilst married….count your blessings.

Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

You're getting a divorce.

you need to back off contact with his family, you won't get freeby holidays anymore. Thats how it works when you get a divorce.

wanting something for free is being a grifter.

What? 😡

I'm just surprised you're surprised op
Sorry

This is what happens when you split up. Why would they offer you this free holiday? It will be difficult all round. Dxh can still take advantage of their hospitality. You are out in the cold.

The wider family have not "cast the kids aside" at all. A member of their family married a woman with children, and now he's divorcing her. That's not their fault is it?

What exactly do you want his family to do? Tell him that they will be inviting his ex-wife into their home every year when he visits whether he likes it or not, because they're all fond of her children? Its very sad, but this is one of the risks with blending families unfortunately.

But OP wasnt just expecting the kids to be included in the Ex DH's family holidays was she? She was also expecting to go herself. I think that's what people are reacting to.

I think that if OP had posted saying "I'm feeling upset that he's been like a father figure to my DC but now that were getting divorced he doesn't want to take them to visit his family anymore" she would have gotten different responses. People would, rightly, have pointed out that he has no obligation to keep taking her DC on holiday. But I think they would have understood why she felt sad for her DC that these yearly trips were coming to an end. OP assuming that she would still be welcome to tag along with her Ex DH on his family holiday is what people are struggling with I think.

But, as I said, none of that would mean OP was reasonably entitled to assume that her ex DH would carry on taking her on holiday to visit his family post-divorce.

In an ideal world, it would be lovely if he wanted to keep taking her DC to visit his family. But OP's automatic assumption that they would all continue to holiday together as a family of 4, and that she would be welcome to stay with his family is not logical, regardless of the length of the marraige or his role in her children's lives.

Absolutely bizarre to assume you and the children were still going. It was decent of your soon to be exDH's sister to let you know, to save you any potential embarrassment or wasted money and plans.

Maybe it was presumptuous of op to presume the usual holiday arrangement would continue, but no one had told her any different, and in fact, the sil actually messaged to say she’d miss seeing them this year. (Fortunately she did, otherwise op would have been none the wiser).

Maybe nobody thought the OP needed to be told any different. Maybe everyone thought it was obvious that, if you are getting a divorce, you no longer go on holiday with your husband’s family (and seemingly at their expense). Look at the vast majority of responses on this thread.

This is why OP needs a proper conversation about what this “ad hoc” ongoing relationship really means. To OP, it seems to mean nothing changing other than the fact that she is no longer married. It clearly means something different to her soon to be ex-husband and, for the sake of her children, she should get clarity on this.

SIL probably messaged out of kindness, assuming the OP and her kids might be feeling a bit upset when the holiday time was coming up. And I’m sure her kids genuinely did enjoy having others their own age around. But that’s not to say she or any of the other in-laws are thinking OP should be there this summer. She’s not the only one going through a divorce - her husband’s family are going to want to support him. That’s before you even consider that this is supposed to be a holiday for everyone in the family. Who wants to spend their holiday walking on eggshells around a divorcing couple?

I think OP understands now after being told hundreds of times.

If the kids were your husband's then it would be expected to still go. However your kids aren't his, so why would they want to see you all? They only invited you in the past, because you were with their relative. In this situation I would not have expected to go.

I can see that must feel hard OP. We had a similar thing where my uncles got divorced from aunties who had been around since my parents were teenagers and well before I was born and they then disappeared out our lives. It was really upsetting and definitely not what we would have chosen our side. I have managed to get back in touch with one now that her divorce has settled and in the past.

I don't have an answer and I think it probably is unreasonable to expect to continue to go and have a free holiday every summer, but maybe wording it along the lines of "we view you as family and would love to come and see you periodically" and not expecting to stay for free, might be the answer?

Of course it’s been revoked! How bonkers to expect otherwise! They’re his family, not yours…

Divorce changes things.. You can't still play happy families and think that everything will carry on as normal
You're a cf op.

It is not appropriate for you and ex to be going on holiday with his family so it has come to a natural end rather than being revoked. If he was biological dad she may be invited with him for part of it if it wasnt too long for her or you. As only ad hoc it feels like that wouldn't work.

I see where you're coming from, but very few step-parents are going to stay in the life of a child they're not biologically related to, or legally responsible for. It's a very, very big ask.

There are always so many threads where a mother has one or more children from a previous relationship, meets a new man and has a child/children with them, and then is heartbroken that his family don't see all the children as being members of the family in exactly the same way as each other.

Having a child together as well as previous children makes a difference though. The ex would be expected to remain in contact ,the children would be step sibling.

The Op has no children with her ex DH.