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AIBU?

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Original poster

Holiday offer revoked

581 replies

Singineletricdreams · 14/06/2025 10:52

I am in the midst of a divorce from DH, which on the most part is fairly civil.

Although we don’t have any children together, I have 2 children from my previous marriage, and every summer we would go to the US and visit DH’s family. DH’s extended family would be there and it’s a lovely relaxing time, and there are lots of cousins etc for my kids to socialise with. They own several holiday homes in the US, and we would have our own house for 3-4 weeks.

Last week, I received a short WhatsApp message from his sister telling me they’ll miss not having the kids visit. This came as a surprise as I was expecting to go. Although DH and I are seperating, I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact . I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

OP posts:
whitecarmcr · 15/06/2025 20:22

This sounds quite unbelievable...

CountryQueen · 15/06/2025 20:15

StooOrangeyForCrows · 15/06/2025 18:48

When you meet a new man and you want to go to the US with your kids, are you expecting them to accommodate him too?

You've had a fair bite of the cherry OP. Expectation such as yours is pretty well into CF territory.

Him and his ex step kids and his ex too apparently

BlueSeagull · 15/06/2025 20:10

Why would you be invited the relationship had ended you share no children and therefore have zero need to be each others lives.

Orderofthephoenixparody · 15/06/2025 20:09

Lostcat · 15/06/2025 19:43

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced

It matters when people respond to the OP saying she “should have stayed married”.

As I said- this thread is mad.

Show quote history

She's after a free holiday at his families expense. She needs to have some self respect. What was she hoping for starting this thread to plot and plan how to get a free holiday from his family. Do you have any ideas for her?

Arlanymor · 15/06/2025 20:04

Genuinely, what are you upset about? Is it about losing contact with the family? I’m which case there is nothing stopping you from going on holiday nearby to where they are and paying for you and your children to stay in a hotel, and then suggesting a meal out with those that you are closest to - they can say yes or no. If you are unhappy about losing your freebie holiday then you need to really check your privilege.

Bridgetjonesheart · 15/06/2025 19:56

No, the marriage is finished now theres no need for you to be there anymore. It’s not the Walton’s. It probably doesn’t feel very nice, but eventually you’ll both want to move on and it’s just awkward. Best just stop now.

Lostcat · 15/06/2025 19:43

Missanimosity · 15/06/2025 19:27

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced. She is not entitled to free holiday on his family's expense. Of course they are people and children, but OP is about the holiday not about his family not seeing the children any longer and thats what we answered to.

Show quote history

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced

It matters when people respond to the OP saying she “should have stayed married”.

As I said- this thread is mad.

Nanechangeqqf · 15/06/2025 19:38

I still can’t believe the OP’s thinking around this! I’m glad almost every post I’ve read thinks she’s being entitled. When I first read her OP she reminds me of my eldest sister as this is the kind of thing she would say, all my life my mum has backed up my sisters entitled-ness and I’ve been made to feel selfish but I see now there are people out there who are so bloody entitled it’s crazy!

Orderofthephoenixparody · 15/06/2025 19:38

Lostcat · 15/06/2025 18:31

Why are pp’s being rude/ critical of OP for getting divorced??
No one has any knowledge/ insight into the context.
This thread is mad.

Edited
Show quote history

She comes across as very entitled. Nothing wrong with feeling disappointed but to call it shitty behaviour is going to far. They were happy to entertain her and her children while she was married to him. It's a step too far to expect his family to continue to entertain her on her own with the children. They will naturally support their relative and not host her anymore. If she paid to stay there for a month they will probably change their mind.

Blades2 · 15/06/2025 19:31

You sound entitled.

not a chance would I expect my ex who is not my children’s father, to take them anywhere to be quite honest.

Missanimosity · 15/06/2025 19:27

Lostcat · 15/06/2025 17:58

Wtaf. You have absolutely no idea why OP is getting divorced . And this is not about “perks” it’s about children and people they have known as family. What is wrong with you?

Show quote history

Doesen't matter why they are getting divorced. She is not entitled to free holiday on his family's expense. Of course they are people and children, but OP is about the holiday not about his family not seeing the children any longer and thats what we answered to.

Kelly1969 · 15/06/2025 19:25

DontReplyIWillLie · 15/06/2025 09:01

Maybe it was presumptuous of op to presume the usual holiday arrangement would continue, but no one had told her any different, and in fact, the sil actually messaged to say she’d miss seeing them this year. (Fortunately she did, otherwise op would have been none the wiser).

Maybe nobody thought the OP needed to be told any different. Maybe everyone thought it was obvious that, if you are getting a divorce, you no longer go on holiday with your husband’s family (and seemingly at their expense). Look at the vast majority of responses on this thread.

This is why OP needs a proper conversation about what this “ad hoc” ongoing relationship really means. To OP, it seems to mean nothing changing other than the fact that she is no longer married. It clearly means something different to her soon to be ex-husband and, for the sake of her children, she should get clarity on this.

SIL probably messaged out of kindness, assuming the OP and her kids might be feeling a bit upset when the holiday time was coming up. And I’m sure her kids genuinely did enjoy having others their own age around. But that’s not to say she or any of the other in-laws are thinking OP should be there this summer. She’s not the only one going through a divorce - her husband’s family are going to want to support him. That’s before you even consider that this is supposed to be a holiday for everyone in the family. Who wants to spend their holiday walking on eggshells around a divorcing couple?

It IS obvious to everyone but OP that the freebie month long holiday in the US would not be happening.
Its an incredibly generous gesture, and OP was very lucky to have had this ongoing thru her marriage but when the marriage ends, so do the perks.
The ad hoc step parenting needs to be clarified, parenting isn’t something you can do ad hoc!!

Emmz1510 · 15/06/2025 19:23

There’s no need for the nasty tone that so many people seem to taking with you OP, sorry people feel the need to be so horrid!

You obviously had good reason to think the holidays might continue. Some families maintain their closeness despite a couple’s divorce, it’s not completely unheard of. I can imagine a close in law saying to someone in your position ‘I’m so sorry you are separating. We all got on so well so please feel free to use the holiday home if you want to’.

The fact that your sister in law reached out suggests to be me that it possibly wasn’t their decision but maybe your DH’s? If it was them who were thinking you weren’t welcome anymore why would the sister in law say what she did? That seems a little odd. And it was ex DH who told you not to come? I imagine the issue is with him. Which is ok, I get it.
If his family want to keep lines of communication open with you that’s their lookout. They get to choose who to maintain friendships with.

bitterbuddhist · 15/06/2025 19:19

Not his children, his family aren’t obligated to host them.

DavidsFavouriteGirl · 15/06/2025 19:18

ensayers · 15/06/2025 18:55

Not everybody has the ability to remain friends or even civil after a split.
I'm sure you know the type, the only way they can communicate is through yelling and trying to always have the last word etc.
I guess his family are like that.

Where is the evidence for that?

Nothing in this thread suggests that OP's ex-husband or his family have behaved unreasonably. In fact, it looks like his family were very generous and welcoming when he and OP were married. Even she concedes that the divorce has been amicable.

It seems that OP is a massive CF and thinks she can retain the perks (i.e. a very generous holiday arrangement) with people she no longer has any relevant ties to. The fact that she can't, according to OP, is shitty behaviour on the part of his family.

I'm sure her ex-husband and family will be glad to see the back of her.

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/06/2025 19:17

No, she thinks they are going without him. It's daft enough to be a reverse.

GiveDogBone · 15/06/2025 19:16

You are being completely unreasonable. Divorce means divorce, you aren’t part of his family anymore. I mean if you were his third wife, would you expect the other two to have turned up every year FFS?

HereWeGo1234 · 15/06/2025 19:10

The most unusual thing about this is your level of expectation. Why would you think that he is going to bring you and or your children?

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/06/2025 19:01

I might understand him taking the kids over there but why would you think you and the kids would go without him?

Kelly1969 · 15/06/2025 18:58

Genevieva · 14/06/2025 12:00

I think you need to have a proper discussion about what their relationship with him will be going forward. Ad hoc is unsettling for children. Either he is their de facto father and they maintain proper contact or he isn’t and they cut ties. If he is, you should consider him adopting them and becoming formally their Dad. He would then take his kids to the US to see their adopted family.

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Adopting her kids in the midst of their divorce?
I think that would be unusual to say the least

Gloriousgardener11 · 15/06/2025 18:57

You sound very entitled, no wonder you are about to undergo divorce No2!

Your kids are nothing to do with your ‘soon to be’ exs’ family and I’m not surprised they have sacked you all off.
I should imagine they are glad to be free of you and your freeloading kids.

ADRV · 15/06/2025 18:57

It‘s sad for the children as they probably see them as family but I think it’s to be expected that DH‘s family would not welcome your visit. They are his family at the end of the day and their loyalty is to him.

ensayers · 15/06/2025 18:55

Not everybody has the ability to remain friends or even civil after a split.
I'm sure you know the type, the only way they can communicate is through yelling and trying to always have the last word etc.
I guess his family are like that.

LaughingCat · 15/06/2025 18:53

So confused by this! The only ‘shitty behaviour’ I can see is the assumption that you’d continue to get a lovely holiday from a family none of you are a part of anymore.

Take the lesson, OP, and plan a lovely holiday for you and the kids this year, start a new tradition for you all.

Kelly1969 · 15/06/2025 18:49

lessglittermoremud · 14/06/2025 11:21

When my parents divorced I remember my Mother taking us to see my Auntie (my Fathers sister).
My Auntie told my Mum that her visiting with us was inappropriate and that in future it was down to my Dad to bring us to see them.
My Mum was gutted as had known them all since she was 17 until she was 40 but in their minds she was no longer family.
Im surprised you thought you’d still be welcome especially as the kids aren’t his biologically, regardless how civil the divorce is/was.

Aww that’s a slightly different situation as you were visiting your paternal aunt.
Your Mum should have checked that it was okay for her to take you, in fact surely she didn’t just turn up without any prior warning?