Holiday offer revoked

Not shitty behaviour at all. You don't say how long you were together and ages of the kids, which is quite relevant. If you were together for a significant number of years eg got together when kids were toddlers and now teens. I would think it's awful dropping the kids like stones as it's the only family they know and see if everyone is open to continuing the relationships but it would be very much just the kids and them not your involvement as such. It happens alot with biological families nevermind step families with no obligation to see you and the kids. The fact you thought you would still be going in the same capacity eg staying in their home with your ex is incredible. It would mess with kids heads for a start thinking you may get back together (if they're young) and cause a lot of upset feelings for both you and the ex. Doing a holiday over there, paying for an hotel/B&B then visiting for a couple of hours etc if the kids, if your ex and exes extended family agree is much more reasonable. You can't expect it to be paid for by him and his family, play happy families and then come back after a free holiday. They have no obligation to you or your kids unfortunately.

It's quite normal not to see your exh family after you divorce - this means his parents and his extended family.
Your biological children are not his biological children so it would be anticipated that ties with his biological family would be lost.
I was very fond of my former MIL and FIL Sent cards etc for years after I divorced his son. Things were cordial.
However, even when I had been 25years their daughter in law I couldn't attend their funerals which made me very sad. However, I celebrated their lives , privately in my own way.
I'm afraid you were wrong to think these people are still 'family' to you and to host you, as they once did, post divorce.

That’s the whole point of raising it. It shines a light in the situation and hopefully makes her realise that this isn’t something she wants, so the holiday isn’t either. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

I distinctly remember when my brother separated from his wife (there’s a very big age gap between us). His ex wife wanted to continue visiting our parents and myself as they were childhood sweethearts, she knew us and got on better with us than her blood relations.

My mother had to pull her aside and tell her she couldn’t just keep the bits she felt like keeping and that she had left my brother and ultimately that meant she needed to cut ties with us too. It was clearly breaking my brother as she had left for someone else.

As my mother said - you don’t just get to keep the bits you want. You aren’t together now and need to respect the new boundaries.

It isn't necessarily pretence. My siblings/cousins have had partners who I loved to be around and whos company I enjoyed but at the end of the day when the relationship with my family member ended there wasn't a reason for me to see them any more. Our relationship was based on their being partnered to my family member. That's how in-law relationships work - doesn't mean they are fake at the time.

Look, I have known my SD since she was three. She is now in her teens. If I divorced her dad she doesn't get to still come on summer holidays with me and my extended relatives. That's no shade on her, it is just the reality of life. She is an in-law. When you divorce you sever marital ties with your spouse and their family. That includes their children. Doesn't mean you can't maintain a friendly bond, but does mean they aren't your immediate family any more and therefore won't be treated as such.

Be prepared that once you split he probably see them a few times and then stop!

The holiday offer has not been revoked. It was never there in the first place now you're divorcing.

YANBU if would be different if they were his kids but their not so he doesn't have to keep providing free holidays

I think you have to respect their wishes under the circumstances.

Many families would be the same.

He’s divorcing you not your kids. Depending on how long you’ve been together it seems sad that he is just going to dump them.
my stepdad dumped my sister and I after 20+ years as I was about 3/4 when mum
met him

Does OP say she’s booked flights?
it wouldn’t be a good idea to go and try and meet up, if ex is there and even if he isn’t that would be really awkward.

About 99% of the comments are not saying she should still be getting a free holiday!
But there’s a big difference between OP expecting a free holiday and saying she should stay married.

Yes I understand, difference being you were biologically related to the person you were visiting so it’s not quite as bizarre as OPs situation.

That ship has sailed for you now I’m afraid. The link was your husband and now that’s gone, sadly so has the relationship and need to see each other.

You could still use the flights and have a fun holiday, and perhaps even meet up once with their 'friends' / ex step cousins there if the children both sides are very keen, but I wouldn't be expecting to stay in their homes

The point that I was raising was that after the divorce they didn’t regard my Mother as part of their family anymore so weren’t expecting to see her again.
The OP was made welcome on the holidays previously as she was with her DH, now they are no longer together they don’t see her as part of their family so wouldn’t plan on seeing her further.

OP, my exH's family never spoke another word to me from the moment he decided to leave me. I was pretty taken aback, but when it comes down to it, families often close ranks when there's a divorce, no matter how much they have seemed/pretended to like you in the past.

Why would they still have you and your (not his) children over? That's what divorce is, unfortunately.

Why on earth would you visit his family, when you’re splitting up
very odd that you would still go
also , USA visit atm do you live under a bush ???

This was the bit that confused me...

@Singineletricdreams seems to think they're cousins and wants the holiday perks.

The unreasonable behaviour is not withdrawal of the offer earlier, once the divorce intentions were known.

Oh ok sorry, I missed that, my mistake

Well duh.

I’m afraid that’s just how it goes with step-children. Now that you’ve separated, the chances of him seeing your kids again are basically zero. It’s time to accept that he’s gone — and you’re on your own now.

He is still involved and will see them on an ad hoc basis

The reality is, most step-parents don’t stay involved after a breakup. I think you need to start facing the fact that he’s moved on, and so should you.

The truth is, the next father figure in their lives will come from your next relationship.

@Singineletricdreams

I don’t see why his family would want to cut of contact.

You're not part of the family anymore, and the kids were his stepchildren — he doesn't even speak to them now. It’s a bit optimistic to think you can separate and still expect access to his family’s holiday homes, like that’s part of the deal.

I phoned DH to explain that we still planned to visit but was politely told not to come.

Honestly, I’d be pretty embarrassed to call up an ex and ask to use the family holiday home when you're no longer together and there’s no relationship anymore — especially when the kids weren’t even his

AIBU to think this is shitty behaviour?

YABU, and taking the utter piss.