Holiday offer revoked

When you divorce you need to accept you are no longer part of his family. This is hurtful but that's the way it is in a lot of cases.

I see. This is a loss and it hurts. But it isn’t surprising, no. They valued and liked you and your children as in-laws aka as the woman their son (brother etc.) married. That bond is dissolved with your divorce, which unfortunately affects your DC as well.

In other words: You are not unreasonable to be hurt. But they are not unreasonable either. This is a loss you and your DC unfortunately have to deal with.

And I am saying this as somebody who grew up in a patchwork family. It broke my heart to see my little (half) sister lose the love and care she knew from the man she called “father” when he decided to leave our mother.

but that is what tends to happen unless stepchildren are officially recognised (aka adopted). It sucks but that is the risk of patchwork and encouraging children to consider stepparents to be their parents.

My father’s ex-DP (and mother of my half-brothers) tried to stay in contact with me after their split. I did appreciate the fact that she didn’t just discard me. But I never considered her to be my mother or a mother-figure so it felt a bit awkward when she tried to do family Christmas etc when I had only ever seen her as the partner of my father and mother of my DhalfB and not as somebody I was related to…. It’s quite possible that some of your stb ex-DH’s family members feel quite similarly.

3-4 weeks in USA every year with your own house is a lot. For many is a lifetime holiday. You were very lucky you got to benefit from it, however, this no longer applies as you are divorcing and your husband and his family have no obligation to host you any longer. You were lucky you got this but your holiday to his family were not and should not have been seen as entitlement. Also, don't use your kids as pawns and to manipulate, not going to his family with them does not mean he discarded them. Your OP was all about the holiday not the kids, you throw the kids in the mix when you read the answers you got. I think you are pissed off you missed up on your holiday, and you are giving me CF vibes. Explain to your kids plans have changed, or pay for a holiday yourself.

If the kids were his, I’d expect him to still take them away, but not you.
The children aren’t his, you’re on your own!
Im shocked you’re shocked to be honest!

And it's on him and you to manage this situation as far as your children are concerned, but it's not on his extended family.

I can quite understand why you are not invited to the usual family gathering this year, or maybe for the next couple of years.

But let the dust settle. Respond to the family member and say you are also sad that this chapter has come to an end, but you would like to keep in touch as your DC enjoyed meeting up with their DC and maybe in the future they might be able to get together again at some point.

Something light-hearted and vague.

Once everything is sorted, if DH is continuing to be in their lives, then he might take them another time. But now is not that time.

I say this gently but however welcoming the ex's family have been to your kids, they are not biologically related and it would be odd/unusual to continue your holiday plans with them. It doesn't sound like they saw each other regularly and formed closer bonds, they might have formed an attachment. If they were his kids then that's a different matter, they might still want to facilitate a holiday, incl you, to see the kids.
I still see my ex-inlaw's fairly regularly but that's only because they want to see their DGS.

I'm sorry OP, but I think that YABU to expect a holiday for your kids.

You said he is the only father figure they've ever known. While a holiday might not be on the cards, I do hope he remains in their lives, or worst case transitions out slowly, and as kindly and gently as possible, if it comes to that.

Looks like you have your answer. Can’t have your cake and eat it springs to mind.

Sorry OP but of course you’re not invited. How awkward would that be for all involved?

My mum is a bit like this and doesn’t understand why my dad’s family are still loyal to him when he’s the one who misbehaved but it’s how families work. Nothing personal.

Yeah, I'd love to hear his side of this ...

He may meet someone else and want to take them ,be abit awkward you and you’re kids rocking up

They are your kids. You are divorcing him so him and his family are no longer your family. Why would you get a free holiday out of it. Honestly some people are so grabby, pay for your kids and take them away somewhere

The relationship is over. Your kids are no longer their family.

Could be a bit uncomfortable sitting next to ex partners new partner at the dining table but hey a free holiday is a free holiday!

I think it's because this appears to have completely out-of-leftfield for the OP. As if the thought had never even occurred to her that these wonderful holidays, which were a perk of being married to her ex, might no longer be on the cards now that she's divorcing him.

That requires a certain level of entitlement.

Plus there's the issue that she's accusing him of discarding the kids like a used tissue in one breath and then in the next, confirming he is still involved and intends to see them on an ad-hoc basis. So inconsistent too.

Eh? By horrible I think you mean normal. Who invites the ex-wife and her kids who aren’t related, on holiday when a divorce happens? Not many people that’s who. Realistically it would far too awkward. Better for everyone to focus on the reality of a different future - the ex husband is not related to the kids so the ‘ad hoc’ visits may well get likely to get further apart and fizzle out over time too.

I’m not seeing FREE holiday here - these homes come at a cost, they could be rented out to another family etc so someone somewhere is paying even if Op never did.

Speechless...YABU

I agree with the majority of posters that OP is being unreasonable to expect that the holidays in the USA with her ex-DH's family would continue after the divorce and that she and her children would still be treated like part of the family. It does make a difference where there are no biological ties.

However, the sheer relish with which some posters are telling OP how very unreasonable she is to expect any sort of ongoing relationship with her ex's family is a bit distasteful. She is wrong to expect a free holiday in the US but not wrong to feel upset for her children who obviously viewed these other children as their extended family.

So the op can offer to pay themself if it is money thing

I think separation is tough on the kids (I was a stepchild) stepparents often take on a parental role but when seperated have no real rights or responsibilities. I know I found it really hard when my stepdad left ( harder than when my parents divorced as was much younger then) lots of promises were made about still seeing us but fizzled out over a year.

I do think you are being unrealistic, I know he’s the only father figure your kids know but that relationship is dependent on your relationship.

It is sad for the children but possibly cleaner to draw a line under it.

Oh come on. This is really unfair.
It's not "horrible" at all, it's normal to stop hosting your relatives spouses once they divorce. Do you regularly invite the ex's of all your relatives to stay in your home for 3-4 weeks at a time?

There are step parents that would take the step children on holiday after the marriage ended, then there are those who won’t or even bother with the children again.
There are ex PIL’s that would want to maintain their relationship with step grandchildren, if their son/daughter brought them. To expect them to offer you and children to still go, is a pipe dream, your ex will go there to be surrounded by family and to help him move on. They regard you as ex family now.

I think it's surprising you expected to continue to holiday with your ex and his family, that definitely isn't the norm.

So if you were getting divorced, you would be perfectly happy to host your ex husband and children that aren't yours at family events and holidays with your extended family? Do you not think that could be a bit awkward moving forwards?

I think its more normal for these externed relationships to fizzle out when the couple is no longer together