Holiday offer revoked

If you had posted saying you’re a step-mother who isn’t taking her ex’s children on holiday anymore, you would be vilified as a witch.

Women can’t win on MN.

True, and if he's the one who cheated and broke up the family, it does seem unfair on the kids (and the innocent wife). Lots of in-laws stay in touch with their SIL/DIL and do tell their son/daughter that if they chose to break up the home, the children shouldn't have to suffer. It's not the kids' fault whether or not they're blood relations, and the cousins quite probably couldn't care less whether they're blood relatives.

Yes but that doesn’t extend to everything he has done with them.

How long were you together? How old are your dc?

surely you didn’t expect to holiday with his family forever?

It may sound hurtful but in reality it was your DH they were inviting as family, you & the DC were along due to your marriage.

Your marriage is ending, and they no longer count you within the family.

I think that would be really difficult if he doesn’t have parental responsibility for the children, as he wouldn’t be able to make medical decisions in an emergency.

Have you actually asked if he will take the children without you? Could that be an option

I don’t think you can expect his family to host you and your kids at theirs for a holiday when 1) they aren’t his children and 2) you are no longer together. There’s no family tie at all now. You once all came as a package but no longer do.

Oh no, she wasn't expecting DH to take them, she expected that SHE and her kids could continue to go every year by themselves, without DH

That’s not the same though is it?

I’ve been that step child. I was going to be flower girl at an upcoming wedding too and that offer was rescinded. I was gutted tbh.

What amazing annual foreign trips are your extended family intending to include your ex in after your divorce when he is no longer a member of their family?

It’s an awful part of splitting, my dc developed very close relationships with exh second wife’s family but when they split it ended that day. It was a huge lose to them. They refused to pursue a relationship with wife no 3 family.

You forgot to add leaving the kids with the relatives while she goes on a date 😁

They should, whitin a relationship. After the relationship folds up this is no longer the case, just because he is not the biological father. Kids should have all the family meetings and holidays with their biological father and his family, if this is not happening is OP's bad decisions who led to this. Is sad but is true. The only people responsable for the children at the end of the day are the father and the mother, also the only ones who have all the legal rights and any say in their upbringing.

Honestly struggling to understand why you think you’d be entitled to free holidays in your ex in laws holiday homes 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well these are ex stepchildren but mostly I’m confused as to why the actual ex thinks she’s invited to anything. Super complicated to take children you aren’t related to away for 4 weeks but I could see why he might try to make some version of this offer. But why on earth the OP would think ‘she’ was invited is the confusing part to me

There's also the chance that the ex husband will never see the kids again. I don't think OP said how old they are but if they are young, OP could just decide at any point post-divorce to withhold contact and there's really sod all he could do.

He's going to be dependent on her good will for ongoing contact and maybe he feels he needs to start emotionally guarding himself against all possible outcomes.

The children are only family for the duration of the relationship though. I think that’s partially why some extended families don’t treat stepchildren the same because if they break up there’s a decent chance you’ll never see them again.

Quite @Butchyrestingface. He couldn’t make any decisions for them as he doesn’t have PR. Even in the UK, a hospital would need to contact their parent if decisions needed to be made. Legally, he’s now just their Mum’s ex.

The issue is that the OP was expecting to go on the holiday too. Why would he want to holiday with his ex for 4 weeks? I can’t imagine many people would want to do that.

I don't think it's necessarily a double standard. I can see why someone would be very reluctant to take children that they have not adopted or have PR for out of the country, and to the US particularly. If they fell ill or had an accident whilst there, would the (ex) stepfather be held liable for medical bills/evac, etc? I don't know, but I can see why the possibility would make someone hesitate.

If this was about him taking them to his beach hut in Skegness, different story.

He's not "discarding them like a used tissue" if he's still planning to see them. But he was never their actual dad, and it's their actual dad who owes them their missing father-figure. Your stbx does not owe them anything, and owes you only what is determined to be a fair split of marital assets (unlikely to include ongoing transatlantic holiday privileges). If he takes them our for a McDonald's once every couple of months he's doing infinitely more than most men would do for their ex-step-kids.

They're not his kids so why should they get to have a holiday to your STBX family. YABU 100%

They liked you all because of the marriage.
it’s no deeper than that.

This is such double standards. Mumsnet goes on and on about treating step children like biological children and yet directly the couple are no longer together the conversation always jumps to ‘why would you expect X or Y, they aren’t related to you’. Well which is it? Are these kids being treated like family or not?!!