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Original poster

To think neighbours should have had their son apologise?

88 replies

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 00:31

My neighbour's son, age 12, threw rocks at my children and me when he was not invited to my son’s birthday party. I did not grow up in the U.K. but am raising my children here. I would have imagined that most parents would have at minimum had their child go back and apologise for the violent / harmful behaviour. These parents haven’t done any of that. They saw him - and they did try to stop him - but when I later spoke to them expressing concerns, they simply made excuses, saying he was just being emotional because he felt disappointed. For the record, he and my son are not even close, although we have had him over a few times. And the birthday party he missed was not something he saw taking place - he only heard about it.

is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc? Please tell me these neighbours are in the minority. Am I wrong to think they should have had their son apologise?

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 05:53

Meadowfinch · 14/06/2025 05:47

More likely she wants to be reassured that the parents are aware of the child's appalling behaviour and are trying to do something about it.

Don't worry OP, that is absolutely not the norm. If I caught my ds throwing rocks at someone, he'd be grounded for a month.

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Yes, this is exactly it. I’m glad I seem to be on the same page with most of you.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 14/06/2025 05:47

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

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More likely she wants to be reassured that the parents are aware of the child's appalling behaviour and are trying to do something about it.

Don't worry OP, that is absolutely not the norm. If I caught my ds throwing rocks at someone, he'd be grounded for a month.

FlexiLime · 14/06/2025 05:47

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

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Or, she wants to feel that her hurt and upset has been acknowledged and that he won’t do it again. Your take is a little odd, to be honest.

Todayisaday · 14/06/2025 05:40

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

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Ridiculous statememt. I havr an 11 year old and he would not throw rocks at people, he just wouldn't. If I ever found out he did, then he would be punished and told to apologise, maybe even in letter format. Throwing rocks is assault and an age 12 kid should know it is not acceptable in society. 12 is year 8 in secondary.
Also if the rocks were tiny bits of gravel, or acrual rocks. Either is unacceptable, but obviously tiny bits of gravel is not likely to harm but a large stone or rock couls actually land someone in hospital

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 05:16

kittenkipping · 14/06/2025 01:51

I see where you are coming from- but in young children often a forced apology makes them face the shame and consequence of their action. Without which they can often forget or not understand the impact of their actions. There is a lesson to be learned, even if they don’t want to apologise they learn that actions bear consequences, that you are not always free of your victims rebuttal and reaction, nor are you free from their feelings, you learn that even if you don’t care- society does- and you will face the reckoning even if you don’t think you deserve it. These are lessons that young children learn easily and therefore don’t repeat. The children that don’t learn it become shitty adults and sometimes criminals who haven’t become accustomed to society’s rules.

if ops neighbors child had been forced to apologise for their behaviour, perhaps they would learn

a- that when you are disappointed , that does not entitle you to a reaction.
b- that when you act aggressively int response to disappointment you will be called on it
c- when you embarrass yourself and hurt others you will have to apologise and feel that shame
d- not to do it again- which is in their interest, as not everyone who gets thrown rocks at them is so kind as op. If they throw rocks at the wrong person they will get hurt.

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I agree with what you say here. The behaviour has to be modelled in some way or another. By witnessing his behaviour and doing nothing, his parents are opening the door for him to feel entitled to do more - and he lives close by. That is my fear. He has already done more minor things leading up to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 05:13

HelenaWaiting · 14/06/2025 01:58

No, the act of power is chucking a rock at someone. He's 12. The OP should have called the police.

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I don’t want to humiliate him or feel powerful. I actually feel unsafe and am looking for signs and assurances that the boy understands his behaviour was wrong and wong do it again. I was thinking that if my child had done something serious, I would have been very concerned and would have had them apologise. I am surprised that he and his parents don’t seem to care about what he did. At the same time, he still wants to come over to our house (he just shows up in our garden sometimes), and after that behaviour, with no sign of remorse, I’m afraid to have him around my children.

Perhaps I should call police. To be honest I was hoping not to have to do that.

OP posts:
HelenaWaiting · 14/06/2025 01:58

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

Show quote history

No, the act of power is chucking a rock at someone. He's 12. The OP should have called the police.

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

temperedolive · 14/06/2025 01:14

I don't really understand the point of forced apologies.

If they're making him apologize, he doesn't mean it. He isn't actually sorry. It's just pretending.

There should be consequences for what he's done, but "go lie to the people you assaulted" shouldn't be one of those consequences. What's the point?

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

kittenkipping · 14/06/2025 01:51

temperedolive · 14/06/2025 01:14

I don't really understand the point of forced apologies.

If they're making him apologize, he doesn't mean it. He isn't actually sorry. It's just pretending.

There should be consequences for what he's done, but "go lie to the people you assaulted" shouldn't be one of those consequences. What's the point?

I see where you are coming from- but in young children often a forced apology makes them face the shame and consequence of their action. Without which they can often forget or not understand the impact of their actions. There is a lesson to be learned, even if they don’t want to apologise they learn that actions bear consequences, that you are not always free of your victims rebuttal and reaction, nor are you free from their feelings, you learn that even if you don’t care- society does- and you will face the reckoning even if you don’t think you deserve it. These are lessons that young children learn easily and therefore don’t repeat. The children that don’t learn it become shitty adults and sometimes criminals who haven’t become accustomed to society’s rules.

if ops neighbors child had been forced to apologise for their behaviour, perhaps they would learn

a- that when you are disappointed , that does not entitle you to a reaction.
b- that when you act aggressively int response to disappointment you will be called on it
c- when you embarrass yourself and hurt others you will have to apologise and feel that shame
d- not to do it again- which is in their interest, as not everyone who gets thrown rocks at them is so kind as op. If they throw rocks at the wrong person they will get hurt.

temperedolive · 14/06/2025 01:14

I don't really understand the point of forced apologies.

If they're making him apologize, he doesn't mean it. He isn't actually sorry. It's just pretending.

There should be consequences for what he's done, but "go lie to the people you assaulted" shouldn't be one of those consequences. What's the point?

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 00:49

ConfusedSloth · 14/06/2025 00:34

"is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc?"

Yes - that is the norm. I'm sorry this happened but it didn't happen because they're British, it happened because they're awful people.

Thank you so much for confirming that. That is what I thought, but my STBX partner’s family (who is also an expat) wants me to move countries with him, and he is using this situation to try to convince me that I should move, saying the children won’t learn character or good manners from the culture. I thought that was ridiculous but I then start doubting myself. One of his many tactics. I often finding myself needing to reality check things.

OP posts:
TinyTempest · 14/06/2025 00:34

You don't sound as though you've been in the UK very long if you're asking this?

Of course it's the norm.

I imagine it would be in just about every country in the world?

ConfusedSloth · 14/06/2025 00:34

"is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc?"

Yes - that is the norm. I'm sorry this happened but it didn't happen because they're British, it happened because they're awful people.

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