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Original poster

To think neighbours should have had their son apologise?

88 replies

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 00:31

My neighbour's son, age 12, threw rocks at my children and me when he was not invited to my son’s birthday party. I did not grow up in the U.K. but am raising my children here. I would have imagined that most parents would have at minimum had their child go back and apologise for the violent / harmful behaviour. These parents haven’t done any of that. They saw him - and they did try to stop him - but when I later spoke to them expressing concerns, they simply made excuses, saying he was just being emotional because he felt disappointed. For the record, he and my son are not even close, although we have had him over a few times. And the birthday party he missed was not something he saw taking place - he only heard about it.

is the norm in British culture to teach children who misbehave in an extreme way to go back and apologise, build character and integrity, etc? Please tell me these neighbours are in the minority. Am I wrong to think they should have had their son apologise?

OP posts:
ButteredRadish · 14/06/2025 11:58

temperedolive · 14/06/2025 01:14

I don't really understand the point of forced apologies.

If they're making him apologize, he doesn't mean it. He isn't actually sorry. It's just pretending.

There should be consequences for what he's done, but "go lie to the people you assaulted" shouldn't be one of those consequences. What's the point?

What? It teaches the child humility and to take accountability for their actions 🙄

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 11:57

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 11:54

I am afraid of this. I have a daughter and he has already pushed some boundaries with her, and that also concerns me.

Show quote history

Try moving.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 11:57

ExtraOnions · 14/06/2025 08:36

How big were the “rocks”?
Did anyone get hit?
How many were thrown ?
over what time period ?

Does any of that excuse his behaviour.
He could throw a peddle or a rock, the point is he shouldn't have been throwing anything.
Little brat.
He'll be in prison when he grows up, thinking his actions are acceptable.
In the real world, actions have consequences, he be better served learning this as a child before the police or prison teach him.

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 11:54

YouWillFindMeInTheGarden · 14/06/2025 10:30

what was he saying when he was throwing them?

looks like you’ve got problem neighbours, will only get worse as he approaches teen years with parents like that

I am afraid of this. I have a daughter and he has already pushed some boundaries with her, and that also concerns me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 11:52

EllyRoff · 14/06/2025 09:40

2nd post I’ve seen now slagging off the British/English 🙄

No OP, your culture is much superior - in Britain we like to raise our kids as hooligans to set them up for their future trips to Benidorm. We just love violence here, can’t get enough of it.

I definitely don’t think my culture is superior. It has plenty of flaws. My children are being raised in this culture now. I am filtering the noise of my in-laws criticising British ways as well as the behaviour of my neighbours and just wanted a reassuring broader perspective on normality which I have gotten here. I am not eager to have a bad opinion - this is my first time encountering this kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
Chester23 · 14/06/2025 11:52

ImagineHarder · 14/06/2025 08:31

But lots of countries don’t use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ anywhere near as much, often because they express politeness or gratitude in the syntax. It doesn’t make other nationalities ‘rude’.

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I did not say any other nations are rude. I'm showing an example of how others don't think we are.
I have worked with many nationalities and have always treat people as individuals regardless of where they came from. Nationality never came into it.

YouWillFindMeInTheGarden · 14/06/2025 10:30

what was he saying when he was throwing them?

looks like you’ve got problem neighbours, will only get worse as he approaches teen years with parents like that

JudgeJ · 14/06/2025 10:24

luckylavender · 14/06/2025 09:55

Do you mean rocks or do you mean stones?

Is the difference important? Let's use semantics as yet another excuse for a yob in the making!

HappydaysArehere · 14/06/2025 10:22

Throwing rocks at the age of 12!!! Just because he missed a party. If any of my children or grandchildren had done that I would be so worried about the child himself. Why is he so volatile? Why so violent?

JudgeJ · 14/06/2025 10:21

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

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He deserves to be humiliated, a call to the police for the assault is his alternative.

Promo981 · 14/06/2025 10:19

temperedolive · 14/06/2025 01:14

I don't really understand the point of forced apologies.

If they're making him apologize, he doesn't mean it. He isn't actually sorry. It's just pretending.

There should be consequences for what he's done, but "go lie to the people you assaulted" shouldn't be one of those consequences. What's the point?

To learn that you apologise when you do something wrong. Children become functioning members of society by learning.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 14/06/2025 10:11

Awful behaviour. My parents would’ve marched me to yours to apologise.

Gemmawemma9 · 14/06/2025 10:03

EllyRoff · 14/06/2025 09:40

2nd post I’ve seen now slagging off the British/English 🙄

No OP, your culture is much superior - in Britain we like to raise our kids as hooligans to set them up for their future trips to Benidorm. We just love violence here, can’t get enough of it.

Word.
Your post is quite offensive OP. Imagine the reverse “Is this just the culture of Poland/Romania/India? Are you all like this??” Wide eyed faux naivety.
You know full well this is not the norm.

luckylavender · 14/06/2025 09:55

Do you mean rocks or do you mean stones?

EllyRoff · 14/06/2025 09:40

2nd post I’ve seen now slagging off the British/English 🙄

No OP, your culture is much superior - in Britain we like to raise our kids as hooligans to set them up for their future trips to Benidorm. We just love violence here, can’t get enough of it.

WhatNoRaisins · 14/06/2025 09:33

In answer to the original question OP I think there are some people in the UK that take alternative approaches to discipline which may include things like not making someone apology or a "low demand" approach. Most are sticking with a more traditional approach with emphasis on treating others decently and consequences for poor behaviour.

jnh22 · 14/06/2025 09:07

kittenkipping · 14/06/2025 01:51

I see where you are coming from- but in young children often a forced apology makes them face the shame and consequence of their action. Without which they can often forget or not understand the impact of their actions. There is a lesson to be learned, even if they don’t want to apologise they learn that actions bear consequences, that you are not always free of your victims rebuttal and reaction, nor are you free from their feelings, you learn that even if you don’t care- society does- and you will face the reckoning even if you don’t think you deserve it. These are lessons that young children learn easily and therefore don’t repeat. The children that don’t learn it become shitty adults and sometimes criminals who haven’t become accustomed to society’s rules.

if ops neighbors child had been forced to apologise for their behaviour, perhaps they would learn

a- that when you are disappointed , that does not entitle you to a reaction.
b- that when you act aggressively int response to disappointment you will be called on it
c- when you embarrass yourself and hurt others you will have to apologise and feel that shame
d- not to do it again- which is in their interest, as not everyone who gets thrown rocks at them is so kind as op. If they throw rocks at the wrong person they will get hurt.

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You’ve worded this really nicely here.

Nagginthenag · 14/06/2025 09:04

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

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Eyes cannot roll far enough at this.

Even if the child does not feel remorse and isn't sorry for what he did, apologising for his actions may make him think twice about doing it again. For all those saying he shouldn't be made to apologise if he doesn't mean it, is there a line to be drawn? Should anyone ever apologise for anything?

ButterBites · 14/06/2025 08:58

PrincessFairyWren · 14/06/2025 01:56

She wants a forced apology to humiliate him. It is an act of power.

Show quote history

And we found the parent who lets their child get away with anything.

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 08:55

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 08:34

I agree. There is good and bad in every society.
These neighbours are not reasonably people, minium contact, calling the police will escalate things, If it continues then make the complaint.

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Wise words all around. Thank you. I can see that the neighbours response is not considered normal behaviour - which is what I suspected. My in-laws (also ex-pats) made some rude, off base comments that I believe were narrow minded telling me that British families wouldn’t teach good behaviour but I am going to ignore what they said. I’m completely on board with what most people in this thread have said and you’ve given me the reassurance I have needed about this difficult situation as well.

OP posts:
Theroadt · 14/06/2025 08:50

kittenkipping · 14/06/2025 01:51

I see where you are coming from- but in young children often a forced apology makes them face the shame and consequence of their action. Without which they can often forget or not understand the impact of their actions. There is a lesson to be learned, even if they don’t want to apologise they learn that actions bear consequences, that you are not always free of your victims rebuttal and reaction, nor are you free from their feelings, you learn that even if you don’t care- society does- and you will face the reckoning even if you don’t think you deserve it. These are lessons that young children learn easily and therefore don’t repeat. The children that don’t learn it become shitty adults and sometimes criminals who haven’t become accustomed to society’s rules.

if ops neighbors child had been forced to apologise for their behaviour, perhaps they would learn

a- that when you are disappointed , that does not entitle you to a reaction.
b- that when you act aggressively int response to disappointment you will be called on it
c- when you embarrass yourself and hurt others you will have to apologise and feel that shame
d- not to do it again- which is in their interest, as not everyone who gets thrown rocks at them is so kind as op. If they throw rocks at the wrong person they will get hurt.

Show quote history

This

Original poster
ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 08:49

ExtraOnions · 14/06/2025 08:36

How big were the “rocks”?
Did anyone get hit?
How many were thrown ?
over what time period ?

Rock sizes ranged from gravel to a few that may have been half-golf ball size as far as I am aware (judging by the sounds they made as they hit our house and feeling on my back). I did not closely examine because I turned my back and headed for shelter. I can also look at the area where he got the rocks as he was grabbing handfuls. People were hit but no one was bruised as far as I know.

There have been other problems with this child when he has come over before, but the most overt aggression and “throwing” took place over about a 3-day period very recently.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 14/06/2025 08:36

How big were the “rocks”?
Did anyone get hit?
How many were thrown ?
over what time period ?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/06/2025 08:34

ShuffleShuffleSpin · 14/06/2025 08:17

I definitely instinctively feel what you are saying here. That is my fear as well.

Show quote history

I agree. There is good and bad in every society.
These neighbours are not reasonably people, minium contact, calling the police will escalate things, If it continues then make the complaint.

ImagineHarder · 14/06/2025 08:31

Chester23 · 14/06/2025 06:46

There's also another stating similar things.

I actually explained to Polish man I worked with how we were taught to say please and thank you... parents death grip 😂 and other manners i was taught and he told me they weren't taught that in Poland and he wanted to bring his children up like that. I dont know why people have started making out were rude, horrible people

Show quote history

But lots of countries don’t use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ anywhere near as much, often because they express politeness or gratitude in the syntax. It doesn’t make other nationalities ‘rude’.

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