Why won't my mum stop talking about herself? It's ruining our relationship

Oh this is so me! I was talking to someone about this today actually and wondering if it’s a generational thing, although we have a lot of ND in our family so it could be that also.
it has got worse as she has got older, but it was always there.
all conversations come back to her, no questions come to me - there’s an assumption of a relationship without her knowing that there needs to be some work on her part.

for years I worked so hard to try and crate the right environment where she would give me what I need but I realise now it is never going to happen so I have been detaching.

If she's ND... there was NEVER any chance of changing her...

I could’ve written this post.
Like another poster I think she’s neurodiverse. There’s diagnosed family members and I’m sure she is too (think she believes she is as well).
It’s exhausting though and you’re always slightly on edge. At 75 theres no real changing her now.

'I generally practice very strict news management with her and keep things very surface. But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish things were different.
On the few occasions I have challenged her, she’s very upset ‘oh I can’t say anything right!’ then later rationalises it'

Hard relate to all of this. My parents are very similar to your mum. They monologue AT ME - it's not a conversation. They seem to have no interest in my life or in me at all really. If I do volunteer some info, it gets ignored or talked over. And yes we do all know people like this, but it's particularly weird and hurtful when it's your own parents

We all know people like this. It is draining and the art of a two way conversation is alien to them.
‘ let’s bring it back to me ‘ .. I’m not sure why they are so unaware of how it comes across to be honest

I also tried to challenge my mum a few times, but nothing came of it. If they're insensitive enough to do it in the first place, they're insensitive enough to continue doing it, even if they know they're boring the shit out of everyone around them.

Well tbh I don’t want her to start quizzing me, because that inevitably leads to endless ‘helpful’ advice on what she would do. I generally practice very strict news management with her and keep things very surface. But it doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish things were different.

On the few occasions I have challenged her, she’s very upset ‘oh I can’t say anything right!’ then later rationalises it. Nothing changes because she’s never wrong 🤷‍♀️

This is my MIL. None of her children want to know her anymore, nor do her own parents. She's going to end up a very, very lonely old woman.

What would happen if you very bluntly said, Mum, do you realise you haven't asked me a single thing about my life since you started talking?

My mum is like this. It’s not actually possible to have a conversation with her as every road leads back to her. There’s no back and forth, and she rarely asks questions except as a prelude to giving her opinion / advice. My dad isn’t like this at all.

i can only assume it’s insecurity and having low self esteem.

My SIL & BIL are like that, they go on & on about what they’ve done, where they’ve been, what their kids & grand kids have done … 🥱 They say I bet you saw it on FB, like we have nothing else going on in our lives so we have to follow theirs on FB 😆 I haven’t been on FB in yeeeeears due to people like them.

Because she enjoys the attention, because you’re another person to oooh and ahhh at her stories. I also find that the people that shout loudest to their friends about visiting their grandchildren/children etc actually have the weakest connection.

My grandparents talk endlessly to their friends about me, but I have no idea what they say because they don’t know anything about my life. I think they just want their friends to think they’re great involved grandparents. My Nan actually said once it was a shame I don’t post on Facebook anymore because she doesn’t know what I’m doing… pick up the phone and ask me then!

im sorry OP, its not a nice position to be in but protect yourself first. If it doesn’t fill your cup, you don’t have to invite her over or pick up the phone.

Mine was like this. I don't have the answer, but in my mum's case I'm pretty sure that she was ND. There's an awful lot of diagnosed autism in my family.

I have grandparents that live abroad and talk endlessly to me about their quiz nights, their friend drama etc but it took them 3 days to congratulate me when I bought my own house alone and they’ve visited twice since then but never come to see it even though I offered to drive them the half an hour from where they stayed 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think some people feed on the drama and are only interested in that. They tried to face time me the evening after my other nan had a cardiac arrest, even though I’d made it clear I was in the hospital. And when I eventually did call them back it was all about them and their friends they know in hospital etc, they didn’t once ask me how I was even though my Nan was on life support in the room next door.

Something I’ve learnt recently is that just because someone is related by blood, doesn’t mean you have to keep pouring effort into them. I’ll always be civil, but I’m not worrying that they think I’m rude for not calling them every week when all it does is drain me.