Why won't my mum stop talking about herself? It's ruining our relationship

My Mum is 87, and she’s not like this at all, and never has been. I don’t think it’s an inevitable part of ageing. My aunt died recently aged 95, and was always interested in what everyone else was doing. I have met people like this, and it’s tricky-I couldn’t cope with a friend like this, but it’s hard when it’s parents.

Mine does this a lot, it is very irritating, she does occasionally ask me how I am, but it is very much an afterthought and she doesn't want to listen to the answer, and she has a habit of telling me the same stories on repeat or making stories up to fit her agenda.
She has never been a hugely supportive person though, mainly because I am not male.

My elderly parent is also ASD, and mostly only talks about himself or will talk about me and my family if the topic of conversation is an interesting one to him and he can relate to it .
He will ask as a formality how we all are, because he’s been taught to do that, but to be honest I don’t care one bit if he asks about me and I don’t mind if he moves every topic to his experience.
I just take him as he is.

My DM is like this. She’s retiring next month and I’m absolutely dreading it. My Dad is hard of hearing, I think that’s how he can stand if.

Here we go with the 'generational' crap again.

Because of course this happens to everyone once they hit 55 and no-one younger is ever like it

My mum’s the opposite with my kids. How would they ever know the right thing to do if she hasn’t told them? So she does. But they are a lot more accepting of her, probably because she genuinely thinks they are wonderful I.e. that they reflect very well on her. They are boys, that probably helps 🤷‍♀️

Love my mum but she definitely does this. Once 40 mins into a phonecall I did say 'do you realise you have been talking for 40 mins and haven't asked me anything'. Other odd occurrences I am finding is that when I talk about what my high school children are doing, she will talk about what happened when she was the same age nearly 70 years ago as if her experience is related to what my children are doing. To be honest I find it amazing that she can remember that long ago however it's never really relevant to the conversation.

My DM does this and has for years, I find it upsetting at times, I’m trying to get support and she just switches it back onto what she wants to talk about

I’ve found my people! This is my DF. I see him once a week (plus a phone call) so endure at least 2 hours of monologing a week. I mostly just nod along, but occasionally try to introduce information about my and the DC’s lives. Highlight this week was me trying to talk about the holiday we’ve just been on, only to be interrupted with his story of cleaning the bathroom. I also strongly suspect undiagnosed neurodiversity. He’s elderly and I do feel guilty for not appreciating him more, but he makes our time together something to endure rather than enjoy.

This is my MIL down to a T. I've heard it called 'boomerasking' - asking a question of somebody else with the sole intention of answering it yourself. In my MIL's case she'll usually dispense with any pretense of actually wanting to hear what the other person has to say and just answer her own question without drawing breath. 'Biskie what do you make of (X) thenI reckon [goes on for several minutes], and then what about (Y) if you ask me [goes on for several minutes more]. I find it exhausting and within not long at all I give up even trying to respond. Cue complaints of 'Biskeboo is very quiet today, has barely said a word, is something wrong?'.

The thing is, I'm almost certain that it is because she's actually quite insecure so in a way I do feel bad for her. Doesn't make if any less annoying though.

My SIL is like this, it's draining. I try to converse with her as little as possible now but it's hard because our kids are in the same class. Irks me even more now because she will go on and on about her kids and literally ignores every single thing I say about any of mine.

I think it’s an old person (and particularly and old lady) thing.

My mother has started doing it to - anything I say the response is about her or her experience of a similar thing.

I don’t actually think she’s not interested in us, I just think it’s a bad conversational habit people pick up. Rather than express interest in the person they are talking to, all they can do is think about how it relates to them.

Oh god when mine does ask stuff she does this too. Finishes my sentences often incorrectly.

She'll also sort of make assumptions about feelings I must have about situations which are often way off.

Then she goes back to talking about which veg she got on yellow stickers in Aldi. I dread the weekly call.

Never been very close to her and it sounds harder for those of you who were and have lost that because this behaviour is newer.

I have to say that the relationship between my own mother and I wasn't very meaningful for a range of reasons but this talking at me certainly didn't help. She also had a set of 6 monologues which she just repeated over and over, every one about how wonderful her son the golden child was. Reader, he wasn't wonderful.

Another one who hugely relates to all this. I also think my dm is probably on the spectrum.

It's awful to say it but I often read the paper during our weekly call and just say "oh" and "really" now and then and she doesn't notice I'm not listening properly.

She sometimes asks how I am about 20mins in but doesn't listen and switches back to her, wittering in a monologue about herself her friends, evey detail.

For one reason or another I now have a second oldie who is exactly the same to help and to support so got two of them. The additional one never ever asks me anything about my life.

Whichever previous poster calls her dm every day, hats off to you! I couldn't do that.

I think it’s a mixture of age and personality - and for those that say neurodivergence can be a factor, I agree, and my personal experience (not an expert) is that the ability and/or inclination to mask appears to deteriorate as people get older.

My parents are like this. Late 70s and my DM in particular is looking for an audience rather than a conversation partner now. My DF has always been this way but I’m confident he has undiagnosed ASD (one of my own DCs is diagnosed so I know a reasonable amount). My DM has always had tendencies to monologue but I genuinely can’t remember the last time she asked me anything about me as a person and my own life, as opposed to my DCs or stuff to do with my house.

I feel like I should just accept it and monologue back when there are things I want them to be aware of but it’s really hard and to be honest, it is affecting our relationship as it feels like she’s just not interested.

It’s not a generational thing. It’s an age thing. Lots of us will be the same when we are that age 😂 I think some people sort of revert to the way people are in their teens. Totally self focussed

My mum is likely ND and is just the opposite - she’s got this rigid idea that ‘having a conversation’ means she has to interrogate the living shit out of people about the most mundane minutiae of their lives - exactly what time they did something or plan to do something, what they ate for lunch, what they’re planning to eat for dinner, what time they plan to go to bed. But she won’t let people actually answer her endless questions, because she interrupts them to finish their sentences for them.

I only twigged when my DC was diagnosed.

Oh Lord. It’s worse in the case of mine (competitive grumbling) because not only does she show no interest in where the kids have been on our family holiday, but she also boasts about places she took me as a child. I then feel guilty because my own parents were much better off in middle age than me and DH are now. We will not be GOING to Florida, kids - sorry about that - but you have to listen to a monologue about it.

Yes. I can spend an entire weekend with DM without her asking how you are or anything about your life. She is completely disinterested in me or her GC. One of my siblings is the same. Autism has been suggested. It's so odd. If I visited a friend who talked only about themself I wouldn't go back.

The only thing I can add to this incredibly relatable thread is that my DM has not a single jot of interest in either of her teenage grandchildren. She neither knows nor cares what I’m up to, which doesn’t bother me, but for some reason it stings a bit that she can’t hold any convo with them.

Absolutely this. It’s not generational. My 90 year old Dad is totally interested in what I’ve been up to but not my mother who’s 84. I came back from a bucket list holiday to a destination she’d been to. Was she interested in what I’d seen and done? Absolutely not. All we heard about was when she visited 10 years ago. Then she saw a photo on the wall of somewhere in Italy ( we were in a restaurant) then I had to listen to her monologue about a holiday she’d had to Italy.

I deal with it better now I accept she’s only interested in herself, not me, so generally zone out and let her monologue. I limit my visits because anything more than 2 hours is very draining but I just think of it as 2 weeks out of my life in a week and I’ve done my duty.

Oh yes, I know this well. I know everything about auntie Janet's hip replacement, Mary from down the road's new sofa, what times the bus has changed to, what time a hospital appointment is in 3 months time, what they had for dinner....

I'm not sure my mum even knows what I do for a living.

I think it’s a mixture of old age and loneliness
my late MIL talked AT ME about her neighbours 2 doors downs granddaughter / cousin I had never met ( neither had she ! )
then I wondered how she knew so much about their careers etc. she never once asked me what I did in my job

I think it’s an old age thing.
My mum used to be fine.
But now she forgets what I do and what’s going on in my life so cant ask how was this or that.

So she talks about herself. Not interesting stuff like Did I ever tell you about the time your gran helped a fireman out if a tree, or some such. It’s more like Did I tell you I got xyzcrossword puzzle book delivered today and it’s not due next week but ive not got yxv crossword puzzle book but it’s overdue and I told the carers about blah blah blah.
None of its interesting. I don’t care that Sandra the carer has given up vaping and Joyce’s kid was four yesterday. Ive never met them. I will probably never meet them. It’s none of my business.

I phone every night. Last night I was too tired to talk so I said if there’s nothing urgent can I go as Im tired and I’ll phone you tomorrow as usual. She launched into the crossword convo. I asked if it was important I know about the crossword book delivery schedule it if it could wait….