To think my parents are actually being quite unkind?

I understand that you struggle to assert yourself and you feel a sense of guilt that your parents dont feel towards you, and your sister doesnt seem to get either.
It sounds like you are quite vigilant to little signs that they arent 100% happy with you, such as not putting kisses at the end of a message.

I think that if you make a point of keeping your resolve and not caving in, it will get easier and easier with practice.
You are the only one that can make the change.

When you get that text asking what you are doing you can

*Ignore it

• Reply with Too busy now; tell you on .....(day you are seeing them)

On that day when you see them dont bring it up. If they ask you can say eg Did some baking with (DCs). Then we had lunch and went to the park. It was fun!"

If they say along the lines of ...that therefore you weren't busy etc etc just say" Those times just me and the kids are important to me. Seeing you once a week is important too." They may well nag etc just say you wont change tour mind so no point discussing. You will have to carry on with gbis for quite a while I suspect

Well done for being more assertive.

Just wanted to remind you that you’re not being unreasonable with what you’re asking for. You feel guilty because that’s what you’ve been taught to feel when you dare to put your needs before others but the feelings won’t last or kill you. As others have said, acknowledge the guilt, accept the feeling, then let it go. Cheering you on from the sidelines as a recovering people pleaser!

Immensely true, good insight & guidance

They may not be pressuring your sister, your sister maybe just be better at enforcing her boundaries.

You're a lovely Mum, Daughter & compassionate person
You have a good, kind caring conscience so I'm sure everyone close to you knows, wholeheartedly, you would never do anything to upset others intentionally

I think your parents are helping you here. Think of your feelings of guilt as web or network of bonds holding you back. Now think of those missing kisses; got a text that should have had 3 kisses ... that's 3 strands of the web that have just pinged free.
Repeat as necessary until you feel better about yourself and see your parents behaviour for the manipulation it is.

I wonder if poster means, OP, that we only feel guilty with our permission. As previous poster mentions, it is good to learn to sit with a guilt feeling. Also good to learn prioritise what you want to feel guilty about if you’re going to feel it at all. Focus on your direct, own, new family that you have created, you are not responsible for your parents behaviour, however, you are for how you respond to it. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated.

Become comfortable with your emotions and feelings and accept you feel guilty, sad, disappointed - whatever it is. You also know this is how your parents behave, you need to change your expectations and accept them for who they are. You feel hurt because you expect them to behave differently. If you accept that you can't change them and you know they'll try the passive aggressive treatment, you can change how you react.

You are doing it to yourself because of the guilt feelings. Whatever is going on you need to look at this because it sounds miserable.

Its Ok to feel guilty. It won’t kill you. Its preferable to rage snd resentment.

Try to sit with the feeling, literally and metaphorically. Just tune into it “oh, there’s that guilt feeling again.” Try to put it on a little leaf floating by in a river and let it go. Sometimes I put myself on a train and imagine guilt as a stop that I don’t choose to get off at. I sit in my seat, mentally, and go “oh no, this express train doesn’t stop at Guilt. Guess I will keep going to my destination. Bye bye!”

Well done Yuna no not easy. Had it myself. Unfortunately with work days are limited. So if mine kicks off I say grand see you next week! So its up her then I call or she has nobody

This is a communication issue, surely.

They want to see you, and they're in a pattern of expectation: they ask, you will come. But you're not in that pattern at all (quite rightly).

If they are reasonable, can you have a conversation where you say you feel pressured, and you would like to see them, but they have to take a different approach with you and factor in that you are hellishly busy and tired. So if they want to see their granddaughter, they can take her out, or come round for a couple of hours, when it works for both of you - but they have got to stop expecting that you make all the physical effort because you are just not able to right now. Tell them that it is beginning to be a problem and you don't want to be avoiding them but that's what'll happen if they don't grow the fuck up

Your sister is a bit of a red herring. No parent treats any two siblings the same. Whatever the reason they don't do it with her: they probably can't even articulate it.

I've been there, it is so hard but it's your families life too and you should have autonomy over that. Don't feel guilty. You are doing nothing wrong

Ignore the pettiness. You are seeing them and ignore any messages asking your plans again when you have already told them. You don't have to explain. Good luck with it all.

@Yunallp how has it been going? Any plans that have not involved your parents?

Sometimes it stops for a couple of weeks then it just starts up again. I really struggle with boundaries as I feel guilt over the smallest thing so this is really hard for me to manageTo which you can reply "Remember our conversation a couple of weeks ago. For the last 2 weeks you have done exactly I asked, thankyou. I'm not going to keep repeating myself so can we just move on please. My view hasn't changed!"

Don't make excuses! Because you will run out of them! Just tell them the truth if visiting on a Thursday tell them "ill see you next Thursday" and if they say "oh we wanted to see yous at the weekend" just say "can't as weekends are for me dd and her daddy to have time together, but we'll be over on Thursday.

You know the answer! If you feel it's too much tell them that! and keep it to what suits you...they are not being "unkind" they are just being grandparents who get great enjoyment from their grandchildren. But it's up to you when it suits to visit, you keep saying "I feel guilty", well that's down to you to work on, if you keep giving in it will continue, if you insist you are busy wtf are they going to do? What are you frightened of? The only answer is the one you know already, say "can't make it weekends as we are so busy", keep going on the day and time that suits you, the longer this suiting them goes on the harder it will be to change so start now!

The guilt you feel when you say 'no' to them when they make demands of you is self inflicted. Harsh I know, but true.They clearly do try to guilt-trip you because they know it works!
You know in your heart that you need to learn to say no and stick to it. You have the RIGHT to say no! It sounds as though your sister has been doing that and they are respecting her boundaries. No need to fall out with your parents-just be firm but polite.
You are an adult, with your own family, and your family is now your priority, not your parents.

I agree with other suggestions about firming up boundaries. Yes, you may need to be a stuck record…

Also, maybe there is something to be said for your sister’s approach a bit. Especially if parents start the guilt tripping. Don’t engage with it. Don’t compensate for your sister. You should feel like you have autonomy over your life, OP.

OP I think this is an awful lot of time spent with grandparents. We see my in-laws - who I absolutely adore - about once a month. My own parents (they live abroad) twice a year.

To help you say no to your parents/ start setting out the boundaries you want (and to make memories with your own nuclear family), you could try reading Mel Robbins 'Let Them' theory.