Ex’s unreasonable demands to my house?

@rudddy he should not be allowed into your house full stop!! he can meet the child at the park!! no one needs a key and he certainly does not get access to your ring doorbell! he is in cloud cuckoo land! dont let him in, in case he hides a camera!

Absolutely not. No no no no, hell no!

Would he be willing to give you a key to his house and access to his ring doorbell/security cameras? I don’t bloody think so.

This is just another way for him to have some control over you and your life and privacy and is absolutely not normal.

Absolutely no way and I would cut yourself off from the majority of these people if you possibly can, and try to keep family visits away from your home so that you can set some clear boundaries.

No, and you should be really firm about this. It's your home, your safe space. Don't let anyone in who do don't want there. And under no circumstances let him have a key, or any opportunity to get one copied. And absolutely no access to the doorbell. It's your place.

Its probably all lies about his friends and their arrangements. But even if it's true, it doesn't matter.

He's your ex. One of the perks, is that you don't have him or his associates in your home anymore.

Its quite common to find that this aapect is equally as satisfying as not having to live with your ex anymore.

Enjoy your freedom and your own private home. Don't let any of them in. Never get out a key. It doesnt matter if he doesn't like it or what he thinks.

Yanbu.

Spot on!!

You know when he said he asked everyone he knows and they all have keys etc?

He lied.

Just say no. You don't have to let him in your house at all, nor his family or friends. Keep any communication between you to what is necessary to co-parent and that's it. Quite honestly, it's quite worrying that you even need to ask - you need to be much firmer in setting boundaries and enforcing them. If he continues to harrass you, report him to the police.

@rudddy i didn’t even finish ready your post op .
I am in genuine shock that you have to post here instead of saying no .
“we are not together sort your own life and family out . My life is my own not to be ran or controlled by you “ over step the mark and I will contact a solicitor and the police “ EX do you understand ?

First post nailed it.

this is YOUR HOUSE! You’re not with him and have absolutely no responsibility towards him apart from reasonable facilitation of contact with your joint dc. If that can’t take place at his home, it’s on HIM to arrange a suitable venue (or it goes through a contact centre). His family have absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever.

i can’t state it any more clearly. Just because this man says something does not make it true and you do not have to comply automatically.

God, he’s outrageous!

Bloody hell - my ex didn't have a key to my house and wasn't welcome in it even when he was still a part owner!

Just watch out with family - I took my kids to visit my ex's mum once, and it turned out everything we spoke about was reported back to him. So I didn't do that again.

No, no, no to all of it. Absolutely not.

Id also be warey of my children staying overnight with him in such an awful area.

If you are not a proper woman, you must be an improper woman. Sounds a lot more fun!

You share a DC with this man and now you are no longer in a relationship that's where it stops.

Neither of you need a key to each others houses.

His family, unless you say so, aren't to entre your house.

As for his DB, why does he think he gets a say, he's as much right as I have.

Just keep getting on with your ex's mum and DSis...but be mindful that she doesn't start hinting that her family should be allowed due to xyz.

OP, just to highlight how this is not normal from him, but actually surprisingly common for men like him. Here are some things I've read on MN or seen in real life that I can easily remember:

The man who is sending lawyers letters to his ex, 10 years later, because he wants her to pay him back for her engagement ring, the cost of "storing" their shared DC's toys at his house and her "share" of the petrol they used on a trip while they were still together.

The man who insists his ex let him stay in her house because they have a poorly DC and he refuses to kit out his house to cope. Whie there, he does not help, insists that HE must sleep in her bed while she sleeps on a cot in her child's room, and uses the time to masturbate. he also claims this is HER fault as she will not "sort him out" (or words to that effect).

The man who is still angry that his ex's family do not include him in family events: her SIL's birthday and he doesn't get an invite? She receives torrents of abuse. x100 if SHE hosts any of these events at HER house.

The man who refuses to arrange contact time for his toddler, but expects his ex to be available whenever he calls and wants to come over. If I recall correctly, he has threated to take the child and/or call social services because it is his RIGHT to simply turn up at any time and take the child.

All of these men tell these women that their family/friends/colleagues agree with them and/or attempt to use their family/friends/colleagues to force these women to do what they want.

Echoing everyone else. Stand very firm on this, NEVER let him inside your home again, or anyone else that you haven’t personally invited. If you start to allow him any access he’ll just push and push so you need to have a firm clear boundary and stick to it. Handovers outside, communication through a parenting app.

Can see why he's an ex, so he still wants control even though you've split.

Stand your ground if his flat is too small suggest he buys a bigger place it's not your problem. His mates dislike you yet want to be entertained in your home no chance tell them to jog on.

OP, you have had good advice and a lot of extraneous fluff so please consider these points.

No key to your home - no need for reasons.
No access to your Ring doorbell - no need for reasons.
Contact Women’s Aid and discuss your situation with them.
Communications with him only through a Co-parenting App - noo need for reasons.
If you haven’t already (it doesn’t sounds as if you have) get a Court ordered Child Arrangements Order. Foe your and your DC's protection.

Be very wary of his family even though you think you have a good relationship with them. He will always come above you in their priorities. I’ve seen too many ‘trusted’ family members facilitate meetings with an Ex because they trust them or have been coerced by them when the Court order says no unsupervised contact, even by his family.

I wish you and your DC all the best.

This.

There's no way on earth he'd be getting a key to my house, the ring doorbell access or visiting with his family and friends. If he wants them to see dc he does it in his time and in his space.

But I would do the father's day card, for DC's benefit. Make sure you use a fuck-tonne of glitter.

OP, this is ifficult but what you have to understand is that just becuase you have split up, does not mean he is no longer abusing you. He is abusing you now. He is using manipulation, and guilt, and your own desire to have a positive/healthy/recipricol co-parenting relationship for the sake of your DC against you. I am 100% certain that alongside the abuse you already recognise from when you were together, there were likely many other similar situations to this where he convinced you to do something you did not want to do or did not feel comfortable by telling you that it was normal, or that if you disagreed you were being cruel/unloving/insert whatever term he likes.

The very sad thing about this is that I am so certain about this becuase this situation is almost identical to my SIL. It really is a playbook.

Please please please listen to me and all the other posters on here who will tell you that his demands are unreasonable. YOu do not have to facilitate any of this.

But, I must warn you so you are prepared, the more you hold your boundaries, the more he will punish you by using your child. You absolutely must refuse to allo whim and his friends/family to visit your child in your home, but be prepared, he will then stop seeing your child and will claim it is YOUR fault.

Any rational, normal person knows that is not true.

But he is not a rational normal person. And any friends he still has are either equally irrational or, mor elikely, he is lying to them too.

Yes to setting boundaries. He is trying to continue the abuse that he inflicted on you in your relationship. He does not get to make demands on you. Under no circumstances should he have a key to your house or access to the ring doorbell. It doesn't matter what other people do (although I doubt if many allow this, I certainly don't). His friends and family have no right to enter your home either, just as he is perfectly within his rights to stop you from entering his. Do you have friends or family who can support you in setting these boundaries?

You have done so well to get away from him and in setting these boundaries. You need to risk upsetting people if they won’t stay away from your home - his family and friends should see the children in his time unless specifically invited and they aren’t your responsibility.

He doesn't get to try to control you, your environment, what you do, who has access to your home, or what happens for Father's Day. He will find fault with all sorts of things that you do / do not do / are / are not. His lists of complaints and demands are his alone. He has no power over you.

You are completely in control. You are not doing anything wrong.

Exerting your own power is tough and terrifying at first, but it is a muscle that you need to exercise. It WILL get easier.

Source: left controlling marriage a few years ago and now navigating life as someone with her own agency and voice that is heard.

You do not have to do anything for this man other than make your children available for contact as long as it is safe to do so. I had one like this and recommend not speaking to him about anything but contact arrangements.

All this stuff that his siblings and friends have supposedly said is most likely made up to manipulate you. Ignore it all, what others have to say is irrelevant.

Just laugh in his face and tell him you really don't give a damn what he thinks of you!